Two Sides at War
This weekend marked another visit to the therapist. And for the first time, I felt like we were cutting to the heart of something. Like we had tapped something that was important. As I sat in the chair, all I could really hear in my head was finally! And what’s most ironic about this is, it almost didn’t happen.
I went into the office, and we sat down to talk. She told me that I looked different. That she could see it on my face. That I was happy. That something had changed a bit. Because of this, she felt I didn’t have to talk about anything if I didn’t want to. We didn’t have to work on anything if I’d rather pocket the money and come back in a few weeks. However, I didn’t want to leave it at that. I didn’t want to pat myself on the shoulder and consider it done. I wanted to push through.
So we talked.
We started out on my new place. This happiness that is occurring, which stems from the new place. The newness of it all is keeping me active. Keeping me busy. Apparently it’s making me happier- even though I can’t feel a difference. And I think that statement right there sums up everything.
I am happier, but I don’t feel happier.
This set the tone for the rest of the session.
As we all know, I have two sides. And I have been working to make my two sides, my two halves, whole. According to last week’s session, one side of me is cock-blocking the other side. I am getting in my own way. In the session, we labeled one side as the ego. My ego is the one doing the tripping. The other side is my Soul. The Soul is what I am supposed to be listening to. The one I should be following. But I’m not. This is due to the ego telling me all sorts of useless and often times false information. It tells me I’m not happy. It tells me what I do and don’t want (see my post about breathing). It tries to make all of the rules for me. And the ego only backs down once it’s been pushed back, or once it thinks it’s set the ‘rules’ and therefore it’s job is done. The Soul on the other hand is more calm. It’s got it’s shit in order. However, it’s a lot quieter, a lot harder to hear. And apparently, once you really start to work with that side of yourself (she called it a “Soul-led life”) you lose control. You quit trying to control things, trying to be the master of everything, and you just are. You be. Which, for a control freak such as myself, is a tall order (not to mention how little the ego likes this idea as well). It also seems that part of the reason why I “get” things, yet can’t apply them is because my Soul knows something, but my ego doesn’t allow me to apply it, or feel it. It doesn’t allow me to live a lot of what I say.
And really, I find this sad that I don’t feel things. I don’t know when I’m happy. I don’t necessarily know when I’m excited. I always keep my emotions in tight range (well, the happier emotions. I seemingly have no issues with getting angry out in public). And I do wonder if this habit of keeping emotions locked up is part of why I don’t feel so much anymore. Sure, I know when I’m angry and frustrated. I know when I’m sad or down. But I don’t know when I’m happy. I know of things that make me happy, but when I’m doing those things, I don’t feel the happiness there. I deny myself happiness.Which comes to one of the statements we used in this session:
I have no choice but to be sick because I don’t deserve to be fully alive.
We discussed this statement. Why I don’t deserve to be alive. I told her I have no clue where it came from. I’m so damned alive, I can’t imagine wanting to die (even though there was a time when I felt that life wasn’t worth living). She wondered if this was some remnant of some past issue I had.
We also discussed my relationship with my SO. She feels that this move makes us work together. Moving stuff, coordinating where to put items, how to pack stuff, unpack stuff, etc. makes us do things together. It makes us communicate. And that is part of why I’m happier too.
And of course, I don’t really feel that either.
I told her that I was still battling the desire to do a million things at once. That I was being good, and trying to do little to nothing when I’m tired, but I was struggling with telling myself to calm down and rest. I want to do everything I can. All the time. And of course, this interferes with my relationship sometimes because I’d rather go sew, or work on some craft or another than sit with my SO and cuddle or something similar.
So two homework assignments came out of this.
First, I need to create a list of everything I want to do. Everything. Ever. Then I need to break it into short term projects, medium term projects, and long term projects. She feels that this will help me organize my brain and prepare for when I actually get time to do side projects again. Second, I need to create a list of things I can do with my SO on a regular basis to keep this connection going. I am to break this list up into free, low cost, medium cost, high cost, etc. Then we have to decide how we’re going to keep this whole connection thing going on. I more or less need to figure out how I’m going to balance my relationship with my millions of side projects. And I need to stick to it. SO needs to take priority.
So then we went back to the ego thing. My ego is causing me problems. She asked me if I really wanted to work on listening to my Soul and less on my ego. She noted that deep down, I’m afraid of losing control. Afraid of what will happen when I simply let go. However, despite these fears, I would say that I want to continue on this path. I want to see where it leads. I want to ‘jump off the cliff’ as it were. I don’t like that I always seemingly need to be in control. That I have to have my fingers in everyone’s pies. I don’t want to be that person that micromanages everything and everyone in a 5 mile radius. I just don’t want that. And while it might be scary, it might be a bit nerve wracking, I’d like to see where this leads. She then asked my soul if it was ‘ready to do war’. Apparently it is, and it seems this will be the next chapter of work for me.
I am much happier when my Soul is guiding me.
It would seem the first step to working on this is to continue relaxing. She says that my ego is rather busy with the move, with getting stuff done. It has enough to focus on that it’s willing to sorta leave me alone for the time being. So if anything, this is a great time to work on things in the background as it were. And as always, relaxation is important. It helps me to let go, to work on my focusing and relaxation techniques discussed in the Breathing post. And I imagine the more I relax, the easier it will be to hear my Soul talking to me. A phrase to sum the relaxation up is:
I am relaxed and enjoy giving and receiving positive touch.
Apparently this will help me somehow. The hypnosis we did relates to sex, connection and my SO. So perhaps that’s how the phrase is relevant, but I can’t help but feel like there is more to it than this. I’m not a touchy person. I don’t care for being touched. I was rarely touched in my youth, and even now I’m particular about who touches me. Perhaps this is a wall that needs to be examined for other possible ideas, meanings, etc.
The hypnosis wasn’t much for me this week. I laid there, stood on the tenth floor of the building of relaxation. It was empty as always. I took the elevator in the center of the floor. Rode it down to the bottom. I noticed this time I was in a nice black suit. For whatever reason. I started to walk down the hallway, opened the door… and she talked to me. In the beginning, she had me place outdated ideas, fears and concepts into this whirlpool. And after a moment of looking at these useless items in the whirlpool, I was to pull a plug out, and watch these unneeded items leave me. I stood and watched. Sometimes the water was in a tub, then it might shift to a large, round room. Then it would go to being an ocean… and back and forth between these various ideas. After that, I don’t remember a lot of imagery. There were shades of red, black, and skin tone. But honestly, not a lot of images. The hypnosis itself consisted of more or less opening the 5 senses to your partner. Which I suppose would help me to actually do more with him, and find more ways to connect with him.
All in all, it was an interesting session. I feel like I’m finally getting to stuff that is more important. I’ve cut through some of the crap, and I’m starting to work on things that really matter. Of course, everything we’ve worked on matters. Every little step that I take forward is helpful. But for whatever reason, I can’t shake the feeling that this is bigger somehow. That this will change things for me in a larger way. I hope I’m right.
I can also say that the more I work on things, the more I don’t always trust what my brain tells me. I’m slowly beginning to see how sometimes we feed ourselves lies. We coddle ourselves. We tell ourselves things that make it better for the moment, but ultimately ends up hurting us in the long run. I have a friend who told me once that life is filled with lies. Lies we tell ourselves, lies we’ve been told. Lies which don’t appear to hurt on the surface, but can do deeper damage below. The more I head down this path, the more I begin to understand what she told me. The more I start to examine things differently (even within myself and my own thinking) the more the world begins to shift. All I can really say is that it’s interesting how the perspective changes.