Thoughtful
So it has been a rough couple of days, as you may have surmised from a couple of my earlier posts.
Last night, I felt like I had no friends... at least none that were close. I just want to give a HUGE thank you to JimH for being such a great friend, and for being there for me when I really really needed someone. Thank you for listening to me rant, and letting me vent, and just get it all off my chest. Thank you for showing me that just because I can't hang out with someone "in person" that it doesn't mean that I am "all alone"... just means I've put myself in this situation, and I've got to learn to live with it.
Today was another hard day. Less so on the work front... had a good day at work actually. I got off work and had txt'd a couple of people to see what they were up to. One of them, completely ignored me. Okay actually 2 of them did... but 1 of the 2 I told not to say no right away plus I bitched him out last night so who knows... maybe he is out of my life now... I don't know. The other one though I will confess it came as a shock that she didn't even deign to reply. Oh well. I understand that right now I am going through a really tough time, and that as caught up as I am in my own issues right now, perhaps she has stuff of her own that she is going through & she can't be there for me.
The third person... was someone else I had tried to reach out to last night, but who wasn't there for me. And tonight was the final straw. I have tried to be friends with JimMarcotte before, I have tried really hard to be patient & understanding that he leads an incredibly busy life, and he does. However I think that for years, I have harbored this naive headspace, that he is "more" of a friend than he is. Looking back, I think I would have to say he isn't a friend at all... and he hasn't been. Some of that may be due to how I have treated him in the past, however it has been a year now and quite honestly my time is worth more than this. My time is worth more than being ignored. My time is worth more than having friends who when I need them to be there, they brush me off. My time is worth more than dealing with someone who doesn't take me seriously, at all. There's a difference between being "lighthearted" and being disrespectful. Sometimes, I need to be taken seriously. These days, I need to be taken seriously. I am in a situation, I feel I am in over my head, and I feel at times as though I am floundering, and so when I feel like I am floundering, I don't have a great deal of patience for people who I feel are weighing me down. So... I cut him loose. I cut Jim Marcotte out of my life, I hit my limit, I felt disrespected, and so I looked him in the eye for a long few minutes and he laughed in my face and made some remark about the "look of death" ... and I told him that I was fed up with not being taken seriously, that I was fed up with not being treated as a friend and not having my needs for a friend, be returned in kind. I then told him to get out of the house, which he did after which I went & wrote an email to him and explained that I do not ever wish to hear from him again.
My time, is worth more than that.
I think that what my lesson for 2009 ultimately is, is that I need to learn once more that I can only ever truly rely on me, to take care of me. It is difficult to reconcile because I have these old fashioned values that say on the one hand that if I am ever in a relationship in the future again, that I need to be able to let go of the reins a bit, and give up some of the control, and let someone take care of me when I need them. Then on the other hand the other half of my head says "Yeah look how well that turned out this time." -- I still care a great deal for David, I love him to pieces and back together again and he was a fantastic husband in many ways. There wasn't any one thing that came between us it was an accumulation of small things that over time just became overwhelming. The accumulation of small things, led to one really big one which is that he shifted from being a partner, to posing a very real danger to me being able to accomplish my goals. I love him, but -nothing- will stand between me & my goals. The one thing I will not sacrifice for anybody else, is my dreams.
I'm going to leave off with a quote that I grew up & saw twice a day at least as a kid.
"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly."
Last night, I felt like I had no friends... at least none that were close. I just want to give a HUGE thank you to JimH for being such a great friend, and for being there for me when I really really needed someone. Thank you for listening to me rant, and letting me vent, and just get it all off my chest. Thank you for showing me that just because I can't hang out with someone "in person" that it doesn't mean that I am "all alone"... just means I've put myself in this situation, and I've got to learn to live with it.
Today was another hard day. Less so on the work front... had a good day at work actually. I got off work and had txt'd a couple of people to see what they were up to. One of them, completely ignored me. Okay actually 2 of them did... but 1 of the 2 I told not to say no right away plus I bitched him out last night so who knows... maybe he is out of my life now... I don't know. The other one though I will confess it came as a shock that she didn't even deign to reply. Oh well. I understand that right now I am going through a really tough time, and that as caught up as I am in my own issues right now, perhaps she has stuff of her own that she is going through & she can't be there for me.
The third person... was someone else I had tried to reach out to last night, but who wasn't there for me. And tonight was the final straw. I have tried to be friends with JimMarcotte before, I have tried really hard to be patient & understanding that he leads an incredibly busy life, and he does. However I think that for years, I have harbored this naive headspace, that he is "more" of a friend than he is. Looking back, I think I would have to say he isn't a friend at all... and he hasn't been. Some of that may be due to how I have treated him in the past, however it has been a year now and quite honestly my time is worth more than this. My time is worth more than being ignored. My time is worth more than having friends who when I need them to be there, they brush me off. My time is worth more than dealing with someone who doesn't take me seriously, at all. There's a difference between being "lighthearted" and being disrespectful. Sometimes, I need to be taken seriously. These days, I need to be taken seriously. I am in a situation, I feel I am in over my head, and I feel at times as though I am floundering, and so when I feel like I am floundering, I don't have a great deal of patience for people who I feel are weighing me down. So... I cut him loose. I cut Jim Marcotte out of my life, I hit my limit, I felt disrespected, and so I looked him in the eye for a long few minutes and he laughed in my face and made some remark about the "look of death" ... and I told him that I was fed up with not being taken seriously, that I was fed up with not being treated as a friend and not having my needs for a friend, be returned in kind. I then told him to get out of the house, which he did after which I went & wrote an email to him and explained that I do not ever wish to hear from him again.
My time, is worth more than that.
I think that what my lesson for 2009 ultimately is, is that I need to learn once more that I can only ever truly rely on me, to take care of me. It is difficult to reconcile because I have these old fashioned values that say on the one hand that if I am ever in a relationship in the future again, that I need to be able to let go of the reins a bit, and give up some of the control, and let someone take care of me when I need them. Then on the other hand the other half of my head says "Yeah look how well that turned out this time." -- I still care a great deal for David, I love him to pieces and back together again and he was a fantastic husband in many ways. There wasn't any one thing that came between us it was an accumulation of small things that over time just became overwhelming. The accumulation of small things, led to one really big one which is that he shifted from being a partner, to posing a very real danger to me being able to accomplish my goals. I love him, but -nothing- will stand between me & my goals. The one thing I will not sacrifice for anybody else, is my dreams.
I'm going to leave off with a quote that I grew up & saw twice a day at least as a kid.
"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly."