Not again.
It's been ... since January when I last cut.
It's weird. It's been so long, I'm like... itching for it.
Lately I haven't wanted to as much, but some nights it's near impossible and I have to use every ounce of energy to restrain myself and keep myself curled up on my bed. Depression sucks.
Tonight is one of those nights where I just have the urge to make all these thoughts go away with cutting. It clears my mind and makes me feel... different, but I know in the end it's ultimately unsatisfying.
:/
A little background info on me that's a bit TMI but whatever:
I first cut when I was around 14 years old, but only once and for years I didn't cut. It crescendoed last November when I was cutting several times a week. I ended up being hospitalized not just for cutting, but for suicidal thoughts and I was in a mental hospital for about 5 nights. I'm not trying to be all like "Woe is me, life sucks" because... well, I don't like to be like that. I like to try and stay positive. But times like this, it's just hard. While I hated it there in the hospital, I do think it helped me. And I think I needed it.
I just wish I could cut.
I wish that... I wouldn't have to tell my parents and my girlfriend. If I didn't have to tell them, if I didn't have to see their reaction, I would probably be cutting a lot more. Which is bad, but right now I just wish it. X_X
Which makes me both look forward to, and dread, going off to college. Because I won't be with my parents, and my girlfriend and I will only see each other sporadically. So I feel like I'll cut more in college? And that scares me a bit.
...
SO.
Sorry about that depressing nonsense. I'm really sorry. I just need a place to rant and talk about this I guess?
I still want to cut though...