Just another rant.
My Mum is upset because I'm angry about all the stupidity involving my Dad. I don't seem to be able to explain to her that to just be hurt and saddened by it all or worse accept it, is worse than being angry at the moment.
Mum hasn't got past hurt and sad yet and that would be ok, but she gets upset because I'm angry. I'm hurt as well but it feels like Mum is trying to guilt me into not being angry.
In the past when I've been upset at Dads actions she has told me that that's just how guys are and you just have to accept it.
I won't.
I'm trying to hold onto the hope there are some decent guys out there. Logically percentage wise there must be some out there that are not complete asses.
My Mum doesn't seem to understand that when she tells me to let this kind of thing go, she basically seems to be saying there is no hope for anything better.
That may be true, it may even be that if I met someone my trust issues would cause any relationship to fail anyway.
If I can't find a happy equal relationship with someone who I can respect and who respects me I don't want one.
This is what I can't seem to explain to my friends and family. I don't want to settle for someone who I will be miserable with just so that I'm not alone.
Maybe in another twenty years I will change my mind but for now I have the right to be angry when someone calls me a bitch to my face a spreads slander behind my back.
I have the right to be angry when someone implies my Mum is a slut and then tells me that "little girls should be seen and not heard" when I try to defend her.
Just because this person is my Dad doesn't make it ok. If this man was a stranger I don't believe my Mum would defend him.
I have let this go because he is my Dad and all that has happened is that he has treated me worse. The only reason he hasn't been physically violent towards me (other than shoving and running shopping trolleys into me) is that I told him that if it came to that I would call the police even on my Father.
This isn't even from some sense of right or wrong, only the fear of getting caught. Am I really supposed to respect this man?
I'm not sure how to explain to my Mother that the idea that this is just the way things are and that I have to accept this kind of behaviour from any guy that I get in a relationships with is utterly terrifying.
Especially because my Dad can be very charming and seem wonderful until you relax and that's when things go bad. Being nice some of the time doesn’t make crappy behaviour ok.
So if all guys are truly like this it means any relationship will have to be a balancing act of never allowing myself to ever let my guard down or be vulnerable.
Mum has also confessed that if he came back and asked her for help she would be quite likely to go back to him, and while this is her choice the very idea of it makes me feel sick.
It may upset her that I'm angry but the other option is a vast depression that all of this stress may all be for nothing and I'm going to lose my Mother to this.
I have stayed because I didn't want to leave her alone with him, he was throwing things at her as well as being verbally abusive, and I didn't feel it was safe to leave her alone with him.
I can't do it anymore, I won't go back and I hate that I may have to leave my Mum alone with that man.
I actually laughed when I saw that he had taken out a DVO on my Mum, I mean what do you say to that other than is this a joke? It was pretty clever though because I don't think he could have hurt Mum more than with that.
She was utterly horrified.
I told her that I don't feel as though he is my Dad anymore, it's like he is a stranger.
Anyway I'm saving money because if it does come down to it I'm not getting involved with Dad again. Hopefully I can keep sharing rent with Mum but if it comes down to it I have my own car and will get my own place if I have to.
I love Mum and will stay in contact but I'm not living with that man again. I'm not even sure how things got so bad because I always thought my Mum and I were stronger than this but it has almost snuck up until it all seemed normal.
It only sunk in how bad it had gotten once we weren't living together anymore. I really think things will only get worse if Mum goes back.
Some of it might have been telling myself that I didn't have it as bad as others, but eventually it has to come to a point when you realise that just because it isn't that bad doesn't mean that it is ok.
I always have been the mean one in my family.
I’m not reading these rants over because then I might not post them in all their bitter glory. Maybe I’ll write a book, “Why You Shouldn’t Let Things Go”. “Maybe It’s Not Ok”, “Reasons You Should Be Angry”, “Warnings For Accepting People”, “Stop Being Nice About It”.
Or maybe just “I Wrote This So I Could Feel Better About Myself”. I’m not a very exciting person so it wouldn’t be a very long book.
Mum hasn't got past hurt and sad yet and that would be ok, but she gets upset because I'm angry. I'm hurt as well but it feels like Mum is trying to guilt me into not being angry.
In the past when I've been upset at Dads actions she has told me that that's just how guys are and you just have to accept it.
I won't.
I'm trying to hold onto the hope there are some decent guys out there. Logically percentage wise there must be some out there that are not complete asses.
My Mum doesn't seem to understand that when she tells me to let this kind of thing go, she basically seems to be saying there is no hope for anything better.
That may be true, it may even be that if I met someone my trust issues would cause any relationship to fail anyway.
If I can't find a happy equal relationship with someone who I can respect and who respects me I don't want one.
This is what I can't seem to explain to my friends and family. I don't want to settle for someone who I will be miserable with just so that I'm not alone.
Maybe in another twenty years I will change my mind but for now I have the right to be angry when someone calls me a bitch to my face a spreads slander behind my back.
I have the right to be angry when someone implies my Mum is a slut and then tells me that "little girls should be seen and not heard" when I try to defend her.
Just because this person is my Dad doesn't make it ok. If this man was a stranger I don't believe my Mum would defend him.
I have let this go because he is my Dad and all that has happened is that he has treated me worse. The only reason he hasn't been physically violent towards me (other than shoving and running shopping trolleys into me) is that I told him that if it came to that I would call the police even on my Father.
This isn't even from some sense of right or wrong, only the fear of getting caught. Am I really supposed to respect this man?
I'm not sure how to explain to my Mother that the idea that this is just the way things are and that I have to accept this kind of behaviour from any guy that I get in a relationships with is utterly terrifying.
Especially because my Dad can be very charming and seem wonderful until you relax and that's when things go bad. Being nice some of the time doesn’t make crappy behaviour ok.
So if all guys are truly like this it means any relationship will have to be a balancing act of never allowing myself to ever let my guard down or be vulnerable.
Mum has also confessed that if he came back and asked her for help she would be quite likely to go back to him, and while this is her choice the very idea of it makes me feel sick.
It may upset her that I'm angry but the other option is a vast depression that all of this stress may all be for nothing and I'm going to lose my Mother to this.
I have stayed because I didn't want to leave her alone with him, he was throwing things at her as well as being verbally abusive, and I didn't feel it was safe to leave her alone with him.
I can't do it anymore, I won't go back and I hate that I may have to leave my Mum alone with that man.
I actually laughed when I saw that he had taken out a DVO on my Mum, I mean what do you say to that other than is this a joke? It was pretty clever though because I don't think he could have hurt Mum more than with that.
She was utterly horrified.
I told her that I don't feel as though he is my Dad anymore, it's like he is a stranger.
Anyway I'm saving money because if it does come down to it I'm not getting involved with Dad again. Hopefully I can keep sharing rent with Mum but if it comes down to it I have my own car and will get my own place if I have to.
I love Mum and will stay in contact but I'm not living with that man again. I'm not even sure how things got so bad because I always thought my Mum and I were stronger than this but it has almost snuck up until it all seemed normal.
It only sunk in how bad it had gotten once we weren't living together anymore. I really think things will only get worse if Mum goes back.
Some of it might have been telling myself that I didn't have it as bad as others, but eventually it has to come to a point when you realise that just because it isn't that bad doesn't mean that it is ok.
I always have been the mean one in my family.
I’m not reading these rants over because then I might not post them in all their bitter glory. Maybe I’ll write a book, “Why You Shouldn’t Let Things Go”. “Maybe It’s Not Ok”, “Reasons You Should Be Angry”, “Warnings For Accepting People”, “Stop Being Nice About It”.
Or maybe just “I Wrote This So I Could Feel Better About Myself”. I’m not a very exciting person so it wouldn’t be a very long book.