A letter I wish I could send
Alan,
What happened? Why did you leave me? Now I am left to face the world alone...or so it feels. I still cant believe that I was on the phone with you while you did it. Yet I didnt know. I shouldve know. I shouldve heard right through your laughter. I hate you, yet I cant help but love you so much.You were suppose to always be there for me, and vice~versa. We had so many good times together. I always wish we couldve had so much more. You were so young, so vibrant, and so full of life. Its so hard to have to go through life without you, and pretend like nothing is hurting me. People cant see through my smiles like you could. You were my friend..my BEST friend. You were my lover, and at the same time, you were my enemy. I had a wall built around my heart for the longest time after you died. I felt that no one in the world could climb over that wall and bring me out of my tortured prison. But now I have someone..someone who looks so much like you. You sent him didnt you? You knew I'd miss you, and hurt, and so you sent him to ease the pain, didnt you? I know why you did it, yet I still cant bring myself to accept it. Its been so long...and yet it seems like only yesterday. I saw your mom the other day, but could not bring myself to talk to her. I had to turn my cheek and look the other way. It brought back so much pain that I thought I had left somewhere along the walk of life. I wish now that I had said something, but I was with some friends...and I didnt want them to know the excruciating pain I have still inside me. They dont know and I dont want them to. I dont want them to think of me as someone who is weak, but I want them to know me as someone who is much better than that. Only one person knows how much I hurt...and thats who you sent to me. But its not the same...You were there the night after I was stabbed, you were there the nights I had terrible dreams and thoughts, you were there to wipe away my tears and pick me up again when I fell. But most of all, you were there to always remind me that I special to someone. Now all of that is gone, and I have to remember that I must keep going no matter what. I made a promise to you...a promise that I will always keep. I have someone here that makes sure I keep that promise, not only because he knows how much it means to me, but also because I need to be there for him, and I DONT want to hurt him, and I love him. Everytime I look into his face, I see you all over again. Its so uncanny how much you two look a like. I wish this could be my goodbye, but yet I know that deep down it isnt. Everytime I see him, I will be reminded of your prescence in my life. Everytime I see the sunset, I will be reminded you're not there to greet tomorrow. Everytime I walk by a cemetary, ill be reminded you're laying in one too far for me to visit. One day though, I will go and visit you, and I will spend all night there. I will tell you everything, and I will hope that wherever you are, you will be listening. Everytime I hear the phone ring, I will be reminded of that night, and wish that it was you all over again...but this time, not have what happened, happen. Alan, I miss you. I love you and I am hurting so bad. I wish that I could have been there for you, yet I wasnt because I had no idea. I was a naive child. I know that if anyone ever reads this, they might be confused. But I know that if you could read this, youd understand it completely. You always understood me....better than anyone. Wherever you are, I know you shine brighter than anyone. I now believe in guardian angels. I love you Alan. Always and Forever....just like we promised. May you forever rest in peace...where the blue grass grows.
Love Always : Your Alecis
(RIP Alan - October 17th, 1984 ~ September 21st, 1998)
What happened? Why did you leave me? Now I am left to face the world alone...or so it feels. I still cant believe that I was on the phone with you while you did it. Yet I didnt know. I shouldve know. I shouldve heard right through your laughter. I hate you, yet I cant help but love you so much.You were suppose to always be there for me, and vice~versa. We had so many good times together. I always wish we couldve had so much more. You were so young, so vibrant, and so full of life. Its so hard to have to go through life without you, and pretend like nothing is hurting me. People cant see through my smiles like you could. You were my friend..my BEST friend. You were my lover, and at the same time, you were my enemy. I had a wall built around my heart for the longest time after you died. I felt that no one in the world could climb over that wall and bring me out of my tortured prison. But now I have someone..someone who looks so much like you. You sent him didnt you? You knew I'd miss you, and hurt, and so you sent him to ease the pain, didnt you? I know why you did it, yet I still cant bring myself to accept it. Its been so long...and yet it seems like only yesterday. I saw your mom the other day, but could not bring myself to talk to her. I had to turn my cheek and look the other way. It brought back so much pain that I thought I had left somewhere along the walk of life. I wish now that I had said something, but I was with some friends...and I didnt want them to know the excruciating pain I have still inside me. They dont know and I dont want them to. I dont want them to think of me as someone who is weak, but I want them to know me as someone who is much better than that. Only one person knows how much I hurt...and thats who you sent to me. But its not the same...You were there the night after I was stabbed, you were there the nights I had terrible dreams and thoughts, you were there to wipe away my tears and pick me up again when I fell. But most of all, you were there to always remind me that I special to someone. Now all of that is gone, and I have to remember that I must keep going no matter what. I made a promise to you...a promise that I will always keep. I have someone here that makes sure I keep that promise, not only because he knows how much it means to me, but also because I need to be there for him, and I DONT want to hurt him, and I love him. Everytime I look into his face, I see you all over again. Its so uncanny how much you two look a like. I wish this could be my goodbye, but yet I know that deep down it isnt. Everytime I see him, I will be reminded of your prescence in my life. Everytime I see the sunset, I will be reminded you're not there to greet tomorrow. Everytime I walk by a cemetary, ill be reminded you're laying in one too far for me to visit. One day though, I will go and visit you, and I will spend all night there. I will tell you everything, and I will hope that wherever you are, you will be listening. Everytime I hear the phone ring, I will be reminded of that night, and wish that it was you all over again...but this time, not have what happened, happen. Alan, I miss you. I love you and I am hurting so bad. I wish that I could have been there for you, yet I wasnt because I had no idea. I was a naive child. I know that if anyone ever reads this, they might be confused. But I know that if you could read this, youd understand it completely. You always understood me....better than anyone. Wherever you are, I know you shine brighter than anyone. I now believe in guardian angels. I love you Alan. Always and Forever....just like we promised. May you forever rest in peace...where the blue grass grows.
Love Always : Your Alecis
(RIP Alan - October 17th, 1984 ~ September 21st, 1998)