(no subject)
Alright I feel like shit...and i should. I hurt one of my best friends, and when I try and make things right...it blows up in my face. When she actully found out what happend, she wasn't mad, but now she hates me. -sighs shaking head- Heather, I don't hate you...I never did, I never will. Pushing me away, may make you feel better, and maybe it's something you think you have to do, but i'm not going anywhere, i'm staying here, with my cell on for the second you need to talk.
Yesterday was...long. Let's see. I found out Nick wasn't going to marry anyone but me...which made me feel like such an ass for what I said in my update. Let me make a few things straight for the record, even though i know some how this is going to blow up in my face to...it always does!
When I left Trace at first I wasn't "with" Nick, I was pretty much a loner at first. Then i started spending the night at Nick's...almost every night. NO not for what everyone is thinking...nothing like that happend. I just stayed with him. Then i moved to New York with him and things started to...grow? between us. He disappeared for awhile and i guess that gave me time to think.
I actully figured out who I really was, not the person you all thought I was. And still through all this I still loved Trace. But there are many types of love; theres the way you love your family. Theres the way you love your friends. Then...theres that true love. I had to figure which one of them was my true love, but my mind always took over my heart.
When I was making that decsion Trace was with Angel. Now even though I loved him then I knew, or at least I thought. It wouldn't do me any good because I knew I could only be his friend...I grew to except that. Since I was spending a lot of time with Nick, I thought about things and I loved Nick too. Now I will not tell you which type of love they both fit in to, I will tell them...and only them.
So it was time for me to either move on...or just sit back and watch everyone else be happy. I decided to move on, me and Nick had talked about going to Vegas before, but I never thought I was ready for something like that. While we were sitting around the new apartment I told him I was ready and i wanted to go. It never happend...I disappeared again for awhile...so that's my own fault.
When I came back I was reading updates and the way I saw that everyone was falling in love with Nick, and Nick wanted to take other people to vegas with him...it hurt and I felt so foolish and so played out. Which should explain yesterdays post better. It does not mean everything else in that post was a lie. No it was for the most part all truth.
Trace everything i said about you in that post...was the truth, I meant every word of it.
Also yesterday when I was checking my messages I had found out colt had left to go be with heather. And I was ok with that, it hurt but I expected it. "Your the one he gave his name too." I couldn't compete with that in a million years.
So I was packing my things to leave...again and Colt called. At first I let my machine pick it up and wasn't going to talk to him. But damn him he said something and I had to pick up. He told me he was coming back to LA and i told him to stay there. We fought and fought about him leaving. I kept telling him to stay.
Well a little while later I was looking out in my window and he pulled up in my drive way, I walked out to meet him and my first words were something a long the lines of go back, you shouldn't be here. He is stubborn, I warn you, so he wouldn't listen. Eventually I did get him to fly back though, and I who hates flying got on the plane with him....
On a happier note, I also went to the park last night, i felt like a little kid again. i fell flat on my ass on the spiny thingy but "my secret affair" helped me up. He also pushed me on the swings, we played on the monkey bars, i stole his wallet and he fell out of a tree. Thus that was my night. -laughs-
WAIT I also was talking to J when he hooked up with Britney -nods- congradulations you two.
~Jessy
I was going to do shout outs but...i changed my mind
Yesterday was...long. Let's see. I found out Nick wasn't going to marry anyone but me...which made me feel like such an ass for what I said in my update. Let me make a few things straight for the record, even though i know some how this is going to blow up in my face to...it always does!
When I left Trace at first I wasn't "with" Nick, I was pretty much a loner at first. Then i started spending the night at Nick's...almost every night. NO not for what everyone is thinking...nothing like that happend. I just stayed with him. Then i moved to New York with him and things started to...grow? between us. He disappeared for awhile and i guess that gave me time to think.
I actully figured out who I really was, not the person you all thought I was. And still through all this I still loved Trace. But there are many types of love; theres the way you love your family. Theres the way you love your friends. Then...theres that true love. I had to figure which one of them was my true love, but my mind always took over my heart.
When I was making that decsion Trace was with Angel. Now even though I loved him then I knew, or at least I thought. It wouldn't do me any good because I knew I could only be his friend...I grew to except that. Since I was spending a lot of time with Nick, I thought about things and I loved Nick too. Now I will not tell you which type of love they both fit in to, I will tell them...and only them.
So it was time for me to either move on...or just sit back and watch everyone else be happy. I decided to move on, me and Nick had talked about going to Vegas before, but I never thought I was ready for something like that. While we were sitting around the new apartment I told him I was ready and i wanted to go. It never happend...I disappeared again for awhile...so that's my own fault.
When I came back I was reading updates and the way I saw that everyone was falling in love with Nick, and Nick wanted to take other people to vegas with him...it hurt and I felt so foolish and so played out. Which should explain yesterdays post better. It does not mean everything else in that post was a lie. No it was for the most part all truth.
Trace everything i said about you in that post...was the truth, I meant every word of it.
Also yesterday when I was checking my messages I had found out colt had left to go be with heather. And I was ok with that, it hurt but I expected it. "Your the one he gave his name too." I couldn't compete with that in a million years.
So I was packing my things to leave...again and Colt called. At first I let my machine pick it up and wasn't going to talk to him. But damn him he said something and I had to pick up. He told me he was coming back to LA and i told him to stay there. We fought and fought about him leaving. I kept telling him to stay.
Well a little while later I was looking out in my window and he pulled up in my drive way, I walked out to meet him and my first words were something a long the lines of go back, you shouldn't be here. He is stubborn, I warn you, so he wouldn't listen. Eventually I did get him to fly back though, and I who hates flying got on the plane with him....
On a happier note, I also went to the park last night, i felt like a little kid again. i fell flat on my ass on the spiny thingy but "my secret affair" helped me up. He also pushed me on the swings, we played on the monkey bars, i stole his wallet and he fell out of a tree. Thus that was my night. -laughs-
WAIT I also was talking to J when he hooked up with Britney -nods- congradulations you two.
~Jessy
I was going to do shout outs but...i changed my mind