(no subject)
So many thoughts running through my head right now, i want to belong i wanna feel like im a part of something worth wild. But what is that and where is that. Im thinking about droping the fraternity, im thinking about droping school, im failing, im falling apart right now and its my fault and i know this, but its like i dont care, i use to say i didnt care and would actually be lying to myself cyz i knew in my heart i cared. But ive given up on that feeling, its different now. im thinking about possibly just moving away for while. Ive never been someone that doesnt plan im not all that spontaneous, but i need to search and find out where im suppose to be and who im suppose to be. Everyone tells me that it will come or that i should just be myself, ill figure it out, well shit i dont even know what being myself is anymore. Ive been down for so long now i dont know what its like to be up, im use to being down, thats me, or thats how it feels anyway. At the end up this semester ill have spent 2 years in college, and yet have no idea, what i want to do, i dont even know my major. I just put myself more and more into debt with very little to show for it. I have some amazing memories from this place, nothing can change that but if I dont feel like i belong, and im not happy, what good am i doing me. I get sick of being the nice guy, i get sick of the shit that happens, i get sick of being depressed, the only answer that i have for myself is to let go, forget everything thats happened, the good the bad, the life ive created for myself and maybe start over, somewhere new, why try to change my life here when it is here that has stopped my life from changing. I guess i dont forget easily cuz i have an amazing memory, which sucks cuz then if i cant forget i never move on. I always remember the bad. So if i place myself in a new environment maybe i can weed out the memories, the friends, the people the fraternity, and find a place where im happy...its gotta be about me at some point.