its the little things that matter
ok so i just got finished crying my eyes out.
i had a long talk with Andrea about Maine. I'm thinking about moving back. I just miss it sooo much, i cant stand it. everything i do makes me think of all the awesome times in maine. BaseBall games with all my friends. always hanging out after school. going out at 2:00 in the morning to mow the lawn with an old fasion lawn mower with Lisa - just for the hell of it. its just the same old thing everyday here. Wake up, go to school, go to the barn, come home, take a shower, eat dinner, do homwork, go to bed. every fucking day. im getting sick to the point where i never want to wake up. every morning i just look forward to sleeping again, sleeping my life away. its like my life is pointless. i keep telling myself i want to pack and move, but then i think, and i cant stop thinking. i go back and forth. move, stay here, move, stay here. so what if i move? i wont have my awesome father and his awesome girlfriend, and my new baby brother. then some of my friends. my two cute kitties. and then my pony. speaking of my pony. im selling her. what i just said didnt make sence. you're probably thinking...why would she stay to be with her pony that shes selling? im getting another one. my dad wants me to start riding and go somewhere with it. that means so much to me, that he cares about it. but if i move, my mom cant afford it. and there goes that - my dream.
my brothers moving to florida for school. that means my mom will be alone. i hate thinking that. she doesnt deserve to lose her husband and her kids. i feel guilty, but not. i miss her. i miss my dog. i miss my cats. i miss all my friends. and i really never thought i would say it, but i miss Kenny like crazy. i miss when he and my mom were together, how happy they were. it might sound like im so totally gay, but i love seeing her happy. he was so good to her. he is soo awesome. he let me do things that i never really got to do. but that not it, i just miss the things we would all do together, like we were a family. he would always talk so much, to the point where i just wanted to hit him. but i look back on it now and i miss it sooo much. i miss when he would come to school and we would sit outside and talk. or he would come to the house and we would sit on the couch talking. and his parents are sooo cooool. they are really nice, i dont really kno them all that well, but i dont have to kno them to realize they are awesome. whenever i hear the song kenny dedicated to my mom, i cant stop listning to it, and the more i listen to it, the more i think about him, and the more i think about him, the more i think about maine, then my friends. god i hate myself. i hate that i moved. why didnt i just stay in maine?
so now i think that if i move to maine, my dad will stop paying for my cell phone. i know it seems selfish, but i cant help it. he bought me a computer for christmas/birthday. will i be able to take it? or no, becuase it will be at my moms house. its always about that. about who will get what. its mine, not hers, shes not going to have it...so whats the big deal? you gave it to me anyway. stop acting like a kid and give it up.
ok so what if i stay in florida? i wont have my mom, my dog, my cats, all of the friends that i basically left behind. my life. i left my fucking life in maine. 14 years of my life and i dicide to move to florida? yea, i was looking for a change, but fuck change, i want it the way it used to be.
shannon imed me when i was at school. she told me how much she missed me and how she wants it the way it used to be. she told me how i was one of her best friends. thats it, that got me. i started crying, i couldnt stop. its those things that my friends say to me, that make me want to move back even more. god i hate myself. i hate to say it but i think i like Drew again. i dont know whats wrong with me. seriously. i saw a picture of him and i just..i dunno. and i kno he doesnt like me like that, so i should probably just get over him. i cant really help it though.
this is the longest post and im sure noone will bother reading it, who cares, its my feelings and i had to write them down somewhere.
later