time is perception
"it was time" she tells me.... again. the first "time" was when she was told by her boy (yes I said BOY - he's not a MAN by any stretch) that she should return the key to our apartment. (Yes, I still call it "ours" - for all it's worth to me, it IS still ours. I highly doubt I could ever have another person live here and not think that it's mine and hers.) Yet, when she mentioned that to me, I told her to keep it as a sign of my feelings for her. "I was not able put a ring your finger," I explained. "So keep the key as a symbol of my feelings for you, my love for you, my trust in you." She did.
After she got out of school today, she called and asked if she could come by for a bit to help "avoid traffic". I thought it weird, since she never really seemed to have a problem before, but whatever... so she came by. I was in the computer room when she came in, so I walked out to greet her. She was doing something with the table (I figured she was just setting her stuff down so she could visit a little), and I "snuck up" on her (completely unintentional) and spooked her for a moment. I then stepped in and kinda put my face close to hers like I was going to kiss her. In doing so, she got a little frustrated, saying "I just want to kiss you right now and say. 'Honey, I'm home.'" We laughed it off, though she knows I would kiss her if she wanted me to. I know by her own admission that she wants me to... going so far as saying "If you make the move, I don't have to feel guilty, right?!" I can't believe the self-control I have exercised about that, given that I want to so bad it hurts. She knows by my own admission that, everytime I see her, I just want to rip her clothes off and make crazy-monkey love to her.
We talked a little, but nothing serious. I even gave her a back and foot massage while we watched TV. She looked at the time and said she'd better get on her way, and I didn't think twice about the fact that she'd only been there maybe 20 minutes. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and I told her to drive safe - something I always do when she leaves (even while we were together).
I left at the same time, since I was headed to my parents house. One of my neighbors pulled into her parking space and got out of her car, and we ended up chatting for over a hour - about life, love, opportunities, phobias, etc. I had told her about my VERY unfortunate March, and she pointed out Kerry driving off, saying "wasn't that...." I cut her off, and said "Yea, that was her. We're still in contact, trying to be friends. We both admit that we still have feelings for each other, though." We talked for a long while about how things were going with us, and what the situation was between us. She said almost exactly everything that everybody else in my life has been telling me - that Kerry is "wanting her cake, and eating it, too", holding on to me just in case things with her boy don't work out.
I tried to explain that we were trying to be friends, keep in contact as friends, and all that jazz, but my neighbor wasn't having it. Like I said - she stated everything that everybody else has. She went on to say that I was holding out, too, for that possibility that reality would slam her in the face and she'd have to realize what all she gave up for what she has now. I never said I was perfect, but I know I'm a better man than he ever will be. Yes, I said, he was a fun guy to hang out with. That's it, and that's all he ever will be. Maybe, at 23, that's all she wants... She's just another in the line of women who want the fun BOY in their lives right now, but then realize later that the MEN they should have been with have already moved on, leaving the scum to pick up the scraps.
I explained to her about the whole "key" situation - how I told Kerry to keep the key as a sign of my trust and feelings for her. We went back and forth on that for a bit, but I kept to the ideal that Kerry was welcome back in my life if she so chose to be. She kind of admonished me, saying that I was holding on to someone who had moved on - again, saying what everybody else was saying.
We talked for over a hour. We had to part ways, else I'd like to think that we would have talked longer. I got to my parents, ate dinner, watched Idol and some news, then came home. I saw Kerry online and tried to start up a convo with her, but the response I got was less than welcoming. I tried to drop a little humor in the mix to draw her out (what can I say? I wanted to chat!), but nothing was happening. So I got a drink out of the fridge and, on my way out of the kitchen, I looked at the table. There it was - the key.
I broke-down right then and there, then called her and let her know how much it hurt me to see that the sign of my trust and feelings for her was left on the table, without so much as a mention of it by her. Among other things, I told her I was glad that she was happy with him. I was glad that I could be a filler for the time until she could be with him again. I was glad that she could move on so easily when nearly everything she was saying and doing with me gave indication that I wasn't the only person having trouble letting go.
She didn't want to talk about it... I can't blame her. I told her that it hurt me greatly to come home and find that, instead of having her at least mention it to me. "A key is just a tool to open a lock," I said. "And a band of metal with gems is just a sign that somebody has money. Yet, it's the symbolism behind it - what the meaning is behind the gesture. It's almost as if you took the symbol of my love for you, threw it in my face, and said, 'Fuck off; I don't need you anymore.'" I know she has a new boy, and to whatever extent is happy, but that doesn't mean she had to be so callous in her actions.
I had no choice but to call my parents, begging for a reassuring voice. I talked to my dad for about 45 minutes before I let him go because it was 00:30... he understands what I'm feeling, and knows exactly what's going thru my mind. He said that there are still times when he thinks about his first wife, his son from that marriage, and what's happening with them now. Yet, he knows that he can't dwell on the past else he miss what's in the present and future. My parents have been nothing but supportive, albeit getting frustrated at points because of my stubbornness.
~~~~
While things are finally starting to come together for me, things are falling apart for her. I joked with her over lunch today (before all this happened), saying that it was karma coming back to haunt her for the fucked up shit she did to me - securing another option before giving up on the one she had. I am not perfect, but I deserved better than that. No, I DESERVE better than that. I would have done anything to ensure her happiness. Now I guess is my chance to do just that...
"If you love something, set if free. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was."
I can only hope for the future.
I don't know why, but I wonder if she even cares....
After she got out of school today, she called and asked if she could come by for a bit to help "avoid traffic". I thought it weird, since she never really seemed to have a problem before, but whatever... so she came by. I was in the computer room when she came in, so I walked out to greet her. She was doing something with the table (I figured she was just setting her stuff down so she could visit a little), and I "snuck up" on her (completely unintentional) and spooked her for a moment. I then stepped in and kinda put my face close to hers like I was going to kiss her. In doing so, she got a little frustrated, saying "I just want to kiss you right now and say. 'Honey, I'm home.'" We laughed it off, though she knows I would kiss her if she wanted me to. I know by her own admission that she wants me to... going so far as saying "If you make the move, I don't have to feel guilty, right?!" I can't believe the self-control I have exercised about that, given that I want to so bad it hurts. She knows by my own admission that, everytime I see her, I just want to rip her clothes off and make crazy-monkey love to her.
We talked a little, but nothing serious. I even gave her a back and foot massage while we watched TV. She looked at the time and said she'd better get on her way, and I didn't think twice about the fact that she'd only been there maybe 20 minutes. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and I told her to drive safe - something I always do when she leaves (even while we were together).
I left at the same time, since I was headed to my parents house. One of my neighbors pulled into her parking space and got out of her car, and we ended up chatting for over a hour - about life, love, opportunities, phobias, etc. I had told her about my VERY unfortunate March, and she pointed out Kerry driving off, saying "wasn't that...." I cut her off, and said "Yea, that was her. We're still in contact, trying to be friends. We both admit that we still have feelings for each other, though." We talked for a long while about how things were going with us, and what the situation was between us. She said almost exactly everything that everybody else in my life has been telling me - that Kerry is "wanting her cake, and eating it, too", holding on to me just in case things with her boy don't work out.
I tried to explain that we were trying to be friends, keep in contact as friends, and all that jazz, but my neighbor wasn't having it. Like I said - she stated everything that everybody else has. She went on to say that I was holding out, too, for that possibility that reality would slam her in the face and she'd have to realize what all she gave up for what she has now. I never said I was perfect, but I know I'm a better man than he ever will be. Yes, I said, he was a fun guy to hang out with. That's it, and that's all he ever will be. Maybe, at 23, that's all she wants... She's just another in the line of women who want the fun BOY in their lives right now, but then realize later that the MEN they should have been with have already moved on, leaving the scum to pick up the scraps.
I explained to her about the whole "key" situation - how I told Kerry to keep the key as a sign of my trust and feelings for her. We went back and forth on that for a bit, but I kept to the ideal that Kerry was welcome back in my life if she so chose to be. She kind of admonished me, saying that I was holding on to someone who had moved on - again, saying what everybody else was saying.
We talked for over a hour. We had to part ways, else I'd like to think that we would have talked longer. I got to my parents, ate dinner, watched Idol and some news, then came home. I saw Kerry online and tried to start up a convo with her, but the response I got was less than welcoming. I tried to drop a little humor in the mix to draw her out (what can I say? I wanted to chat!), but nothing was happening. So I got a drink out of the fridge and, on my way out of the kitchen, I looked at the table. There it was - the key.
I broke-down right then and there, then called her and let her know how much it hurt me to see that the sign of my trust and feelings for her was left on the table, without so much as a mention of it by her. Among other things, I told her I was glad that she was happy with him. I was glad that I could be a filler for the time until she could be with him again. I was glad that she could move on so easily when nearly everything she was saying and doing with me gave indication that I wasn't the only person having trouble letting go.
She didn't want to talk about it... I can't blame her. I told her that it hurt me greatly to come home and find that, instead of having her at least mention it to me. "A key is just a tool to open a lock," I said. "And a band of metal with gems is just a sign that somebody has money. Yet, it's the symbolism behind it - what the meaning is behind the gesture. It's almost as if you took the symbol of my love for you, threw it in my face, and said, 'Fuck off; I don't need you anymore.'" I know she has a new boy, and to whatever extent is happy, but that doesn't mean she had to be so callous in her actions.
I had no choice but to call my parents, begging for a reassuring voice. I talked to my dad for about 45 minutes before I let him go because it was 00:30... he understands what I'm feeling, and knows exactly what's going thru my mind. He said that there are still times when he thinks about his first wife, his son from that marriage, and what's happening with them now. Yet, he knows that he can't dwell on the past else he miss what's in the present and future. My parents have been nothing but supportive, albeit getting frustrated at points because of my stubbornness.
~~~~
While things are finally starting to come together for me, things are falling apart for her. I joked with her over lunch today (before all this happened), saying that it was karma coming back to haunt her for the fucked up shit she did to me - securing another option before giving up on the one she had. I am not perfect, but I deserved better than that. No, I DESERVE better than that. I would have done anything to ensure her happiness. Now I guess is my chance to do just that...
"If you love something, set if free. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was."
I can only hope for the future.
I don't know why, but I wonder if she even cares....