I’d give anything to find the puzzle piece that’s missing from my heart… [at_bothends]
Now I know when the door to my apartment shut that it was quiet, but I heard it echo in my ears like a bomb. It was like a door closing on a tomb that sealed off my heart and everything good I could feel.
I remember falling to the floor and sobbing against the door. The way I felt could never be put into words; I wasn’t even sure they had words for what I felt.
Betrayal and violation seem to harsh and yet those are the only ones that come to mind. I’ve never felt like this before, ever in my life.
I’ve never been in love either.
The next few days I spent in a daze as I did the normal ‘everyday things’ that I used to do before Lindsey and I got together. I needed space and I had to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t notice the ache in my heart to have him near.
School and the few midterm projects I had kept me pretty busy, as did studying and working on doing as much research I could about my family history and the demonology of my family.
All of that ate up so much of my time I didn’t really eat anything but a choice of turkey or cheese sandwiches. I didn’t think I had the ability to do much of anything let alone cook; sandwiches seemed like the best choice.
It was Wednesday when I was stepping out of the shower that I noticed his button down shirt crumpled in the corner that I broke down again. Everything inside my heart started to have that hollow ache again and I wrapped myself up in a robe and I searched for a journal of mine.
The need to write was filling me again and I started to write everything, every feeling and emotion that I just had to write, hoping to get some sort of perspective on everything.
I want to know how things fell apart. I want to know how I was so happy a few days ago and now…
Now I pray for something - anything - to keep me from crying. I’ve been keeping myself decently busy the past few days with school and research but they aren’t enough anymore.
I’d give almost anything to make this pain go away.
Moving away from home was supposed to give me freedom, give me another chance to have a life, to live a life that I was meant to live. Not be under my father’s thumb and at his beck and call.
Mamma always told me to respect my father, even when she was gone but…there is only so much the human heart can take and I couldn’t take any more. I had to run, I had to escape and I had to feed this need inside me that screamed: live.
I went shopping for a few groceries; I never expected that day to find…I never expected to find someone like Lindsey. He spun me around and put everything in my life on its ear.
He made me want to be more open not only to him but to life. I wanted so much with him, I really did. Now everything is…
When I think about him my heart hurts.
I know I promised to see him again but after that night I don’t know. I want to see him, I really do, but when I think about what could and most likely did happen that night all I can do is cry.
Maybe it’s not his fault; I’m not sure who is to fault. Maybe it’s better to blame him because it’s something/someone I can blame it on. Neither of us knows what happened and it’s eating me up, I want to forget it and move on. I want to have a life and I want that life to include Lindsey.
Another worry I have right now is that I don’t know what to do about my birthday. It’s in less then a month and I’m no closer to any answers then I was before.
They always told me that on my twentieth birthday that my true demon form would come of age. I haven’t been able to find anything on what was going to happen and…
As much as I wanted to ignore it and hope it wasn’t true I couldn’t; not now anyway. Now I had a life to live and a few friends to worry about. There’s also that one person I never expected to come into my life and saved me. I never thought anyone would let alone someone like Lindsey.
The one thing I didn’t plan was to fall in love. I never expected to fall in love. It makes me scared and excited…till I have answers I’m just going to be scared. I don’t know how he feels about me. When I look into his eyes I can almost swear I see what I feel in his eyes but… I’m afraid to say anything, I can’t; it’s not fair.
I mean if I am a demon I have two choices. I can tell him and risk the chance of seeing that god awful hurt look in his eyes that would shatter my heart or do I run and leave him behind? Do I save my own heart the sight of breaking his?
I wish more then anything things in my life could be a little less confusing and a bit happier. I want a happier life with friends and that special someone that makes me grin when I think I’ve forgotten to smile.
Lindsey I thought was it, now I’m not so sure of anything anymore.
Lindsey I thought was it, now I’m not so sure of anything anymore. Now all I want to do is run and hide, I want to run away from everything that I've worked so hard for because I don't do hard things so well....
Biting my lip I finally closed the book, the energy to write was leaving me and right now all I wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to sleep away this pain I feel and never want to feel this way again.
Taking a deep breath I stood and shed my robe, walking over and picking up the discarded shirt and slipping it on. His scent surrounded me and I felt safe for the moment and I was going to take it for all I can get from it.
I pulled my hair up into a lose bun and slipped into bed, my eyes landed on the phone and with a shaking hand I picked it up and dialed Lindsey’s cell number. It rang a few times with no answer.
When his message picked up I smiled and held the phone tighter to my ear at the sound of his voice. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.
The beep startled me and for a moment I forgot why I called, I’m not even sure if I ever knew why I wanted to call.
After a moment I sighed and closed my eyes. “Hey…I’m…I’m not really sure why I called, guess I w-wanted to see how you were…h-hear your voice…” I smiled softly and tried to keep the sound of my silent crying from my voice. “I’m ok…I w-wanted to know if you were and…and I guess in spite of everything I wanted…I wanted you to know that I mis…that I’m thinking about you and…I…” I sighed heavily and squeezed my eyes tightly. “Guess that’s it…I…Goodnight Lindsey…”
I remember falling to the floor and sobbing against the door. The way I felt could never be put into words; I wasn’t even sure they had words for what I felt.
Betrayal and violation seem to harsh and yet those are the only ones that come to mind. I’ve never felt like this before, ever in my life.
I’ve never been in love either.
The next few days I spent in a daze as I did the normal ‘everyday things’ that I used to do before Lindsey and I got together. I needed space and I had to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t notice the ache in my heart to have him near.
School and the few midterm projects I had kept me pretty busy, as did studying and working on doing as much research I could about my family history and the demonology of my family.
All of that ate up so much of my time I didn’t really eat anything but a choice of turkey or cheese sandwiches. I didn’t think I had the ability to do much of anything let alone cook; sandwiches seemed like the best choice.
It was Wednesday when I was stepping out of the shower that I noticed his button down shirt crumpled in the corner that I broke down again. Everything inside my heart started to have that hollow ache again and I wrapped myself up in a robe and I searched for a journal of mine.
The need to write was filling me again and I started to write everything, every feeling and emotion that I just had to write, hoping to get some sort of perspective on everything.
I want to know how things fell apart. I want to know how I was so happy a few days ago and now…
Now I pray for something - anything - to keep me from crying. I’ve been keeping myself decently busy the past few days with school and research but they aren’t enough anymore.
I’d give almost anything to make this pain go away.
Moving away from home was supposed to give me freedom, give me another chance to have a life, to live a life that I was meant to live. Not be under my father’s thumb and at his beck and call.
Mamma always told me to respect my father, even when she was gone but…there is only so much the human heart can take and I couldn’t take any more. I had to run, I had to escape and I had to feed this need inside me that screamed: live.
I went shopping for a few groceries; I never expected that day to find…I never expected to find someone like Lindsey. He spun me around and put everything in my life on its ear.
He made me want to be more open not only to him but to life. I wanted so much with him, I really did. Now everything is…
When I think about him my heart hurts.
I know I promised to see him again but after that night I don’t know. I want to see him, I really do, but when I think about what could and most likely did happen that night all I can do is cry.
Maybe it’s not his fault; I’m not sure who is to fault. Maybe it’s better to blame him because it’s something/someone I can blame it on. Neither of us knows what happened and it’s eating me up, I want to forget it and move on. I want to have a life and I want that life to include Lindsey.
Another worry I have right now is that I don’t know what to do about my birthday. It’s in less then a month and I’m no closer to any answers then I was before.
They always told me that on my twentieth birthday that my true demon form would come of age. I haven’t been able to find anything on what was going to happen and…
As much as I wanted to ignore it and hope it wasn’t true I couldn’t; not now anyway. Now I had a life to live and a few friends to worry about. There’s also that one person I never expected to come into my life and saved me. I never thought anyone would let alone someone like Lindsey.
The one thing I didn’t plan was to fall in love. I never expected to fall in love. It makes me scared and excited…till I have answers I’m just going to be scared. I don’t know how he feels about me. When I look into his eyes I can almost swear I see what I feel in his eyes but… I’m afraid to say anything, I can’t; it’s not fair.
I mean if I am a demon I have two choices. I can tell him and risk the chance of seeing that god awful hurt look in his eyes that would shatter my heart or do I run and leave him behind? Do I save my own heart the sight of breaking his?
I wish more then anything things in my life could be a little less confusing and a bit happier. I want a happier life with friends and that special someone that makes me grin when I think I’ve forgotten to smile.
Lindsey I thought was it, now I’m not so sure of anything anymore.
Lindsey I thought was it, now I’m not so sure of anything anymore. Now all I want to do is run and hide, I want to run away from everything that I've worked so hard for because I don't do hard things so well....
Biting my lip I finally closed the book, the energy to write was leaving me and right now all I wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to sleep away this pain I feel and never want to feel this way again.
Taking a deep breath I stood and shed my robe, walking over and picking up the discarded shirt and slipping it on. His scent surrounded me and I felt safe for the moment and I was going to take it for all I can get from it.
I pulled my hair up into a lose bun and slipped into bed, my eyes landed on the phone and with a shaking hand I picked it up and dialed Lindsey’s cell number. It rang a few times with no answer.
When his message picked up I smiled and held the phone tighter to my ear at the sound of his voice. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.
The beep startled me and for a moment I forgot why I called, I’m not even sure if I ever knew why I wanted to call.
After a moment I sighed and closed my eyes. “Hey…I’m…I’m not really sure why I called, guess I w-wanted to see how you were…h-hear your voice…” I smiled softly and tried to keep the sound of my silent crying from my voice. “I’m ok…I w-wanted to know if you were and…and I guess in spite of everything I wanted…I wanted you to know that I mis…that I’m thinking about you and…I…” I sighed heavily and squeezed my eyes tightly. “Guess that’s it…I…Goodnight Lindsey…”