(no subject)
There's a stereotype: when talking about a problem, men will more likely look for a solution while women apparently don't. That is, women will talk about a problem seeking sympathy while men will only talk about a problem if they want to "fix it." I see this on Reddit all the time. I also saw it today in the comments of a Lifehacker article. The article is about how acknowledging someone's unhappiness is more productive than trying to convince them it isn't so bad. The three comments are as follows:
Now, some of what these men say is positive. But even the good is framed by the "women = talkers, men = listeners" narrative which I find both reductive and frustrating. It doesn't really make sense, when you think about it. In same-gender settings, men don't all sit in silence. But when the two genders meet, perhaps people feel pressure to fall into their assigned stereotypes. Even if it's not factually true that women talk more than men in conversation, it's being perceived by men that their main function is to listen. That is, to be "an attentive dog" who nods and agrees with, "I told you she was crazy."
The third comment used a very interesting phrase: "We don't emote about problems." I think the foundational assumption of this stereotype is that "women = emotional, men = logical." Notice, too, that in the first comment the word "fixer" is juxtaposed with "empathy," another logic/emotion comparison.
It also hits on another stereotype: men don't emote about their problems. That sentiment is belittling men just as much as women. It limits both men and women to one type of expression. More than that, it reinforces all the other bad stereotypes about men. I think the old phrase "you wouldn't know day without night" applies equally here: to have a dichotomy, both sexes have to be pigeon-holed. You wouldn't know illogical emotion without unemotional logic. You wouldn't know talking without silence. The men who believe they are only "fixers" and only "listeners" are doing themselves a huge disservice.
It's too bad, really. If they ever did decide to talk about their emotions, I think they'd find the women they're with to be pretty good listeners and fixers too.
- I'll vouch for this working in a relationship as well. I'm a fixer. When my wife shares a problem with me, my instinct is to break it down and see what I might be able to do to help fix the problem. Trouble is (and I learned this early on) that isn't always the right approach. Sometimes, empathy is all that's needed.
I'm still working on learning when I should try to fix people's problems and when I should just shut up and listen.
- ditto... I have found the best conversation to be as follows
"uh huh... really...not surprising... as usual... you're totally right... hmmm... I told you she was crazy. So what else happened today?
The conversation is much shorter, she feels like I'm on her side, and I don't get accused of being controlling or wanting to correct her. She neither wants nor needs my help, but I want a happy wife. - That's a major difference between men and women. We don't emote about problems, we fix 'em. But I've found the listen-to approach will often work with very technical problems, too!
If an engineer comes to me with a technical problem, he will often fix his own problem in real time while trying to describe it. I often get thanked for my technical acumen without ever saying a word. Some days, an attentive dog could do my job.
Now, some of what these men say is positive. But even the good is framed by the "women = talkers, men = listeners" narrative which I find both reductive and frustrating. It doesn't really make sense, when you think about it. In same-gender settings, men don't all sit in silence. But when the two genders meet, perhaps people feel pressure to fall into their assigned stereotypes. Even if it's not factually true that women talk more than men in conversation, it's being perceived by men that their main function is to listen. That is, to be "an attentive dog" who nods and agrees with, "I told you she was crazy."
The third comment used a very interesting phrase: "We don't emote about problems." I think the foundational assumption of this stereotype is that "women = emotional, men = logical." Notice, too, that in the first comment the word "fixer" is juxtaposed with "empathy," another logic/emotion comparison.
It also hits on another stereotype: men don't emote about their problems. That sentiment is belittling men just as much as women. It limits both men and women to one type of expression. More than that, it reinforces all the other bad stereotypes about men. I think the old phrase "you wouldn't know day without night" applies equally here: to have a dichotomy, both sexes have to be pigeon-holed. You wouldn't know illogical emotion without unemotional logic. You wouldn't know talking without silence. The men who believe they are only "fixers" and only "listeners" are doing themselves a huge disservice.
It's too bad, really. If they ever did decide to talk about their emotions, I think they'd find the women they're with to be pretty good listeners and fixers too.