Rage...
White hot fury boils through my blood and I seek to calm it... so I am going to write.
I take time to form bonds with people, to truly begin to trust them. I let myself trust someone a little sooner than usual and in typical fashion it resulted in me getting burned, badly. The irony is that this wasn't a romantic relationship even, it was just a friendship. I fucking trusted him, I believed in him, I worked hard to try to help him as long as he was working on improving his life and for what?
The other night, he told me with a straight face that he resigned our friendship. He called me all kinds of obscenities and screamed at me to get out of his house. He didn't like the fact that I went into the living room instead of straight out the front door despite the fact that I was there to grab my shoes and my bag so that I COULD leave. He screamed how he had "loved" me and demanded to know what gave me the right. And when I didn't answer, and instead walked out the door, that apparently sent him over the edge and he chased me out the front door with a chair which he flung at me.
The result is that every dollar I spent, every minute I spent... working to try to help him, was rendered totally valueless. My gestures of friendship, were meaningless and worthless to him. That is how I was made to feel and a certain trust was shattered. I no longer trust this individual to not hurt me on an emotional level. And yet despite this lack of trust and a degree of absolute heartbreak, I went back.
He phoned me that night, later on... still very intoxicated... to apologize. He didn't know quite what it was he was apologizing for... but he knew that he had reason to be sorry. I wasn't even sure if the idea of an apology had come from himself, or from the other people who were there who had witnessed what happened. So I asked to talk to one of them... and he let me know without me even asking that it had been M's idea... all on his own. He managed to convince me to go back to the house that night even.... and I did. M was passed out. I went back again the next morning though because I was told that he wanted to apologize, and what I received that morning was the type of apology that someone who is sick, gives to their caretaker. It was weak. Very weak. Conveniently he had no recollection of anything he'd done the night prior, though he DID manage to remember that he had phoned to apologize. I told him we'd talk about it later, because drunken apologies seem as insincere as hungover ones do and when the individual isn't even sure what it is they're apologizing for then what's the point?
Right now I feel like I should've just kept on staying away... I went back too soon, in the hopes of repairing that which was damaged, but it didn't work. What ended up happening is I cleaned the fucking house again... I did the usual chores that I was doing... Minus a few that the new person at the house has been doing. Instead of being made to feel valued and appreciated, somehow once again and probably inadvertantly ...I`ve been made to feel worthless. I`m worth hanging out with, as long as I`m driving places, and doing dishes, and sweeping and vacuuming,.... but when it comes to actually sitting down and giving me the direct apology for what transpired a few nights ago... well, I`m not worth that. Instead its easier to invite a constant flow of people over to the house. I`m good for the chores, but not for the social time. Fuck I feel like an idiot of the highest caliber. The irony is that tomorrow I told him I`d do shit for him then too.
What the freakin`fucking'èffin hell is wrong with me?
I take time to form bonds with people, to truly begin to trust them. I let myself trust someone a little sooner than usual and in typical fashion it resulted in me getting burned, badly. The irony is that this wasn't a romantic relationship even, it was just a friendship. I fucking trusted him, I believed in him, I worked hard to try to help him as long as he was working on improving his life and for what?
The other night, he told me with a straight face that he resigned our friendship. He called me all kinds of obscenities and screamed at me to get out of his house. He didn't like the fact that I went into the living room instead of straight out the front door despite the fact that I was there to grab my shoes and my bag so that I COULD leave. He screamed how he had "loved" me and demanded to know what gave me the right. And when I didn't answer, and instead walked out the door, that apparently sent him over the edge and he chased me out the front door with a chair which he flung at me.
The result is that every dollar I spent, every minute I spent... working to try to help him, was rendered totally valueless. My gestures of friendship, were meaningless and worthless to him. That is how I was made to feel and a certain trust was shattered. I no longer trust this individual to not hurt me on an emotional level. And yet despite this lack of trust and a degree of absolute heartbreak, I went back.
He phoned me that night, later on... still very intoxicated... to apologize. He didn't know quite what it was he was apologizing for... but he knew that he had reason to be sorry. I wasn't even sure if the idea of an apology had come from himself, or from the other people who were there who had witnessed what happened. So I asked to talk to one of them... and he let me know without me even asking that it had been M's idea... all on his own. He managed to convince me to go back to the house that night even.... and I did. M was passed out. I went back again the next morning though because I was told that he wanted to apologize, and what I received that morning was the type of apology that someone who is sick, gives to their caretaker. It was weak. Very weak. Conveniently he had no recollection of anything he'd done the night prior, though he DID manage to remember that he had phoned to apologize. I told him we'd talk about it later, because drunken apologies seem as insincere as hungover ones do and when the individual isn't even sure what it is they're apologizing for then what's the point?
Right now I feel like I should've just kept on staying away... I went back too soon, in the hopes of repairing that which was damaged, but it didn't work. What ended up happening is I cleaned the fucking house again... I did the usual chores that I was doing... Minus a few that the new person at the house has been doing. Instead of being made to feel valued and appreciated, somehow once again and probably inadvertantly ...I`ve been made to feel worthless. I`m worth hanging out with, as long as I`m driving places, and doing dishes, and sweeping and vacuuming,.... but when it comes to actually sitting down and giving me the direct apology for what transpired a few nights ago... well, I`m not worth that. Instead its easier to invite a constant flow of people over to the house. I`m good for the chores, but not for the social time. Fuck I feel like an idiot of the highest caliber. The irony is that tomorrow I told him I`d do shit for him then too.
What the freakin`fucking'èffin hell is wrong with me?