im depressed...letz go shopping
i hate curve balls. i hate it when it looks like its going straight down the plate and all of a sudden the bottom drops out...n ur left there like "uh...wuh happen?" (hehe i watch too much baseball) i think i've gotten hit by a few pitches since i got back from vacation. i've never dreaded being in a place so much. i think every part of my being hates being in albertus. my time has expired, i need 2 go. i look back and i feel...angry, pissed, disappointed, indifferent, loca en la cabeza...wut happened? at wut point did i lose myself? Where did I go wrong? I used to be strong, happy, loveable, confident, one not to be fucked with. and now i look in the mirror and i dont recognize myself. my titi diane used to hate my green contacts cuz she said the eyes were the window to the soul and i wuz hiding sumthin behind those contacts. (crazy woman) but maybe she wuz rite... wen everyone sees me i seem fine but wen i look at myself...i see failure. i see weakness. i see someone else. this is not the alyssa everyone once knew, that i once loved. how can i search for love and the treatment i deserve wen i cant love myself first? if i dont stop hurting myself (cuz technically datz wut im doin) im goin 2 CoMpLeTeLy lose myself. i still cant believe im doin this to myself. and all i ever hear about is everyone else's pain. itz ok to hurt alyssa cuz shez stronger and she can handle it better. shez not affected. shez a fighter. she'll bounce back itz ok. letz help this person or that instead. ERRRR wrong answer. im so SICK & TIRED of me gettin the shitty end b/c i appear stronger. jus cuz i dont bitch doesnt mean i dont hurt. sumtimez i think i have to friggin hurt myself to show that im bein hurt, like a sign to leave me alone...but i dont have the ballz to do it cuz i dont want attention like that. i'd rather continue bein ignored...i keep wonderin how long will it be b4 i crack? i think im startin to...soon...soon. but i should shut up now cuz im not allowed to speak about it (apparently)
so wen all else fails i go shopping! lol yes spend away ur tears. i think i went a lil crazy this week. i got a new coach bag, make-up, a few after prom outfits, n other stuff. I've spent so much money on prom alone its disgusting (i've spent over $600 on my dress alone). but it makes me feel better. if im shoppin i cant think. but i think i need to stop cuz im poor hehe. o n i need the rest of the money for prom damn it! im poor people! pay up! (2 weeks away YaY) n lisa n her date is comin to the after prom (which i had a feelin about hence me not allowin wutz his face for the after prom) so now we are bak to a FULL ride to the city but itz all gravy i'll find a comfy lap
o funny note: i got home on friday/saturday mornin at 3AM! it wuz so funny. i wuz basicly told at 12 "im not pickin u up so find ur way or take a cab."... so i had 2 wait 4 a ride n it wuz pretty funny. i never snuck in that late. luckily every one wuz sleepin n i said i got home at 1 hehe. im bad 2 the bone!
*o i forgot 2 mention "Fuck Wit Men" nite! gooooood timez- we must do again. i've decided im officially a plastic from the movie Mean Girls...cuz i jus m. n we need 2 have another one cuz men jus suck ass...a lot! "I need a man..." hehe n we need anotha karaoke in the car cuz datz jus all around fun...
*AlyssA*