Needing Help
Today has been a long day. Another argument with Nathan has left me completely heart-broken as he told me he wants to end this relationship :(. I don't want it to end because I am so in love with the guy but I guess I really have no say in this matter. He is right, the arguments we get into are so stupid. I called him at the wrong time tonight as he was really mad at me and well he has every right to be. And to think that this whole argument started because of one poem he wrote that I didn't like and criticized him for :(. There is a side to me that I don't show people, a side of me that came out today. Whether people know this or not, I have get depressed alot. I have alot of tension locked up inside me from my past. As a result of not letting it out, I lash out and hurt those I love the most. When I go through anxiety attacks, it really scares me like today. I had an attack when Jonathan was out and well the monster inside me came out. I know I hurt Nathan so badly. I cut myself again and I just right now feel so empty. Lately I've been acting alot like my father, thinking I know everything when I don't and letting my pride and stubbornness get in my way. The anger over things in the past is slowly taking over me to the point I am destroying myself and those I love. I hate being like this, I really do. It's hard to describe what I go through; it's just like a voice inside me tells me I'm worthless and brings up past memories. What's sad is things my father said about me are proving to be right. I don't want to hurt people; I don't want to be like this. The thing is I feel alone right now because when I called Nathan tonight he was in no mood to talk and Michael wasn't in either :(. So I had no one to talk to about this. It is eating me up more and more every day and I feel trapped. I want to return to the happy, loving Jenna I once was. I don't even understand how Nathan can love someone like me. I hurt him so much and I don't think he will ever forgive me. He does deserve better in a girl. I so don't want this relationship to end but if he goes, I will understand. I did tell Michael about how I was feeling when I emailed him tonight. He's going through a situation with his girlfriend right now. They are taking a week break. They've been arguing in their relationship too and well I think they're about to break up. It's creepy how Michael is going through the same thing I'm going through right now. For one day I cannot talk to Nathan. Jonathan came up with that. He said that it will save the relationship if Nathan and I go one day without talking to each other. I hope he's right that the relationship can be saved. I just feel like giving up in life, like there's nothing left for me to live for. I'm sinking so low into this depression right now and I can't win this one. I always thought I was strong and a fighter, but the truth is I am a weak person, very weak. Michael was telling me about how controlling Christa can be and how like she gets jealous and stuff when he mentions another girl's name. As I was reading this email I thought about how I am like that. I get jealous and insecure when Nathan talks about other girls. I know my insecurity is driving him away and well he's leaving CP because of me. I don't want him to leave CP; he's got a gift in writing and he has touched the lives of many on that site although I'm sure he doesn't realize that. I can't sleep; I keep thinking about all the good times Nathan and I had together and then I tear up and the tears just spill over. What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? This monster is destroying me and I am growing so weak that I can no longer fight it. The thing is it has been with me for awhile. It's been with me through most of my teen years when things really started getting bad in my family. In my mind I see me, as a young girl, locked up in my room, curled up in a corner crying my heart out as I hear my mother and father fighting with each other or after my father yelled at me. I also saw tonight a brief glimpse of what my future could be like. In my mind I saw me sitting at the kitchen table, drinking beer and cutting myself with a bottle of pills on the table as I found out that my husband had left me. That scared me alot. I don't want to be like that. My father once said that if I got married my husband would leave me or I would marry an abusive guy. I have had this cutting problem for a long time too although most people don't know about it. It's a hard habit to break. I am weak because if I was strong like everyone thought then I would not go back to cutting. I have let so many people down in life and I have hurt so many people in life. I don't want to lose Nathan. He did alot for me. He gave me the will to go on in life. He always encouraged me telling me I was strong. No, Nathan, your girlfriend is not strong; she's a very weak person. I know that sorry won't heal any wounds, but I am extremely sorry for hurting Nathan and putting him through so much. I am a bad person. How can anyone love a person like me? At least Michael is still there for me. I'm trying to give him advice about what to do in his relationship. He's starting to go back to church and he really wants to stop living the wild life. He told me he's proud of me in his email tonight but he wouldn't be proud of me if he saw me now, miserable, hurting, and falling apart. I am proud of Michael. I love Michael alot and he has seen me through alot. I'm grateful for the brother/sister bond we have. I wish I could get a hug right now I really could use one and I could use a shoulder to cry on and someone who would listen to me right now about alot of stuff I need to get off my mind. I'm lost in this life and I do feel alone. All I see is darkness right now. I need help so badly. I should turn myself into an asylum due to these attacks. I need help so badly before I destroy more people and before I destroy myself. If Nathan reads this, well I just want to say I am sorry and I never meant to hurt you. Whether you believe it right now or not, Nathan I do really love you and I do not want us to end. I'm sorry for letting you down and I'm sorry for being a failure as a girlfriend and I'm sorry for being such a weak person. I don't want to keep living in this anger; I just want to let it all out and let go of my past. But that voice is always there telling me I'm a failure; that I am proving my father right about alot of things. What's really sad is now I'm beginning to want to just give up in life, wondering what's out there that is worth living for. I'm too afraid to tell anyone about how I feel because they won't understand or they'll walk away. The only thing I am asking is for people to pray for me. Michael said he's praying for me. I hurt too much and am crying too much right now to keep writing. But if anyone is out there who could talk to me, I'd appreciate it. I need help right now and I don't exactly know where to turn. It's hard for me to even write about this side of me because I figure all my friends and family will see me differently. Please pray for me.