(no subject)
All can i say to myself at this point is everything is going to be ok. The school year its over and now its summer and im at home, and its never been so nice to be at home. I never realized how much i love my family, how much i miss them. Sure my mom is crazy and very annoying and sure my dad is the quite doesnt say all that much but i love em.
This whole year i struggled, i struggled so much to be happy. I didnt know where or how i would find it and i could never get a grasp on how other people had it. Buts its not something you find, its not something that just shows up one day, its something that takes time, it takes thinking a certain way, it takes letting go of the past, it takes holding on to the things you love most, it takes work, happines is work, and ive learned one thing about myself ive never applied myself to anything that ive ever done. Ive never worked hard, because i want to belive that the things i want out of life can be achieved by just holding just waiting, and sure thats what it take but it takes so much more then that. It takes work, and work means applying force, using the energy that you have, work means not giving up. I always take the easy way out. All along ive been telling myself ill find what im looking for, but how can i find it if all i ever do is think down, all i ever do is put myself down.
I can never love someone, and thats the one thing i want most out of life, and ive written bout so many times in here but i think that may just be beacuse i always believe people percieve me a certain way, and i cant do that anymore, i cant blame it on the fact that i think other people see me that way, the simple fact is i see myself that way, im the one that believes the negative, im the one that cant be happy, i dont love me, and maybe that cuz people have made fun or me or hurt or hated me i dunno know but i know that isnt even close to the main reason. I need to believe in myself, or else ill continue down this road that im tired of being on, thats probably why i so long to fall in love or why i get attached so very easily beacuse i dont have any faith in myself, and i look for someone to find the positive side of me because i dont believe there truly is any. If someone can show me that they are able to love me then maybe i can love myself but that wont work, it will end exactly how all bad relationships do, in failure. This is the one thing i do not need to fail at.
The biggest thing that i plan on changing this summer is my attitude. I cant continue to see the negative side of things, its funny i always see the positive for other people but never myself. I have to stop expecting myself to fail. I have to forget everything ive ever had in my life, i have to forget all the past and just start a clean slate. Im not saying im going to forget it all but i need to leave it behind. Ive been searching for who i am on a daily basis and it caused me to cry and im tired of crying, im tired of pain, im tired all of this. My faith is weak and it needs to be strong, im gonna take it day by day and wake up in the morning as positive as I can be. I dont have to always make a negative comment, the problem is that i do, its become my nature to make a joke or put myself down, and im not sure how i can change it, it needs to happen and im taking this summer to sit back and figure it all out, to take in Gods plan to listen, to pray, to believe beacuse ive noticed one thing ever since ive questioned everything i believed in my life has only gotten worse. I want to take authority over my life and begin to do and think good things, and hold onto the faith that never left but was probably misused.
Oh and by the way if anyone actually takes the time to read this long entry. Im home for the week if you want to hang out call the cell 586-945-9275.
This whole year i struggled, i struggled so much to be happy. I didnt know where or how i would find it and i could never get a grasp on how other people had it. Buts its not something you find, its not something that just shows up one day, its something that takes time, it takes thinking a certain way, it takes letting go of the past, it takes holding on to the things you love most, it takes work, happines is work, and ive learned one thing about myself ive never applied myself to anything that ive ever done. Ive never worked hard, because i want to belive that the things i want out of life can be achieved by just holding just waiting, and sure thats what it take but it takes so much more then that. It takes work, and work means applying force, using the energy that you have, work means not giving up. I always take the easy way out. All along ive been telling myself ill find what im looking for, but how can i find it if all i ever do is think down, all i ever do is put myself down.
I can never love someone, and thats the one thing i want most out of life, and ive written bout so many times in here but i think that may just be beacuse i always believe people percieve me a certain way, and i cant do that anymore, i cant blame it on the fact that i think other people see me that way, the simple fact is i see myself that way, im the one that believes the negative, im the one that cant be happy, i dont love me, and maybe that cuz people have made fun or me or hurt or hated me i dunno know but i know that isnt even close to the main reason. I need to believe in myself, or else ill continue down this road that im tired of being on, thats probably why i so long to fall in love or why i get attached so very easily beacuse i dont have any faith in myself, and i look for someone to find the positive side of me because i dont believe there truly is any. If someone can show me that they are able to love me then maybe i can love myself but that wont work, it will end exactly how all bad relationships do, in failure. This is the one thing i do not need to fail at.
The biggest thing that i plan on changing this summer is my attitude. I cant continue to see the negative side of things, its funny i always see the positive for other people but never myself. I have to stop expecting myself to fail. I have to forget everything ive ever had in my life, i have to forget all the past and just start a clean slate. Im not saying im going to forget it all but i need to leave it behind. Ive been searching for who i am on a daily basis and it caused me to cry and im tired of crying, im tired of pain, im tired all of this. My faith is weak and it needs to be strong, im gonna take it day by day and wake up in the morning as positive as I can be. I dont have to always make a negative comment, the problem is that i do, its become my nature to make a joke or put myself down, and im not sure how i can change it, it needs to happen and im taking this summer to sit back and figure it all out, to take in Gods plan to listen, to pray, to believe beacuse ive noticed one thing ever since ive questioned everything i believed in my life has only gotten worse. I want to take authority over my life and begin to do and think good things, and hold onto the faith that never left but was probably misused.
Oh and by the way if anyone actually takes the time to read this long entry. Im home for the week if you want to hang out call the cell 586-945-9275.