Transformation
I've been dying to write in here for a very long time, but now that I have a chance to, words escape me....
I dont know why I reacted the way I did to that voicemail. All of a sudden I was so completely happy to hear Alex's voice. I've missed him so much. I dont know how to explain it, some people would think that I like him more than a friend, and I guess in some ways their right and some ways their wrong. I kind of had an ephihany while thinking about it. Alex is much more than a friend, he's like a brother. Are friendship was never force or even complicated, it just was. Now that I think about it, he was the only guy that I could sleep over his house and feel okay with it because I knew his parents were okay with it. It's so werid but gaps always fill our correspondance whether its an email or a visit, but his mom always seems to remember me, and Im not sure why I find that kind of weird, but comforting at the same time. I know I shouldnt be feeling like this, or even devoting a whole section in my livejournal about it but I'm very very very happy he is in NY and hopefully Ill get to see him before I go to Egypt. He's absolutely the silliest person. He sounds exactly the same, I would know it was him even if it had been years and years. Always gentlemen like...yes, I think thats why I like him so much as a person. Theres something so old fashioned about him, I cant exactly put my finger on it.
Anyway, while lost in my reverie of hopefully seeing him after...what is it four years? wow...well I realized that I love boys. Then it clicked, this was the reason I felt so out of tune now. With Roy gone, I had no boy in my life. I had appeased him and let them go. I used to be so close with so many..Antony, Kiyoshi, Adam....Theres something so easy about them. Their relaxed, but spontaneous and silly. And I realized, thanks to Tom's comment that I have the same characteristics as a boy. Not that I dont have feminine traits and not that I dont like my girlfriends, but when I look at my closest girlfriends....Lara and Ashley, I realize they have "manly" characteristics too. Am I pathetic or what? The only girls I really connect with are just as manly as me? And then I started to think why this was. Why I prefered the company of men than women? And it became very obvious. Everything at once was very obvious. I love my older brother so much. In fact, I get a little smug when ever I say I have an older brother. I dont know why, its not like Im the only one that has an older brother. But i grew up with Mike, I liked the same things he did, probably out of admiration--wanting to be exactly like my older brother. Yes, comic books, action figures, K'Nex, creepy crawlers, video games, climbing trees, and then I feel weird whenever Im in a dress, never wanting to paint my nails (its so inconvienent to keep up with) my nonchalance about trivial matters that dont include life and death. Yes, it makes perfect sense. Why I could never and still wont ever date a guy who I have already deemed my friend. Because to me their not my friend, their like my brother.
And thats how I know that my excited feelings werent because of a crush. Its because I get to see my family again, I get to see Alex who has always been very supportive. Watched me cry, made me laugh. And not only that but he calls me. I feel like Im always the one trying to make things happen to see my friends, but then I dont all the time because I dont want to be pushy. I get anxious that the people I used to hang out with everyday in highschool, over the summer feel cold toward me because I dont keep in contact the way I should. Especially, the girls... I could see how I would offend them. But the guys never seem to care, or even make a big production out of it. Theres never that weird feeling of being out of place with guys. They dont even seem to notice the time I wasnt there. Its like my presence is normal, not an intrusion.
Im not as vocal as others, and I keep my mind clouded. But that never seemed to bother Alex. And even still after four years he still calls me, because he wants to hang out with me. It feels very refreshing. I could just smash my phone for getting poor reception out here. I missed his call and now I dont know what hes doing or If ill get to see him before I leave, and it makes me sad.
Then there's the fact that I feel strangely lonely. I think its because of what I said before. I dont have Roy to be preoccupied with. I never thought I'd be that girl. Giving up friends just because it made him uncomfortable, because he was too self conscious. Never again! Because I'm 100% loyal to whomever Im with. And if they cant realize that about me then I cannot help them and their obviously not the one. I also think because theres a new chapter in my life. After this semester, I'll be well...an adult. Not that Im not now, but I'll have...my degree. And expected to get a real job. Kind of scarey, kind of exciting. Kind of stressful. A fulltime job and part time school. Or full time school and part time job and loans piling up. And then theres the fact I wont be here, in the U.S. that is...
And why? Why can't I be normal? It actually pains me that I cant be normal. Why cant I be happy to marry my highschool sweetheart and accept that fact that he made a mistake? Why cant I be happy in NY? I love NY. Why cant i be happy to settle, get a job a house and make babies at 25? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Shouldnt this be how it is. Small town girl living a small town life? What exactly am I searching for? Why isnt that pictured life what I want, why cant it be what I want? Im really struggling here, I just want to be normal. Desperately so.
So many conflicting thoughts, so many worries. Am I making a big mistake? I dont want to pretend to be happy living in NY with babies that are supposedly mine pulling on my legs, and a husband bringing home money, I want to be happy with this. It seems so simple, what every girl wants. Every girl, but me. The mangirl apparently. I couldnt even type husband without cringing. Pathetic.
I'm going to go see Quntuam Solace now. I love James Bond, I love action films. Urgh. Or course I do. Man, right.
S
I dont know why I reacted the way I did to that voicemail. All of a sudden I was so completely happy to hear Alex's voice. I've missed him so much. I dont know how to explain it, some people would think that I like him more than a friend, and I guess in some ways their right and some ways their wrong. I kind of had an ephihany while thinking about it. Alex is much more than a friend, he's like a brother. Are friendship was never force or even complicated, it just was. Now that I think about it, he was the only guy that I could sleep over his house and feel okay with it because I knew his parents were okay with it. It's so werid but gaps always fill our correspondance whether its an email or a visit, but his mom always seems to remember me, and Im not sure why I find that kind of weird, but comforting at the same time. I know I shouldnt be feeling like this, or even devoting a whole section in my livejournal about it but I'm very very very happy he is in NY and hopefully Ill get to see him before I go to Egypt. He's absolutely the silliest person. He sounds exactly the same, I would know it was him even if it had been years and years. Always gentlemen like...yes, I think thats why I like him so much as a person. Theres something so old fashioned about him, I cant exactly put my finger on it.
Anyway, while lost in my reverie of hopefully seeing him after...what is it four years? wow...well I realized that I love boys. Then it clicked, this was the reason I felt so out of tune now. With Roy gone, I had no boy in my life. I had appeased him and let them go. I used to be so close with so many..Antony, Kiyoshi, Adam....Theres something so easy about them. Their relaxed, but spontaneous and silly. And I realized, thanks to Tom's comment that I have the same characteristics as a boy. Not that I dont have feminine traits and not that I dont like my girlfriends, but when I look at my closest girlfriends....Lara and Ashley, I realize they have "manly" characteristics too. Am I pathetic or what? The only girls I really connect with are just as manly as me? And then I started to think why this was. Why I prefered the company of men than women? And it became very obvious. Everything at once was very obvious. I love my older brother so much. In fact, I get a little smug when ever I say I have an older brother. I dont know why, its not like Im the only one that has an older brother. But i grew up with Mike, I liked the same things he did, probably out of admiration--wanting to be exactly like my older brother. Yes, comic books, action figures, K'Nex, creepy crawlers, video games, climbing trees, and then I feel weird whenever Im in a dress, never wanting to paint my nails (its so inconvienent to keep up with) my nonchalance about trivial matters that dont include life and death. Yes, it makes perfect sense. Why I could never and still wont ever date a guy who I have already deemed my friend. Because to me their not my friend, their like my brother.
And thats how I know that my excited feelings werent because of a crush. Its because I get to see my family again, I get to see Alex who has always been very supportive. Watched me cry, made me laugh. And not only that but he calls me. I feel like Im always the one trying to make things happen to see my friends, but then I dont all the time because I dont want to be pushy. I get anxious that the people I used to hang out with everyday in highschool, over the summer feel cold toward me because I dont keep in contact the way I should. Especially, the girls... I could see how I would offend them. But the guys never seem to care, or even make a big production out of it. Theres never that weird feeling of being out of place with guys. They dont even seem to notice the time I wasnt there. Its like my presence is normal, not an intrusion.
Im not as vocal as others, and I keep my mind clouded. But that never seemed to bother Alex. And even still after four years he still calls me, because he wants to hang out with me. It feels very refreshing. I could just smash my phone for getting poor reception out here. I missed his call and now I dont know what hes doing or If ill get to see him before I leave, and it makes me sad.
Then there's the fact that I feel strangely lonely. I think its because of what I said before. I dont have Roy to be preoccupied with. I never thought I'd be that girl. Giving up friends just because it made him uncomfortable, because he was too self conscious. Never again! Because I'm 100% loyal to whomever Im with. And if they cant realize that about me then I cannot help them and their obviously not the one. I also think because theres a new chapter in my life. After this semester, I'll be well...an adult. Not that Im not now, but I'll have...my degree. And expected to get a real job. Kind of scarey, kind of exciting. Kind of stressful. A fulltime job and part time school. Or full time school and part time job and loans piling up. And then theres the fact I wont be here, in the U.S. that is...
And why? Why can't I be normal? It actually pains me that I cant be normal. Why cant I be happy to marry my highschool sweetheart and accept that fact that he made a mistake? Why cant I be happy in NY? I love NY. Why cant i be happy to settle, get a job a house and make babies at 25? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Shouldnt this be how it is. Small town girl living a small town life? What exactly am I searching for? Why isnt that pictured life what I want, why cant it be what I want? Im really struggling here, I just want to be normal. Desperately so.
So many conflicting thoughts, so many worries. Am I making a big mistake? I dont want to pretend to be happy living in NY with babies that are supposedly mine pulling on my legs, and a husband bringing home money, I want to be happy with this. It seems so simple, what every girl wants. Every girl, but me. The mangirl apparently. I couldnt even type husband without cringing. Pathetic.
I'm going to go see Quntuam Solace now. I love James Bond, I love action films. Urgh. Or course I do. Man, right.
S