somedays i wish i could just crawl out of my skin to leave this place.
so i think this maybe my only true time i've actually wanted to sit down and write about my feeling via livejournal. Its just that they are so potent right now i feel like if i dont write them somewhere they may eat me alive while i sleep tonight.
So its been just around a month since i told him i saw us better as friends than in a relationship. He let out a relieved sigh and happily agreed. I must admit around the last three or four weeks we were together ...if we werent bickering, we were alseep. So positive change right?....it was supposed to be that easy. Now we could be friends and we'd be able to see other people and everything would be great. I didnt add missing him into my calculations though, and as hard as I try i miss him. We work together and i see him still almost everyday yet its like he has cut me off, severed a limb that as hard as I try i can not reconnect with. I miss having him to talk to in the morning, to have him to go to bed to at night. Since I arrived here we were taking on this experience together, yet its become more than clear that its effortless for him to leave that behind and my pathetic self still clings on like a lost puppy.
When I thought I couldnt feel more awkward around him, soon after us breaking up, his feeling for a fellow co-worker and friend became more and more apparent. So here I sit the cast off "used" goods, while he explores how great this new person is and i hear from first & second hand accounts of how wonderful this new person is and makes him feel. Tonight I went to our mutual friends house (cruel self-destruction) to watch a movie with andy and the other person. Things actually went well, we all enjoyed the movie and even conversation afterwards, that is until the reality came that once I walked back to my apartment, they would both head to the same bed and crawl in each others arms and fall asleep. < THIS WAS ME, THOSE WERE MY ARMS, THAT WAS MY LATE NIGHT TALKS > I just feel so angry...well maybe not angry, more hurt. And im not saying that im taking this as a "woe is me" guy mentality, I actually went on a date last night with a nice guy, but all during the date i compared him to how Andy would do things or remember little quirks about something he had once said.
I made a mistake and i dont think i can fix it. and im pretty positive the other party has no intentions of wanting it fixed or even thinks of me as anything more than a friend he once hung out with for a little while. and its sad, and it sucks because i feel like theres so much more I would like to know about this person and i probably will never get the chance, and at best i might have gotten 30% of his true self.
anyway, too many emotions and emotions are silly but they exist, and they have set up shop in my brain and the show no signs of leaving. when i see them together smiling these emotions rise and my heart falls and thats the story of my late summer.
Edit: i forgot to mention that it is really hard to be mad at him.fuck...
p.s im sitting here in the early morning eating the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies he made today and gave me for a belated birthday present.
So its been just around a month since i told him i saw us better as friends than in a relationship. He let out a relieved sigh and happily agreed. I must admit around the last three or four weeks we were together ...if we werent bickering, we were alseep. So positive change right?....it was supposed to be that easy. Now we could be friends and we'd be able to see other people and everything would be great. I didnt add missing him into my calculations though, and as hard as I try i miss him. We work together and i see him still almost everyday yet its like he has cut me off, severed a limb that as hard as I try i can not reconnect with. I miss having him to talk to in the morning, to have him to go to bed to at night. Since I arrived here we were taking on this experience together, yet its become more than clear that its effortless for him to leave that behind and my pathetic self still clings on like a lost puppy.
When I thought I couldnt feel more awkward around him, soon after us breaking up, his feeling for a fellow co-worker and friend became more and more apparent. So here I sit the cast off "used" goods, while he explores how great this new person is and i hear from first & second hand accounts of how wonderful this new person is and makes him feel. Tonight I went to our mutual friends house (cruel self-destruction) to watch a movie with andy and the other person. Things actually went well, we all enjoyed the movie and even conversation afterwards, that is until the reality came that once I walked back to my apartment, they would both head to the same bed and crawl in each others arms and fall asleep. < THIS WAS ME, THOSE WERE MY ARMS, THAT WAS MY LATE NIGHT TALKS > I just feel so angry...well maybe not angry, more hurt. And im not saying that im taking this as a "woe is me" guy mentality, I actually went on a date last night with a nice guy, but all during the date i compared him to how Andy would do things or remember little quirks about something he had once said.
I made a mistake and i dont think i can fix it. and im pretty positive the other party has no intentions of wanting it fixed or even thinks of me as anything more than a friend he once hung out with for a little while. and its sad, and it sucks because i feel like theres so much more I would like to know about this person and i probably will never get the chance, and at best i might have gotten 30% of his true self.
anyway, too many emotions and emotions are silly but they exist, and they have set up shop in my brain and the show no signs of leaving. when i see them together smiling these emotions rise and my heart falls and thats the story of my late summer.
Edit: i forgot to mention that it is really hard to be mad at him.fuck...
p.s im sitting here in the early morning eating the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies he made today and gave me for a belated birthday present.