All soup's eve
I'm not sure what to say lately. I'm so tired of grading, but I need to really keep up with it if I'm going to take a couple days off when BnJ is here, and go on this retreat in December. I'm trying to skip out two days before our grades are due, so I really need to be done grading by the time I'm off to Spirit Rock.
I'm going to a queer vipassana retreat. Yes, it is silent. But it is still nice to be with queer folks. And after this semester, the idea of being silent for 6 days sounds so wonderful, I can't even begin to imagine it.
Feeling pretty lonely lately, locked in my world of work. And trying not to let myself get freaked out by the holidays. I do not have the dead altar up. Seriously. They are not happy. I will cook for them tomorrow. I had hoped to have people over, especially since this year has seen the death of two fat activists. It felt like I wanted to have that community over to remember them. But I just can't do it. I'll make a small pot of soup, and maybe a symbolic batch of fry bread. It makes me sad when I can't celebrate them the way I'd like. But there is just no time for me or the dead.
Yes, I realize that the point of this whole thing is to remember that life is short. And honestly, I cannot even go there right now. It just makes me cry. This is not how I want to go out. And there are times I wonder if I'm ever going to find a way to live with this schedule that doesn't hurt me so much. Obviously, not working an overload ever again might help. Of course there are times I wonder about what the rest of the short life is going to look like. And thinking these days that it might be way shorter than my chances for anything other than cold sheets and a warm heart. Most of the time I'm ok with that. And sometimes I'm not.
Yes, life is short. And it is exceedingly precious, even when it sucks. And there's scuba diving! And my friends! And things that go fast! But today it is a struggle, and the memory of when it was a struggle but there was also a place for my heart to rest is a lot to hold. So now there is only the rest I can make on my own. And at times I am just too tired to do that. Oh yes. And the memory of what it feels like to be a rock and have a rock sometimes just feels like a rock.
It's not that I can't do it. It's just remembering the times that someone actually wanted to be there for this part feels very far away. So here is my suggestion to all the people who have a partner who want to tell me how to get through it. Stop sitting in front of the computer. Spend at least one whole minute looking at the person you love and letting your heart be full of them. Then go over and kiss them deeply and passionately and tell them that you love them. That will make me happy. And let me know that you actually did it.
Because me and my dead have a message for you. Time is precious. Be here now. Don't let love go unacknowledged for even one more second. Because you just don't know when it can slide from your fingers. And it is the thing the dead miss most. Besides homemade tortillas and chocolate.
I can feel them nodding behind me. Maybe it's time to give them something to eat. But this seems to have made them happy, as if it is that thing they keep trying to whisper across the veil. Love is everything.
So to all my friends out there, lovers or pals, I love you. My life would be less for your absence. I hope you are with me for a very long time.
Yo' Aniy'ma, y'all.
I'm going to a queer vipassana retreat. Yes, it is silent. But it is still nice to be with queer folks. And after this semester, the idea of being silent for 6 days sounds so wonderful, I can't even begin to imagine it.
Feeling pretty lonely lately, locked in my world of work. And trying not to let myself get freaked out by the holidays. I do not have the dead altar up. Seriously. They are not happy. I will cook for them tomorrow. I had hoped to have people over, especially since this year has seen the death of two fat activists. It felt like I wanted to have that community over to remember them. But I just can't do it. I'll make a small pot of soup, and maybe a symbolic batch of fry bread. It makes me sad when I can't celebrate them the way I'd like. But there is just no time for me or the dead.
Yes, I realize that the point of this whole thing is to remember that life is short. And honestly, I cannot even go there right now. It just makes me cry. This is not how I want to go out. And there are times I wonder if I'm ever going to find a way to live with this schedule that doesn't hurt me so much. Obviously, not working an overload ever again might help. Of course there are times I wonder about what the rest of the short life is going to look like. And thinking these days that it might be way shorter than my chances for anything other than cold sheets and a warm heart. Most of the time I'm ok with that. And sometimes I'm not.
Yes, life is short. And it is exceedingly precious, even when it sucks. And there's scuba diving! And my friends! And things that go fast! But today it is a struggle, and the memory of when it was a struggle but there was also a place for my heart to rest is a lot to hold. So now there is only the rest I can make on my own. And at times I am just too tired to do that. Oh yes. And the memory of what it feels like to be a rock and have a rock sometimes just feels like a rock.
It's not that I can't do it. It's just remembering the times that someone actually wanted to be there for this part feels very far away. So here is my suggestion to all the people who have a partner who want to tell me how to get through it. Stop sitting in front of the computer. Spend at least one whole minute looking at the person you love and letting your heart be full of them. Then go over and kiss them deeply and passionately and tell them that you love them. That will make me happy. And let me know that you actually did it.
Because me and my dead have a message for you. Time is precious. Be here now. Don't let love go unacknowledged for even one more second. Because you just don't know when it can slide from your fingers. And it is the thing the dead miss most. Besides homemade tortillas and chocolate.
I can feel them nodding behind me. Maybe it's time to give them something to eat. But this seems to have made them happy, as if it is that thing they keep trying to whisper across the veil. Love is everything.
So to all my friends out there, lovers or pals, I love you. My life would be less for your absence. I hope you are with me for a very long time.
Yo' Aniy'ma, y'all.