he and i.. the random ramblings of a girl with pms

[sexckalikitten]

ok so why am i the biggest jerk in the world?!.. i dont understand how i can sit here and tell the entire world what i'm thinking and why but when it comes to telling actual people (like my boyfriend), i cant seem to spit it out.. i think it's cause i'm not used to people being interested in whats on my mind.. my own mother forgets i'm around most of the time..iono... the other day we were on the phone and i was really quiet ( i tend to just zone out sometimes) and he asked me what i was doing and i was said i was just thinking and when he asked what i was thinking about i said "stuff".. i know it drives him crazy when i'm vague like that but i didnt know how else to answer the question.. i hadnt really worked out what exactly was going through my head but i could have been more detailed in my answer than that.. especially since i know he hates it.. anyways.. i think he was annoyed cause i wouldnt tell him.. i could hear it in his voice.. he said he was ok but his mood had changed... i hate it when i make him sound like that... i dont even know what word describes what it sounds like but i think it's disappointment.. or something... anyways, what i was thinking about was my ex boyfriend Dion.. we went out when i was in the 9th grade and we broke up the summer after 10th grade..but it wasnt even like we broke up cause we hated each other or something.. we broke up cause we were young and vindictive.. i still love him very much in fact.. i havent seen him since the summer of 2003... up until a about September 18th, i thought that i would always want to get back together with Dion and even though i still love him very much.. it's not the same feeling as a few weeks.. a lot of it has to do with me but a lot of it has to do with my current boyfriend.. (he prolly wont believe this if and when he reads this but it's true).. September 18th is when i fell in love with him ( i didnt tell him that either but at the time i was thinking that if he didnt feel that same way, i would understand but i'd be really hurt at the same time) but even when i admitted to myself that i had fallen for him, i still thought i would have a thing for Dion (you never let go or forget ur first love) but yesterday i realized that i didnt love Dion the same anymore and that if he came back i wouldn't want to take him back.. that freaked me out.. i've never been without those kinds of feelings for him you know?.. he was my first love after all and a very big part of my teenage years.. we went through a WHOLE LOT of ish together and after we broke up, i just knew that i would always want him back... i dont anymore and that really scares me... i guess this new love business caught me off guard.. i've always been a faithful person but at the same time i've always been a huge flirt.. since i've been with my current boyfriend, i haven't even flirted with anyone else... that's major people!..lol.. i didnt expect him to be how he is.. if that makes any sense.. i dont know how to explain it but i care about him a lot more than i thought i would.. he's just such a sweetheart.. patient, understanding, funny, even tempered, charming, smart.. just an all around good guy.. more than i deserve sometimes i'm sure.. i wish i had more time to spend with him tho, i'm always either working or on campus..i'm nearly down with skool but i had tentative plans to stay here for a little while afterwards.. he's the kind of guy that i would drop everything for.. if he wanted me to move back home after graduation i would..

but that's a whole other story.. right now the plan is just not to piss him off anymore than i already have.. no wait, thats not quite what i meant...oh i dont know what i'm saying now.. i hate being so insecure all the time.. i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop in relationships... like any second he's going to break up with me so i better be prepared.. it's a sad way to live life.. lemme tell you.. faith is what i need to have.. faith and reassurance.. faith, reassurance and the balls to ask him how he feels about us at those moments when i'm not sure..

i really dont mean to be so dramatic all the time folks.. i cant help it.. i would my lack of self-worth and poor self-image on my absentee sperm donor (aka my father) but then i would just be making excuses so i'll just end this one with a sigh and a prayer..

*sigh