It's Times Like These
I just need to get some things out of my mind.
I'm feeling pretty goddamn shitty right now. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that my probation officer is gonna violate me again, put me in front of the judge one more time. I don't understand how others I know get put on felony probation, and get off in 1/3 of the time I have been held up. This shit is wearing me so thin, I have no motivation to do anything.
I'm trying to get a new job, and it seems just as impossible as it did a year ago.
I was at my parent's house today, doing some work for them, and they ordered pizza afterward. I wanted to eat, but that gut feeling wouldn't allow it. My Mom asked me what was wrong, and I said I was having a shit day, not wanting to really open my rib cage and show her my bleeding heart and my crushed soul. So, knowing I was down, she tried to relate to me, and proceeded to tell me about something that gets her down. She said she has these dreams sometimes, that her sister, her best friends Nancy, Pattie, Eddie, and my Grandma are all alive. Really vivid dreams where she is talking to them and having good times with them, and when she wakes up, it really hits her: "what do I have left?"
When she finished telling me that, I didn't know I could feel so low. Here I was, thinking I was in a terrible way, while my Mother is dealing with so much more than I ever could, and she deals with it like a goddamn champion; a fucking warrior. I don't know if shit gets easier to choke down when you're older, or if the nerve endings or synapses that fire and feel pain, sorrow, regret, or remorse calm down over time, but I imagined myself in a situation such as hers, and I knew I wouldn't make it. Not to mention, she has a complete failure for a son, and a daughter who could care less about anything other than material in the world. If I'm feeling the least bit suicidal with my problems now, that would definitely seal the deal.
I don't want to admit that I'm even thinking about offing myself, but it does cross my mind at times. Even more recently. I miss having friends who show the same kind of care and respect that I do for them. I just miss having my close friends close by. Everyone is gone. That's what makes it so hard when you're distant. You ARE my best friend and my girlfriend. When you're distant, everything I have right now might as well be a million miles away. I feel completely empty. I don't like feeling this way. I hope that you're not feeling equally shitty and not telling me. Either way, I need you. If you need me, I'm here. Just tell me what the hell is going on.
That's all I got right now. I'm losing my train of thought. Probably a good thing.
I'm feeling pretty goddamn shitty right now. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that my probation officer is gonna violate me again, put me in front of the judge one more time. I don't understand how others I know get put on felony probation, and get off in 1/3 of the time I have been held up. This shit is wearing me so thin, I have no motivation to do anything.
I'm trying to get a new job, and it seems just as impossible as it did a year ago.
I was at my parent's house today, doing some work for them, and they ordered pizza afterward. I wanted to eat, but that gut feeling wouldn't allow it. My Mom asked me what was wrong, and I said I was having a shit day, not wanting to really open my rib cage and show her my bleeding heart and my crushed soul. So, knowing I was down, she tried to relate to me, and proceeded to tell me about something that gets her down. She said she has these dreams sometimes, that her sister, her best friends Nancy, Pattie, Eddie, and my Grandma are all alive. Really vivid dreams where she is talking to them and having good times with them, and when she wakes up, it really hits her: "what do I have left?"
When she finished telling me that, I didn't know I could feel so low. Here I was, thinking I was in a terrible way, while my Mother is dealing with so much more than I ever could, and she deals with it like a goddamn champion; a fucking warrior. I don't know if shit gets easier to choke down when you're older, or if the nerve endings or synapses that fire and feel pain, sorrow, regret, or remorse calm down over time, but I imagined myself in a situation such as hers, and I knew I wouldn't make it. Not to mention, she has a complete failure for a son, and a daughter who could care less about anything other than material in the world. If I'm feeling the least bit suicidal with my problems now, that would definitely seal the deal.
I don't want to admit that I'm even thinking about offing myself, but it does cross my mind at times. Even more recently. I miss having friends who show the same kind of care and respect that I do for them. I just miss having my close friends close by. Everyone is gone. That's what makes it so hard when you're distant. You ARE my best friend and my girlfriend. When you're distant, everything I have right now might as well be a million miles away. I feel completely empty. I don't like feeling this way. I hope that you're not feeling equally shitty and not telling me. Either way, I need you. If you need me, I'm here. Just tell me what the hell is going on.
That's all I got right now. I'm losing my train of thought. Probably a good thing.