Pain...
Somethings I don't like to think about. And one of them is my son Daniel.
Here lately I have been thinking of him a lot. The pain, the feeling of abandonment by everyone. Its been six years almost and I find the pain just as fresh and raw as I did then. Except I don't weep for hours on end anymore.
And the worst feeling out of them all is the betrayal I felt from my soon to be ex.
Right now, I am crying. My heart feels like a great big gaping wound. Its raw and bleeding. And believe it or not, I still wait for him to come and hold me, to wipe my tears away and hold me like I matter. Something he has never really done. Not when it happened and definitely not now.
Oh god it hurts so much.
I try so hard to bury the pain I feel about losing him. I try to figure out why it happened. I want to know why God left me alone in that hospital room. I was not made strong by that event. I feel as if I've been laid low by it. Broken by it.
I want to know why my husband wasn't with me. And I want to know why he wasn't with me afterward. Because it seems to me now, that he really didn't care in the first place.
I have offered up my pain to the Cosmos and begged for it to be taken away. To be soothed and healed.
I just want it to go away. Please take it. I don't need it anymore. I want it gone. Haven't I suffered enough. I want someone to take it from me already. God it hurts so much right now.
MAKE
IT
GO
AWAY!
Why am I not better? Why do I still grieve so much? Why couldn't my husband have loved me enough to be there when I needed him the most in my life?
After six years these questions should not plague me still. I've asked David them at one time or another, and all he could do was say "I don't know" and a lame ass "Sorry".
Could this be the reason it lingers so badly? Because I've never been answered properly?
I hate him for the pain he's given me. For the pain that he never took away. I will never forgive him for that.
Here lately I have been thinking of him a lot. The pain, the feeling of abandonment by everyone. Its been six years almost and I find the pain just as fresh and raw as I did then. Except I don't weep for hours on end anymore.
And the worst feeling out of them all is the betrayal I felt from my soon to be ex.
Right now, I am crying. My heart feels like a great big gaping wound. Its raw and bleeding. And believe it or not, I still wait for him to come and hold me, to wipe my tears away and hold me like I matter. Something he has never really done. Not when it happened and definitely not now.
Oh god it hurts so much.
I try so hard to bury the pain I feel about losing him. I try to figure out why it happened. I want to know why God left me alone in that hospital room. I was not made strong by that event. I feel as if I've been laid low by it. Broken by it.
I want to know why my husband wasn't with me. And I want to know why he wasn't with me afterward. Because it seems to me now, that he really didn't care in the first place.
I have offered up my pain to the Cosmos and begged for it to be taken away. To be soothed and healed.
I just want it to go away. Please take it. I don't need it anymore. I want it gone. Haven't I suffered enough. I want someone to take it from me already. God it hurts so much right now.
MAKE
IT
GO
AWAY!
Why am I not better? Why do I still grieve so much? Why couldn't my husband have loved me enough to be there when I needed him the most in my life?
After six years these questions should not plague me still. I've asked David them at one time or another, and all he could do was say "I don't know" and a lame ass "Sorry".
Could this be the reason it lingers so badly? Because I've never been answered properly?
I hate him for the pain he's given me. For the pain that he never took away. I will never forgive him for that.