(no subject)
people are always hesitant to say where and when they have power and privilege but i've noticed that they're not too hesitant to wield that same power and privilege... and they dont readily wanna give them up either.. funny huh?.. today was another one of those dramatic soul searching days that just leaves you on the verge of tears.. i can keep doing this to myself.. i dont have very many tears left in me at this point.. i'll eventually just dry up and blow away.. i cant become one of those empty people that just has an empty shell behind their eyes.. when you look at them they just appear yo be in some kind of daze or something.. i wanna get out while i still have some light left u know..
the only thing i regret is the fact that i let them get to me like this... i have so much anger and pain inside me and no where to release it..people keep saying that i shouldn't quit because other people need educating about the situation and it's up to me to educate them.. i'm simply not up to it.. it'd be real easy for me to get over this if it were something trivial like being right handed or a lover of house music or something but it's so deep rooted that i cant not take this personally.. even if i never told another soul what i was.. the fact that there's isnt even a comfortable space for me to exist in quietly is problematic for me.. people let their true feelings show little by little everyday and i just cant be out there hearing it and experiencing it anymore.. the language they use so casually lets me know that they really dont accept me as i am.. terms like "faggot" and "that's so gay" and whatever else it is that they can think of.. the fact that people only use them to express something negative lets me know that's its not okay for me to be "out" around them.. they're always said with such disgust and anger like the most effective word they could use to describe whatever unpleasant situation they're in is to equate it with being homosexual.. and people always say that it doesnt mean anything and that it's just a saying.. but if that were the case then why dont i ever hear "heterosexual" or "that's so straight" when something negative happens?.. if it's no big deal then why those specific words?.. it's cause most people dont fit into that category so it's really easy to dehumanize something that you're not personally apart of.. power and privilege is what its all about.. the power to name someone else and make them feel a certain way about that title and the privilege to either include urself under that title or distance urself from it...
sucks dont it?
the only thing i regret is the fact that i let them get to me like this... i have so much anger and pain inside me and no where to release it..people keep saying that i shouldn't quit because other people need educating about the situation and it's up to me to educate them.. i'm simply not up to it.. it'd be real easy for me to get over this if it were something trivial like being right handed or a lover of house music or something but it's so deep rooted that i cant not take this personally.. even if i never told another soul what i was.. the fact that there's isnt even a comfortable space for me to exist in quietly is problematic for me.. people let their true feelings show little by little everyday and i just cant be out there hearing it and experiencing it anymore.. the language they use so casually lets me know that they really dont accept me as i am.. terms like "faggot" and "that's so gay" and whatever else it is that they can think of.. the fact that people only use them to express something negative lets me know that's its not okay for me to be "out" around them.. they're always said with such disgust and anger like the most effective word they could use to describe whatever unpleasant situation they're in is to equate it with being homosexual.. and people always say that it doesnt mean anything and that it's just a saying.. but if that were the case then why dont i ever hear "heterosexual" or "that's so straight" when something negative happens?.. if it's no big deal then why those specific words?.. it's cause most people dont fit into that category so it's really easy to dehumanize something that you're not personally apart of.. power and privilege is what its all about.. the power to name someone else and make them feel a certain way about that title and the privilege to either include urself under that title or distance urself from it...
sucks dont it?