the emotional side of things
I got through another week at Taboo. I've been spending most of my day off being ridiculously lazy, laying in bed reading. Emotionally things have been up and down this week, I've been going from moments of excitement for the work to intense feelings of loneliness and insecurity. Those feelings are the hardest. I've been doing my best integrating myself with the cast and getting to know them but its tough because I am naturally such a shy person in new situations with new people. Unless its with someone I feel an instant connection with it takes time for me to build friendships with others. I'm not one of those immediately charismatic and endearing people who others instantly fall into friendships with, it usually takes awhile for people to appreciate what I offer as a person. Constantly fighting off and pushing back my natural shyness with the cast and crew leaves me feeling emotionally stressed and ill at ease. Its also hard because I have no safety blanket here, no person to hold me after rehearsals and make me feel better. No close friend here to laugh and rehash the craziness of the day with. Just me. Pushing myself through the interactions, through the crippling bouts of insecurity. When these things feel overwhelming I do reach out, in messages, to my love ones and get responses of support and love. It definitely helps but it doesn't truly combat the feeling of being in this alone.
I always have to remind myself how lucky I am to be here and how work and training will keep me fulfilled until I become closer friends with the cast. I have to remind myself it always takes time to build deeper connections and most of my contracts are good examples of that. I try not to think too much about Pirates Voyage where, while I loved the cast and had fun times with them, I didn't develop any truly close friendships there. Instead I think about the cruise contract, how I hated it, was miserable with my roommate and wanted to leave for about the first two months. It wasn't until Molly joined our little group and I became her roommate instead that everything changed. We developed a close friendship and she opened my eyes to how awesome the contract was. After that things were amazing and it became one of my favorite contracts to date. This contract is starting off much better then the cruise contract did, I'm not rooming with someone I dislike, I'm much more fulfilled in my work, and even though I'm constantly battling insecurity I'm much more confident than I was when I first started on the ship. I just have to keep my head up, focus on rehearsals and training, and not let my insecurities and shyness overwhelm me. As past contracts have shown me things will likely get better on the social end, it will just take time.
I always have to remind myself how lucky I am to be here and how work and training will keep me fulfilled until I become closer friends with the cast. I have to remind myself it always takes time to build deeper connections and most of my contracts are good examples of that. I try not to think too much about Pirates Voyage where, while I loved the cast and had fun times with them, I didn't develop any truly close friendships there. Instead I think about the cruise contract, how I hated it, was miserable with my roommate and wanted to leave for about the first two months. It wasn't until Molly joined our little group and I became her roommate instead that everything changed. We developed a close friendship and she opened my eyes to how awesome the contract was. After that things were amazing and it became one of my favorite contracts to date. This contract is starting off much better then the cruise contract did, I'm not rooming with someone I dislike, I'm much more fulfilled in my work, and even though I'm constantly battling insecurity I'm much more confident than I was when I first started on the ship. I just have to keep my head up, focus on rehearsals and training, and not let my insecurities and shyness overwhelm me. As past contracts have shown me things will likely get better on the social end, it will just take time.