My birthday... and why I hate it.
Warning: Lots of pent up angst over the last 27 years... yes 27 years. Oh, there will be suspicious sounding whining but fuck it, I don't care. My give a fuck meter has been busted.
------------------
Ok, let's go back 27 years and find out what the fuck is going on.
27 years ago is when I last had a birthday where I was not made to feel like I was an afterthought birthday. What does that mean? It means once the year has been gotten through, all the other family members both in TN and NJ have had there own birthdays gushed upon and happily celebrated, by the time mine rolls around in December it was like "OMG.. one more birthday and it's so close to Christmas!" 😵😱😨 Cue the years of excuses being made why mine was so very low key.
Let's not being actually forgotten. Yes, there have been times it was forgotten entirely and last minute plans made.
I will admit there were years where it was good and genuine and everyone was happy to celebrate it. But still, there was always that little doubt in my mind, that they were and it didn't just come off as social situation they were forced to endure.
And in the last few years, it has really become painfully obvious that some members of my family, more specifically my own son, that are just enduring it. What made me come to this conclusion? The fact that he was finally prodded last night before dinner to tell me "happy birthday mom" and in a voice that clearly said "do I really have to?" Oh and the fact he rather go to bed than make me a card. He hounds me to make we go and get a card for daddy. Jealousy? You bet your fucking ass.
I will admit there has been some bad tension between us. He'd rather be full time with his dad than me. Despite nearly going to jail two summers ago because if that asshole (my ex), my son loves his father way more than he'll ever love me. How do I know? He's made a point in telling me on more than one occasion.
I hate my birthday and I hate this time of year. It feels like a yearly reminder I'm somewhat important to my family, but not enough to be extremely fussed over.
I should just grow up and except it, after all, I'm an adult, but that feeling, at least for me, will never go away.