Movie Log... Where Does The Time Go?
So I haven't updated my Movie Log in a long time, mostly coz I was like "ohhhh but I'll be watching other movies. I should wait until I have at least five watched." Yeah, not so much. Been concentrating a lot on writing and being graphic-y, which leaves less time for the guilt-inducing lounging-on-sofa-watching-movies. But I did watch three new ones.
35. Sand (2000) -- starring Norman Reedus, Kari Wuhrer, Denis Leary, and some dude whose name I can't remember
This movie is... pretty much a mess. Let's see if I can remember the "plot". The dude whose name I can't remember (hereafter referred to as Dude) leaves home after his mom dies to return to the beach where they... vacationed, or something. Dude comes from a criminal family and when his Bad Relatives do... something bad, they chase after him. Dude meanwhile falls immediately in love with Kari, whose brother is Norm. Dude's stepbrothers then try to rape Kari. Then... I dunno... other stuff happens. I'm gonna be honest here: I don't even remember how it ends.
The plot and timeline are all over the place. Occasionally Denis Leary riffs on shit, which is what Denis does best. And I sat there FUMING over both Kari's "hey, it's over now, I just want to forget it and move on" reaction to her almost-rape and Dude's equally incomprehensible "hey, that was bad, stepbrothers. You guys gotta leave." The reaction of Norm and his friends was the only one that made sense -- they track down the would-be rapists and beat the shit outta them. That's what I'm talking about.
Norm looks SO young in this (another instance where he's actually 31 and is playing a 20 year old -- that's him in SAND in the icon) and blond and he's the best actor out of the bunch. At least I got some good screencaps out of it? ;)
36. Nights Templar (2012) -- starring Paul Sampson, David Carradine, Udo Kier, Norman Reedus
This movie was written, produced, directed by and stars Paul Sampson. Who is Paul Sampson? Yeah, I have no idea, either. Except as someone who clearly has a very elevated idea of his own abilities.
There is a needlessly belaboured and senseless script - There are endless examples… I mean, the whole thing is just horrible, from the repetition of information to the awkward and unnatural dialogue, and some things just had me completely perplexed and amused. Why on earth is Paul Sampson standing in the middle of this rented house in only underwear and leather gloves? No reason. Why does he think greeting his new chef in this attire is completely normal? No reason. Why doesn’t he point out that his new chef is clearly a man dressed as a woman, or appear at all mildly interested/surprised at that? No reason.
And omg the "plot". Sampson is the 'reincarnation' of this knight that was killed by his own men, right? So he's the entertainment director at this party, and everyone else is also reincarnations of other people from that time, and their idea of "entertainment" is to read this book on the coffee table, which is conveniently the story of the knight (and therefore leads to the 'flashback' scenes that take place in the knight-time.) And they're all ENTHRALLED by this story. Goddddddddddddd. Need I mention that our knight is out for revenge?
Then there is the inept direction. The comical fight scenes (why are the, what, 12th century knights Templar using karate moves and doing cartwheels? No reason.) Laughable dialogue. Oh my yes, we have a new Worst Movie Of All Time. At least the previous winner (“Nobody Needs To Know”) intended to be a pretentious artsy movie. This thing intends to be a… I guess a mystery/thriller/drama, and fails on every.single.level.
And omg THEN. Then there is a scene of Reedus getting a blowjob while doing autoerotic-asphyxiation on himself with his own belt (except not very well, because he can still smoke while doing it, heh) which then leads to a scene of the chef squirting white sauce out of a baster onto the turkey. Yes, really. They actually did that.
And Paul Sampson has a very unfortunate speech impediment. It’s difficult to get inspired by a rousing speech on the glory of the Knights Twemplaw or him telling his men to scwouwer the awea.
I feel like I should point out that Norman ONLY did this movie because Paul is a good friend of his (Paul has small roles in a couple of Reedus movies, so I assume that’s how they met.) Norman also recruited Udo Kier. Otherwise there’s no way these guys would’ve come near this stinker. I have to commend Norm on his loyalty to his friends. That’s endearing. But honestly, Norm, in future? Maybe just use your contacts to get the guy some professional help.
*sigh*
37. Looper (2012) -- starring Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
I had SUCH high hopes for this movie. I love Bruce. I mean, I LOVE BRUCE. The critics were going crazy for this. The premise sounded amazing. And... I was sorely, sorely disappointed.
Part of it was the casting. I just couldn't get past how JGL looks absolutely NOTHING like Bruce. Adding a nose and fixing the lips just doesn't cut it. I'm sorry, but there's no way that scrawny little body became Bruce Fuckin' Willis. To give him some credit, there were times when he did SOUND like Bruce -- mostly in little moments, when he would just say "yeah" with the right amount of hesitation and tone and I would blink and go THAT'S RIGHT. But mostly, no.
Part of it was the plot. I figured it out right from the beginning (it's a case of that thing, you know, if you show a gun on the mantel in the first act it better be used by the 3rd act? There was no reason for some of the info we're given unless it's central to the plot, so that made it pretty easy to see where they were heading.) Not to mention that Bruce's plot is often cheesetastic-and-not-in-a-good-way.
And lasting, the editing. It's just sooooo drawn out and looooong and sometimes mind-numbingly boring. I wanted to scream YES I GET IT MOVE ON MOVE ON at the screen. Argh.
There were a couple good moments. My favourite came early on, when we find out just what happens to a future-time-looper when current-time-looper has some truly bad shit happen to him. But all in all? Yeah, sorely disappointed.
Not a good run this time. My mental goal for movies this year was 50, so I don't think I'm gonna make it unless I become a movie-watching fool for the next few weeks. I SHOULD TRY.
I did have a few rewatches as well. I rewatched 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later (because I was in the mood for some Robert Carlyle, and you can't watch one without the other.) And also I rewatched Boondock Saints with Amy (she thought it was weird. It IS weird. That's why I like it! Also, she thought that Sean Patrick Flanery was the hotter brother. First Krystle, now Amy. *throws up hands*)
.
35. Sand (2000) -- starring Norman Reedus, Kari Wuhrer, Denis Leary, and some dude whose name I can't remember
This movie is... pretty much a mess. Let's see if I can remember the "plot". The dude whose name I can't remember (hereafter referred to as Dude) leaves home after his mom dies to return to the beach where they... vacationed, or something. Dude comes from a criminal family and when his Bad Relatives do... something bad, they chase after him. Dude meanwhile falls immediately in love with Kari, whose brother is Norm. Dude's stepbrothers then try to rape Kari. Then... I dunno... other stuff happens. I'm gonna be honest here: I don't even remember how it ends.
The plot and timeline are all over the place. Occasionally Denis Leary riffs on shit, which is what Denis does best. And I sat there FUMING over both Kari's "hey, it's over now, I just want to forget it and move on" reaction to her almost-rape and Dude's equally incomprehensible "hey, that was bad, stepbrothers. You guys gotta leave." The reaction of Norm and his friends was the only one that made sense -- they track down the would-be rapists and beat the shit outta them. That's what I'm talking about.
Norm looks SO young in this (another instance where he's actually 31 and is playing a 20 year old -- that's him in SAND in the icon) and blond and he's the best actor out of the bunch. At least I got some good screencaps out of it? ;)
36. Nights Templar (2012) -- starring Paul Sampson, David Carradine, Udo Kier, Norman Reedus
This movie was written, produced, directed by and stars Paul Sampson. Who is Paul Sampson? Yeah, I have no idea, either. Except as someone who clearly has a very elevated idea of his own abilities.
There is a needlessly belaboured and senseless script - There are endless examples… I mean, the whole thing is just horrible, from the repetition of information to the awkward and unnatural dialogue, and some things just had me completely perplexed and amused. Why on earth is Paul Sampson standing in the middle of this rented house in only underwear and leather gloves? No reason. Why does he think greeting his new chef in this attire is completely normal? No reason. Why doesn’t he point out that his new chef is clearly a man dressed as a woman, or appear at all mildly interested/surprised at that? No reason.
And omg the "plot". Sampson is the 'reincarnation' of this knight that was killed by his own men, right? So he's the entertainment director at this party, and everyone else is also reincarnations of other people from that time, and their idea of "entertainment" is to read this book on the coffee table, which is conveniently the story of the knight (and therefore leads to the 'flashback' scenes that take place in the knight-time.) And they're all ENTHRALLED by this story. Goddddddddddddd. Need I mention that our knight is out for revenge?
Then there is the inept direction. The comical fight scenes (why are the, what, 12th century knights Templar using karate moves and doing cartwheels? No reason.) Laughable dialogue. Oh my yes, we have a new Worst Movie Of All Time. At least the previous winner (“Nobody Needs To Know”) intended to be a pretentious artsy movie. This thing intends to be a… I guess a mystery/thriller/drama, and fails on every.single.level.
And omg THEN. Then there is a scene of Reedus getting a blowjob while doing autoerotic-asphyxiation on himself with his own belt (except not very well, because he can still smoke while doing it, heh) which then leads to a scene of the chef squirting white sauce out of a baster onto the turkey. Yes, really. They actually did that.
And Paul Sampson has a very unfortunate speech impediment. It’s difficult to get inspired by a rousing speech on the glory of the Knights Twemplaw or him telling his men to scwouwer the awea.
I feel like I should point out that Norman ONLY did this movie because Paul is a good friend of his (Paul has small roles in a couple of Reedus movies, so I assume that’s how they met.) Norman also recruited Udo Kier. Otherwise there’s no way these guys would’ve come near this stinker. I have to commend Norm on his loyalty to his friends. That’s endearing. But honestly, Norm, in future? Maybe just use your contacts to get the guy some professional help.
*sigh*
37. Looper (2012) -- starring Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
I had SUCH high hopes for this movie. I love Bruce. I mean, I LOVE BRUCE. The critics were going crazy for this. The premise sounded amazing. And... I was sorely, sorely disappointed.
Part of it was the casting. I just couldn't get past how JGL looks absolutely NOTHING like Bruce. Adding a nose and fixing the lips just doesn't cut it. I'm sorry, but there's no way that scrawny little body became Bruce Fuckin' Willis. To give him some credit, there were times when he did SOUND like Bruce -- mostly in little moments, when he would just say "yeah" with the right amount of hesitation and tone and I would blink and go THAT'S RIGHT. But mostly, no.
Part of it was the plot. I figured it out right from the beginning (it's a case of that thing, you know, if you show a gun on the mantel in the first act it better be used by the 3rd act? There was no reason for some of the info we're given unless it's central to the plot, so that made it pretty easy to see where they were heading.) Not to mention that Bruce's plot is often cheesetastic-and-not-in-a-good-way.
And lasting, the editing. It's just sooooo drawn out and looooong and sometimes mind-numbingly boring. I wanted to scream YES I GET IT MOVE ON MOVE ON at the screen. Argh.
There were a couple good moments. My favourite came early on, when we find out just what happens to a future-time-looper when current-time-looper has some truly bad shit happen to him. But all in all? Yeah, sorely disappointed.
Not a good run this time. My mental goal for movies this year was 50, so I don't think I'm gonna make it unless I become a movie-watching fool for the next few weeks. I SHOULD TRY.
I did have a few rewatches as well. I rewatched 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later (because I was in the mood for some Robert Carlyle, and you can't watch one without the other.) And also I rewatched Boondock Saints with Amy (she thought it was weird. It IS weird. That's why I like it! Also, she thought that Sean Patrick Flanery was the hotter brother. First Krystle, now Amy. *throws up hands*)
.