Me!
I ask myself, what must one do to win the affection of the one that completes me the most? I’ve tried to make it something more, but it has yet to change. I wonder and ponder the mysteries of the mind, in an attempt to find the answer. I seek a way to change years of friendship and sheltering, being the strength and voice when needed. The one that always listens. The one will do anything for her. I realize now that I may risk that friendship, and all that I’ve gained over the years. But I’m empty. Cold. Alone. I know now that if I don’t try again, and again, until I give everything that I have to give, then I will forever regret it and will find no peace. Until I know without a doubt that it can never be, will I stop. She may be scared. She may just not wish anything more due to some reason that I can’t seem to justify myself. Understanding the minds of others is something I pride myself on being able to do, but sometimes I’m blind to those I’m closest to. I want to make her happy, and to be what I always have been. But I also want more. I may be selfish in this regard, but its something I have to do. Something I have to try. For me to grow as a person I must. For me to move on I must. To simply live I have to try something. My life has been stagnant. Few over the years have I tried to make something more of. I’ve always had friends, but my life has been relatively lonely. I want that to change. I want that feeling of completeness. I don’t want to feel empty anymore. I recently had an incident, and a week before that, of thinking and delving into my own mind, into my soul, to find out who I am, what I desire, and what I want to do. I’ve been strong for others all my life. I’ve put countless others happiness above my own. And have many times disregarded my own feelings and desires because I thought it was the right thing to do, the best thing to do for that person. But I can’t keep on doing this. I can’t live for others my whole life. I need to change for me. If I don’t then I truly never will live life. I will continue to wonder this world guideless, a crutch for the weak, or those that “need” me. I want to make everyone happy, is it so wrong to want the same for myself? Too many times have I not said what I feel, what eats away at me to be said. No longer will I remain silent. No longer will I simply hold my tongue. Its time for change, for better or worse, and I will bring it about. Until I try, I can’t really consider myself alive. Sure I can laugh and joke and have a good time, but its only temporary. I cry, I shake, I feel so lonely all the time. I try and hide it, few know how I ach. Its gotten to the point now that I just can’t ignore myself any longer. There isn’t enough time to do otherwise. If I don’t live for myself a little, what is the point in living? Honestly, is not the point of life to live and find happiness? If I simply find happiness for others its living their lives, not my own. And so now I make this choice. I have decided. And I will do it with all my heart. The end.