3 Months...
...Have come and gone already since I found out about my miscarriage. And I tell you the pain hasn't gotten any better. Still before going to bed at night I still cry my eyes out. Not just a few pity tears, great big ones that rack my body and make it impossible for me to sleep at night. It took two sleep aids to get me to relax and go to bed.
Right now I should bitching moaning about Daniel kicking my ribs or trying squish my innards. Instead I am empty on the inside. Both figuratively and literally. I should be big as a house and having trouble getting around. But I have none of those things right now. Just a great big empty feeling and the knowledge that something is amiss. But powerless to fix it. I've realized that having another child right now isn't the answer. Hell, I can't even have sex without bursting out in tears. Hell, I can't do it period.
My husband and I tried and I humiliated myself ( or at least I felt that way ) by breaking out into tears. I just couldn't do it. It was embarrassing. I just can't jump back on that particular "bike".
I wonder if I ever can? I do want more children. Lots more, God willing. I don't want Dylan to be an only child. I know that isn't a reason to have more kids. Believe me. I want a bunch of kids because when I became a Mom to Dylan it was the best feeling in the whole world. And I would like to know that feeling a few more times while I am young and healthy enough to experience it and I want Dylan to know the joy of being a big brother. He missed out on this chance, but I want him to be one. I have a feeling that he will be a very good brother to all his unborn brothers and sisters.
How do I know? I just do. Call it mothers intuition or whatever. Don't believe me, then screw off is all I can say. I just know.
Anyways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe tonight I can sleep without crying first.
Right now I should bitching moaning about Daniel kicking my ribs or trying squish my innards. Instead I am empty on the inside. Both figuratively and literally. I should be big as a house and having trouble getting around. But I have none of those things right now. Just a great big empty feeling and the knowledge that something is amiss. But powerless to fix it. I've realized that having another child right now isn't the answer. Hell, I can't even have sex without bursting out in tears. Hell, I can't do it period.
My husband and I tried and I humiliated myself ( or at least I felt that way ) by breaking out into tears. I just couldn't do it. It was embarrassing. I just can't jump back on that particular "bike".
I wonder if I ever can? I do want more children. Lots more, God willing. I don't want Dylan to be an only child. I know that isn't a reason to have more kids. Believe me. I want a bunch of kids because when I became a Mom to Dylan it was the best feeling in the whole world. And I would like to know that feeling a few more times while I am young and healthy enough to experience it and I want Dylan to know the joy of being a big brother. He missed out on this chance, but I want him to be one. I have a feeling that he will be a very good brother to all his unborn brothers and sisters.
How do I know? I just do. Call it mothers intuition or whatever. Don't believe me, then screw off is all I can say. I just know.
Anyways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe tonight I can sleep without crying first.