Updateing now, before the frelling computer freezes...
I hate this. I really f-ing hate this. Two days ago my mother says "I'm going out of town wednesday night, so stay home and be sisterly to Arella because she's promised not to have people over or go out or anything. So I say, "Okay, sure." Typical me, just wants to make mom happy, and help Arella be OK.
So then at dinner tonight, Arella goes, "I'm going to have some people over tonight."
"Okay... was this in your agreement with mom?"
"No. I'm, ah... breakin' the law. But since I'm going to do it anyway, I just wanted to let you know and see if you wanted to set some ground rules."
So I say two things. No illegal activities and everyone gone/Arella at home by midnight.
So she says, "Ok."
Then I go out to study with Salem and Trevor. Only this is Trevor... so we end up at his friends house where everyone is smoking and drinking. I basically read him the answers for the homework. I did get some work done on matricies, which was good, but I didn't get home untill 1:45.
Arella and all 8-10 of her "people" were still here. The front door was inexplicably locked.
And I say "Arella, does midnight mean anything to you?"
"I... um, told you when you made them that I wouldn't be following them." says she.
So here I am... smelling of smoke, having gotten no work done yet again, feeling used like my mother must constantly feel. With the smell of smoke coming from Arella's room (which is right next to mine)...
And I hate this. I hate this powerlessness. I'm not her mother, I don't really have the power to control her or force her to do anything. And Mom won't even when she gets back.
I just can't do this anymore. But at the same time, I can't leave her here because god knows what would happen. I don't know...
I had a post earlier today while the servers were down... I'll post it tomorrow... I forgot to email it to myself.
Plus, I used a different shampoo tonight... and it must be the same stuff that Austin uses because I was wearing my hair down and I kept thinking that I smelled his hair... anyway... that's what happened until the cigarette smoke permeated everything... now I can't smell anything.
And I'm not even going to start my dorm rant. I will be in Salem's hall, with a friend of hers named Maggie. Who seems nice. Hates cats though... that's all I know... Either way... I won't be in Ellis. Making it rather difficult to share and PS2 and Tenkuu no Requiem with Kat-senpai. But I might still try, I don't know. I just keep hearing these conversations in my head...
"So what kind of music do you listen to?"
"Um... japanese stuff mostly."
"Oh... uh... anything american?"
"Hm... Alanis Morisette, Sarah McLaughlin... no one else really famous... Ani Defranco occationally..."
"Ok... so what tv shows do you watch."
"I haven't had tv for a couple of years... I used to watch Babylon 5... Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing..."
I just... why am I doing this? Why am I going to be putting myself into a situation like this with someone I don't know... there was meant to be a plan to this... at least in MY head there was...
Why shouldn't I just stay at home where it's cheaper and I have a mother, and food, and...
damn.
I must be tired... I'm crying now... and I have class in 6 and a half hours... and damnit. I can't sleep like this, everything smells like smoke... and it makes me hate myself... even though I didn't do any of it, I was there and I reek of it...
Why can't I just be done? Why don't they just hand me a report card and say 'Here. It's over. You're screwed, get over it.'
So then at dinner tonight, Arella goes, "I'm going to have some people over tonight."
"Okay... was this in your agreement with mom?"
"No. I'm, ah... breakin' the law. But since I'm going to do it anyway, I just wanted to let you know and see if you wanted to set some ground rules."
So I say two things. No illegal activities and everyone gone/Arella at home by midnight.
So she says, "Ok."
Then I go out to study with Salem and Trevor. Only this is Trevor... so we end up at his friends house where everyone is smoking and drinking. I basically read him the answers for the homework. I did get some work done on matricies, which was good, but I didn't get home untill 1:45.
Arella and all 8-10 of her "people" were still here. The front door was inexplicably locked.
And I say "Arella, does midnight mean anything to you?"
"I... um, told you when you made them that I wouldn't be following them." says she.
So here I am... smelling of smoke, having gotten no work done yet again, feeling used like my mother must constantly feel. With the smell of smoke coming from Arella's room (which is right next to mine)...
And I hate this. I hate this powerlessness. I'm not her mother, I don't really have the power to control her or force her to do anything. And Mom won't even when she gets back.
I just can't do this anymore. But at the same time, I can't leave her here because god knows what would happen. I don't know...
I had a post earlier today while the servers were down... I'll post it tomorrow... I forgot to email it to myself.
Plus, I used a different shampoo tonight... and it must be the same stuff that Austin uses because I was wearing my hair down and I kept thinking that I smelled his hair... anyway... that's what happened until the cigarette smoke permeated everything... now I can't smell anything.
And I'm not even going to start my dorm rant. I will be in Salem's hall, with a friend of hers named Maggie. Who seems nice. Hates cats though... that's all I know... Either way... I won't be in Ellis. Making it rather difficult to share and PS2 and Tenkuu no Requiem with Kat-senpai. But I might still try, I don't know. I just keep hearing these conversations in my head...
"So what kind of music do you listen to?"
"Um... japanese stuff mostly."
"Oh... uh... anything american?"
"Hm... Alanis Morisette, Sarah McLaughlin... no one else really famous... Ani Defranco occationally..."
"Ok... so what tv shows do you watch."
"I haven't had tv for a couple of years... I used to watch Babylon 5... Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing..."
I just... why am I doing this? Why am I going to be putting myself into a situation like this with someone I don't know... there was meant to be a plan to this... at least in MY head there was...
Why shouldn't I just stay at home where it's cheaper and I have a mother, and food, and...
damn.
I must be tired... I'm crying now... and I have class in 6 and a half hours... and damnit. I can't sleep like this, everything smells like smoke... and it makes me hate myself... even though I didn't do any of it, I was there and I reek of it...
Why can't I just be done? Why don't they just hand me a report card and say 'Here. It's over. You're screwed, get over it.'