(no subject)
And tonight I walk through an empty street
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life
I think I’m going to post here more.
It’s the only way I can get what I really feel out.
Wow. It’s December already. No matter how hard I don’t want to believe it, this year has come and gone so fast. I really don’t know what its about this year that has been the hardest for me. Maybe it’s the fact that everything’s changing and everyone that I really cared about is leaving. No, I don’t mean leaving as in, “oh goodbye, I’ll see you next week” kind of thing. This year, my uncle had passed away. The day I had my surgery, my grandmother was on the phone, calling my dad 11 am in the morning, right after my surgery that my uncle had passed away. He had cancer.
I know I shouldn’t be complaining, because I really didn’t know him as well as I wanted to. But hey, I didn’t take my chance when it was there. I could’ve easily found a phone number and reached him to have a good talk. I hate myself more each coming day and it’s hard to deal with everything inside. My best friend also moved to Dallas, Texas this February. I know its probably not a big of a deal but truthfully, I was really happy when she was here. I knew her since the age of 1 and I guess I kind of took everything for granted. Suicides, I hear about them everywhere and it’s honestly happening everywhere. I guess maybe it’s the big step up that is making me feel so alone, so isolated. Middle school, I know everyone’s saying how much it was “gay” and such. But honestly, why would you want to forget those childhood memories? Everything was easier in the 8th grade. I had one of the best friends I will ever meet. Alex Willet. He meant the world to me. Yeah, so what he’s still an 8th grader. I could care less. I spent a lot of time with that kid and it’s crazy how much that kid made me laugh. It was a random thing we met. At first, he was just the crazy adorable blond boy that we saw walking across the street but I’m really proud of myself that I actually had the courage to talk to him first that made me trust him as much as I do. It’s crazy. That kid is adorable.
2006. I can’t exactly say this year has given me more ups than downs. The people I really trusted are falling apart from me and I can’t really seem to talk to them that much. I feel sort of ditched by the world and God. I know it’s probably my selfish thoughts thinking that God should give me more than I really deserve. I’m not going to complain but really, the people that I talked to about my depression and how I handled it. I don’t talk to them as much. I think maybe I was never good enough to ever say anything. I told those certain selected people everything that I felt. Well, maybe not everything but most of it, yes.
I don’t know. Honestly, there are really only 4 people that I want to get closer to and I could tell them anything. Those people are Jennifer Kim, Alex Willet, Sang Lee, and Michael Pittman. These are honestly the only people I really felt comfortable with and that I could tell anything. It’s hard and it really puts me down how I really rarely ever talk to you guys. I miss that, and I think that's what I really need. Friends that I trust. I know this sounds so cliche and such but there are only true friends. And I don't know. I miss it.
It’s really hard to deal with all of this. I miss the past. I need to be more optimistic and look toward the future and how I could really make it better.
Music, its not that great of a tool to put you’re problems through. They are just singers out there singing what everyone wants to hear.
I miss talking to you guys.
And I honestly need help.
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life
I think I’m going to post here more.
It’s the only way I can get what I really feel out.
Wow. It’s December already. No matter how hard I don’t want to believe it, this year has come and gone so fast. I really don’t know what its about this year that has been the hardest for me. Maybe it’s the fact that everything’s changing and everyone that I really cared about is leaving. No, I don’t mean leaving as in, “oh goodbye, I’ll see you next week” kind of thing. This year, my uncle had passed away. The day I had my surgery, my grandmother was on the phone, calling my dad 11 am in the morning, right after my surgery that my uncle had passed away. He had cancer.
I know I shouldn’t be complaining, because I really didn’t know him as well as I wanted to. But hey, I didn’t take my chance when it was there. I could’ve easily found a phone number and reached him to have a good talk. I hate myself more each coming day and it’s hard to deal with everything inside. My best friend also moved to Dallas, Texas this February. I know its probably not a big of a deal but truthfully, I was really happy when she was here. I knew her since the age of 1 and I guess I kind of took everything for granted. Suicides, I hear about them everywhere and it’s honestly happening everywhere. I guess maybe it’s the big step up that is making me feel so alone, so isolated. Middle school, I know everyone’s saying how much it was “gay” and such. But honestly, why would you want to forget those childhood memories? Everything was easier in the 8th grade. I had one of the best friends I will ever meet. Alex Willet. He meant the world to me. Yeah, so what he’s still an 8th grader. I could care less. I spent a lot of time with that kid and it’s crazy how much that kid made me laugh. It was a random thing we met. At first, he was just the crazy adorable blond boy that we saw walking across the street but I’m really proud of myself that I actually had the courage to talk to him first that made me trust him as much as I do. It’s crazy. That kid is adorable.
2006. I can’t exactly say this year has given me more ups than downs. The people I really trusted are falling apart from me and I can’t really seem to talk to them that much. I feel sort of ditched by the world and God. I know it’s probably my selfish thoughts thinking that God should give me more than I really deserve. I’m not going to complain but really, the people that I talked to about my depression and how I handled it. I don’t talk to them as much. I think maybe I was never good enough to ever say anything. I told those certain selected people everything that I felt. Well, maybe not everything but most of it, yes.
I don’t know. Honestly, there are really only 4 people that I want to get closer to and I could tell them anything. Those people are Jennifer Kim, Alex Willet, Sang Lee, and Michael Pittman. These are honestly the only people I really felt comfortable with and that I could tell anything. It’s hard and it really puts me down how I really rarely ever talk to you guys. I miss that, and I think that's what I really need. Friends that I trust. I know this sounds so cliche and such but there are only true friends. And I don't know. I miss it.
It’s really hard to deal with all of this. I miss the past. I need to be more optimistic and look toward the future and how I could really make it better.
Music, its not that great of a tool to put you’re problems through. They are just singers out there singing what everyone wants to hear.
I miss talking to you guys.
And I honestly need help.