conversations & communications
how do you have a conversation with your husband? beyond the "how was your day dear?" the more years we've been together, the more i've come to realize that we have less to talk about. the only stuff we really have to talk about to each other anymore are life issues, money, children, family, etc. we used to be able to talk for what seemed like hours, it's like we exhausted our entire conversational repertoire in the first 2 years. now what?! i'm jealous because he's spent the last hour talking online through team speak with a bunch of people (mixed company, and one overly rambunctious "bubbly" chick). i don't enjoy star wars. it was never one of my "things" growing up and i really don't see much to it, forgive me if you're reading this and you're a star wars fan, i'm just not. unfortunately for me i married a star wars zealot. now, i make the sacrifices, i even admit, in public, that i'm a member of the san diego star wars society, but it's all for his sake. i don't enjoy talking about it, he can find some way to relate everything he comes across to it, and most of his friends are star wars fans, hell, he's even converted liz. they can easily spend 3-6 hours, combined, simultaneously, whatever, a day playing galaxies. where am i? well, it's either their day off and i'm at work, or, i'm sitting in the living room, alone (or with his mom) or i'm asleep. the only other mutual thing we have to converse about is the sca, but there's really not much there to make conversations out of. he thinks we talk too much during the day, we probably do, but i'm sure there's also couples out there that can do this and still be able to talk to each other when they come together in the evening. he also has this habit of wanting to do something, like watch a particular show, or get excited about watching a movie that's coming on t.v. and stopping everything else he's doing, until about half way or a little bit more through it, and then, suddenly, he's gone. disappeared to the computer. i feel neglected, but i don't know why. we'll argue over this and i'll tell him that, and then he'll ask me what i'd rather he do? what should we talk about? and i don't have an answer. he's been on the computer for the last hour, and what does he do as soon as he gets off the computer? makes the bed, lays down, and proceeds to fall asleep. now, he'll be up and down all night, he won't sleep all the way through. somewhere around 2-3am, he'll wake up to go the bathroom and stop to check his "e-mail" on the way back to bed. this doesn't happen every night, but i'd say about 3x a week. anywho, back to my original question, how do you have conversations with your husband? i feel like we don't know each other anymore, and we've discussed trying to "start over" with each other, re-learn each other so to speak, but that doesn't seem to be working. we just fall back into the old married shlump and any creative process towards re-learning each other is out the window. we have tried to not talk to each other during the day, unless absolutely necessary, but there still doesn't seem to be much to talk about at night. i try to look interested when he's talking star wars, but i don't know what he's talking about, and it just doesn't interest me, but i try. i really do. but some days, especially when i'm tired, it just doesn't work. i don't know, i guess i'm just being silly. i'd just like to be able to spend time with him, watching t.v. (an actual whole show, all the way through without him running to check his email), or just being together. but yet, i shy away from him when he tries to be intimate. sometimes i'll respond, but usually, i'll shy away from his caress, or turn my lips away and offer him a cheek when he comes in for a kiss. and i don't know why!!! i don't even know when that started! i don't even care to hold his hand that much anymore, or touch him really. why?!?!?! i wish i knew. i wish i could remember when i started acting like that so i could see what may have caused it. cause i see him giving liz attention, and i want it, so i tell him, then he offers it to me, and i shun it or shy away from it. i'm rejecting the very thing i'm asking for and i don't know why. then we argue over it. we reconcile, i'll not shun it or shy from it for a little bit, and then slowly, i'm back to doing it again. then i see him giving attention to liz, and asking for it, getting it, shunning it, arguing over it, and again the circle repeats itself. it's a circular argument, and one i can't see a way out of. what do i do? i ask for things and then when i get them i don't want them. i remember, very vaguely, a time when i wanted it, got it, and liked it. but it was when we were dating. i try to remember those memories, put myself in that frame of mind and it works most of the time, but it's a temporary fix. i need something that i can work on that would make this more permanent. i'm #1 in his life, in his mind, and he gives me everything i ask for, and i reject it. how do i stop that?