Ch-ch-ch-changes?
I was having a conversation today with my son Tristan, and I do believe that it resulted in a moment of enlightenment for me. Or at least I'm closer to enlightenment. I was reminiscing with him about a relationship in my life "gone bad". This relationship is/was with my father-in-law. I've been married for 22 years, and I knew my father-in-law for a couple years before we got married. Larry and I would go visit him, prior to our nuptials, at his home in the northwest corner of South Carolina. He had an incredible spread of property on a small mountain, looking out at Caesar's Head mountain - nothing but trees and hills as far as the eyes can see. We would get up early and go for walks with Harry (Larry's dad), help him with stuff around the house, eat at small country diners, talk and laugh about anything and everything. When we got married, Harry was Larry's best man. He was ever so charming to my family, looking incredibly handsome in his tuxedo with his gorgeous head of white hair and beard; dancing with my maid of honor, my sister Amy. Nine months later I gave birth to Tristan, and Larry and I were off on our own journey through life. We still went to visit Harry, taking Tristan with us, whom Harry adored. He had a neighbor (and by neighbor, I mean the next property over about 3 miles away) who had a couple horses, and we took Tristan for a horseback ride in the country. His girlfriend, Bonnie was the quintessential southern belle type woman - soft spoken, southern accent, and worshipped the ground that Harry walked on. Anyone who met her loved her. She was kind and forgiving to a fault. All of these memories are precious to me, and I am so glad to have had those experiences.
Three kids later, Daniel, Megan and Nancy; Harry had undergone triple bypass surgery, and Larry wanted to go down and visit him. He wanted to help Harry and Bonnie around the house, and spend some time with his dad. When my mom heard that Larry was going down for a few days, she offered to babysit all 4 of my kids so that I could go with him. She thought it would be nice for both of us to be there - more company for Bonnie, more help for both of them, and maybe a little relaxing time for Larry and I. This was so exciting for Larry and I. Never having enough money to really do much of anything in the way of a vacation - or even dinner and a movie - we thought GREAT! We can stay at the house (which was rather large, by the way - 5 bedrooms, tons of space)and not have to pay for a hotel; relax, enjoy the mountains....... So Larry called Harry to give him the good news, and, well, Harry didn't like it. He didn't want Susan to come. Just Larry. Larry said "But dad, Susan will go off and do stuff with Bonnie -they both like to go antiquing, shopping - we'll have plenty of time to spend alone together. And Susan was looking forward to cooking for everyone..." Nope. He said he didn't want me there. He actually said that I was not welcome in his house. Hmm. Well, now came the fun part - telling my mom "Sorry mom, Larry's dad doesn't want me there - I guess I'll just stay home and Larry can go down alone." Well, when I told her that, she was blown away - all sorts of name-calling, venom oozing out of every pore. Larry was still appealing to his dad, to no avail. Finally, Larry said "Well, I don't understand why you're doing this - but if my wife isn't welcome, I'm not sure I want to come anymore", which really impressed my mom. My mom, in that split second said, "Well, since "Asshole" won't let you go to his house, how about if I pay for a hotel room somewhere nice, and you and Larry can stay in a hotel? I'll even give you some money for gas and food." Presto-chang-o, we made the plan. Larry said he was coming down, with me, and that we were going to stay in a hotel. Harry wouldn't have to lay eyes on me, and Larry would spend "quality" time with his dad, sans Susan. So we got a great room in a tiny motel in Brevard, North Carolina. About 30 minutes from his dad's house, we would wake up in the morning, go have breakfast, then Larry would head down to Harry's house. And I would go horseback riding, hiking on trails in Pisgah National Forest, shopping in cool little shops around town, and even took in a few music concerts at the college in town. Larry and I were there for 5 days, and I think we spent about 2 of them together, but it was o.k.. I had a chance to write in all my journals (I have journals for each of my kids); and reveled in the lack of schedules and responsibility. Larry spent virtually all of every day down at his dad's house. Anyway - I guess that wasn't enough for Harry, and he's never forgiven me for going down there and staying in that motel. This is getting long, and probably boring - but there is a point.
About 6 years later, we took a family vacation. Tristan couldn't come, as he was working at a new job, and couldn't really take the time off. So it was three kids and us, and we wanted to take them to Brevard, NC - since we had enjoyed it so much the last time. Larry asked his dad if he would like to see us, since he hadn't seen Megan since she was a baby, and had never met Nancy at all. Harry told Larry that he would like to see Larry and Daniel, and no one else. Larry said "Wouldn't you like to see the girls?" "Just you and Daniel. No one else". Oh boy, here we go again. So now, I've got to explain to Nancy and Megan that grandpa Harry doesn't want to see them. I actually somehow managed to tell them this without making it sound like Harry was the asshole that he really was. So we get down to Brevard, find a wonderful cabin in the mountains and set up camp. On the 3rd day we drove down to Harry's house, and Larry went in and asked his dad if he wouldn't just like to say hi to the girls. So the girls went in, and at some point Bonnie (his girlfriend who was now dying from breast cancer), came out to the car and asked me to come in and visit with her for a few minutes. Like I'm going to say "no" to Bonnie. So I went in, and stayed in the kitchen so Harry wouldn't have to look at me. Larry came upstairs and said "C'mon downstairs and say hi to dad - it's o.k., I'm sure once he sees you he'll be fine". I really hesitated, but finally gave in - my heart pounding, head aching. I went down the stairs, and Larry says "Hey dad, you remember Suz, don't you?" and Harry looks at me, my children surrounding him, Megan on his lap, and says "Yeah, I remember her, how could I forget?" This was said in a tone that translated something like "Yeah, get the bitch out of my sight". I stood there with this phony grin pasted on my face, and said "Well, I guess I'll just be going - I'll be waiting out in the car". I looked at my kids, and their faces were in shock. Nancy pulled away from the cozy grandpa circle, walked over to me, hooked her arm in mine and said "I'm going with my mom". Megan hopped off of Harry's lap and ran over to me and said "me too". Daniel sat there with a look of bewilderment, saying nothing. I walked over, kissed him on his little head and said "You have a great time with your grandpa - be good, and I'll see you in a couple days". Larry walked out behind us, apologizing all the way to the car. I didn't want Larry to feel bad - it wasn't his fault, and I really didn't want any more discomfort for anyone. I told him that I was fine, and that I would make sure that the girls didn't hate their grandpa. I want my kids to have good memories of their grandparents, and since they hardly ever got to see Harry, I figured I could smooth this event over and blame it all on his age or something. This is all pretty significant, and those of you who know the "real Susan" understand that Harry is fortunate to still have both of his testicles. The girls, however, never bought the old age story. Megan doesn't trust him, and Nancy would like to help perform testicle surgery on grandpa Harry. Daniel really hates how Harry behaved that day, but at his age, he was able to put it aside and have a great time. Harry taught him how to shoot a handgun and a rifle; taught him how to "whittle", bought him a knife and gave Daniel a sharpening stone that he'd had since he was only 12 years old. It has its own box, which Harry hand made himself at the age of 12, and he gave him some oil for the stone. How grandpa-ish. No really, that's all very nice, and I'm glad that Daniel had that experience. Still, Nancy has fantasies of going down there with some of her acquaintences from "the hood" and show him how it's done in North Toledo with guns and knives. And Megan - well, Megan wants to believe that grandpa just had a bad day, but deep down she knows better.
Next month our whole family, Tristan included, are going on a cruise. We will have the pleasure of visiting with relatives in Florida on the evening before we set sail. Harry has since moved to Florida, and lives with Larry's sister. Harry is invited to the dinner party. My mother-in-law, who has been divorced from Harry since Larry was like 8 years old, says that Harry said he will be nice, and that he might even "give Susan a hug". That's how all of this ties into the title of my entry, "changes". She knows me very well, and understands that if Harry gives me a hug, there is a chance that I might forcefully place my knee in his groin. Therein lies my possible enlightenment. Why on earth did I ever let him get away with any of this? This is not my nature. I am so not like that. I know that if I had given this guy his rightful tongue-lashing from the get go, I would have felt much better, and no one would have held it against me. I know that a lot of my restraint came from a desire to not make the other people in my life uncomfortable. But you know, I've let it rip with all of them.....my kids have endured many mini-tyrades, (deserved, mind you), my mother-in-law has seen my ass on more than one occasion, and my husband, well, let's just say he's in line for sainthood. So why? I don't know.
Monday night I went to a girl scout meeting with my daughter, something I did not look forward to at all. The moms were all sitting around discussing who was going to be in charge of what; and I sat there looking at the clock. At some point the troop leader asked if I had ever been in girl scouts, and I answered truthfully "Yes, but I was kicked out". Most of the moms laughed, but one of them who I have worked with on the playground and at lunch time said "I can't believe that! You?" And I just looked at her and said "Yes, it's true. I was asked to leave the troop". And she repeated how shocked she was to hear that. She said that she just couldn't believe that I could have ever been kicked out of something like the girl scouts. Is there anybody reading this who would be shocked to know that I had been kicked out of girl scouts? I'm guessing that one would rather be shocked to find out that I had ever been allowed to join. So what I'm getting at is: Who am I? Have I changed so much throughout the years that I am no longer recognizable to the people who know me? Or am I a different person around different people? I sure don't do anything consciously to act different. I'm just really concerned that people are not knowing who I really am. Or that I have devolved in some sense. I'm getting too careful, maybe. What's happening? On my next birthday I'll be 50. I've heard that the fifties are incredibly "freeing". By then, I'm hoping to be able to come to terms with who I really am, and not be controlled by some invisible duck tape over my mouth. I want my kids to know who I am, and everyone else for that matter. Well, that's the end of this entry. That should last for a few weeks or so.
Three kids later, Daniel, Megan and Nancy; Harry had undergone triple bypass surgery, and Larry wanted to go down and visit him. He wanted to help Harry and Bonnie around the house, and spend some time with his dad. When my mom heard that Larry was going down for a few days, she offered to babysit all 4 of my kids so that I could go with him. She thought it would be nice for both of us to be there - more company for Bonnie, more help for both of them, and maybe a little relaxing time for Larry and I. This was so exciting for Larry and I. Never having enough money to really do much of anything in the way of a vacation - or even dinner and a movie - we thought GREAT! We can stay at the house (which was rather large, by the way - 5 bedrooms, tons of space)and not have to pay for a hotel; relax, enjoy the mountains....... So Larry called Harry to give him the good news, and, well, Harry didn't like it. He didn't want Susan to come. Just Larry. Larry said "But dad, Susan will go off and do stuff with Bonnie -they both like to go antiquing, shopping - we'll have plenty of time to spend alone together. And Susan was looking forward to cooking for everyone..." Nope. He said he didn't want me there. He actually said that I was not welcome in his house. Hmm. Well, now came the fun part - telling my mom "Sorry mom, Larry's dad doesn't want me there - I guess I'll just stay home and Larry can go down alone." Well, when I told her that, she was blown away - all sorts of name-calling, venom oozing out of every pore. Larry was still appealing to his dad, to no avail. Finally, Larry said "Well, I don't understand why you're doing this - but if my wife isn't welcome, I'm not sure I want to come anymore", which really impressed my mom. My mom, in that split second said, "Well, since "Asshole" won't let you go to his house, how about if I pay for a hotel room somewhere nice, and you and Larry can stay in a hotel? I'll even give you some money for gas and food." Presto-chang-o, we made the plan. Larry said he was coming down, with me, and that we were going to stay in a hotel. Harry wouldn't have to lay eyes on me, and Larry would spend "quality" time with his dad, sans Susan. So we got a great room in a tiny motel in Brevard, North Carolina. About 30 minutes from his dad's house, we would wake up in the morning, go have breakfast, then Larry would head down to Harry's house. And I would go horseback riding, hiking on trails in Pisgah National Forest, shopping in cool little shops around town, and even took in a few music concerts at the college in town. Larry and I were there for 5 days, and I think we spent about 2 of them together, but it was o.k.. I had a chance to write in all my journals (I have journals for each of my kids); and reveled in the lack of schedules and responsibility. Larry spent virtually all of every day down at his dad's house. Anyway - I guess that wasn't enough for Harry, and he's never forgiven me for going down there and staying in that motel. This is getting long, and probably boring - but there is a point.
About 6 years later, we took a family vacation. Tristan couldn't come, as he was working at a new job, and couldn't really take the time off. So it was three kids and us, and we wanted to take them to Brevard, NC - since we had enjoyed it so much the last time. Larry asked his dad if he would like to see us, since he hadn't seen Megan since she was a baby, and had never met Nancy at all. Harry told Larry that he would like to see Larry and Daniel, and no one else. Larry said "Wouldn't you like to see the girls?" "Just you and Daniel. No one else". Oh boy, here we go again. So now, I've got to explain to Nancy and Megan that grandpa Harry doesn't want to see them. I actually somehow managed to tell them this without making it sound like Harry was the asshole that he really was. So we get down to Brevard, find a wonderful cabin in the mountains and set up camp. On the 3rd day we drove down to Harry's house, and Larry went in and asked his dad if he wouldn't just like to say hi to the girls. So the girls went in, and at some point Bonnie (his girlfriend who was now dying from breast cancer), came out to the car and asked me to come in and visit with her for a few minutes. Like I'm going to say "no" to Bonnie. So I went in, and stayed in the kitchen so Harry wouldn't have to look at me. Larry came upstairs and said "C'mon downstairs and say hi to dad - it's o.k., I'm sure once he sees you he'll be fine". I really hesitated, but finally gave in - my heart pounding, head aching. I went down the stairs, and Larry says "Hey dad, you remember Suz, don't you?" and Harry looks at me, my children surrounding him, Megan on his lap, and says "Yeah, I remember her, how could I forget?" This was said in a tone that translated something like "Yeah, get the bitch out of my sight". I stood there with this phony grin pasted on my face, and said "Well, I guess I'll just be going - I'll be waiting out in the car". I looked at my kids, and their faces were in shock. Nancy pulled away from the cozy grandpa circle, walked over to me, hooked her arm in mine and said "I'm going with my mom". Megan hopped off of Harry's lap and ran over to me and said "me too". Daniel sat there with a look of bewilderment, saying nothing. I walked over, kissed him on his little head and said "You have a great time with your grandpa - be good, and I'll see you in a couple days". Larry walked out behind us, apologizing all the way to the car. I didn't want Larry to feel bad - it wasn't his fault, and I really didn't want any more discomfort for anyone. I told him that I was fine, and that I would make sure that the girls didn't hate their grandpa. I want my kids to have good memories of their grandparents, and since they hardly ever got to see Harry, I figured I could smooth this event over and blame it all on his age or something. This is all pretty significant, and those of you who know the "real Susan" understand that Harry is fortunate to still have both of his testicles. The girls, however, never bought the old age story. Megan doesn't trust him, and Nancy would like to help perform testicle surgery on grandpa Harry. Daniel really hates how Harry behaved that day, but at his age, he was able to put it aside and have a great time. Harry taught him how to shoot a handgun and a rifle; taught him how to "whittle", bought him a knife and gave Daniel a sharpening stone that he'd had since he was only 12 years old. It has its own box, which Harry hand made himself at the age of 12, and he gave him some oil for the stone. How grandpa-ish. No really, that's all very nice, and I'm glad that Daniel had that experience. Still, Nancy has fantasies of going down there with some of her acquaintences from "the hood" and show him how it's done in North Toledo with guns and knives. And Megan - well, Megan wants to believe that grandpa just had a bad day, but deep down she knows better.
Next month our whole family, Tristan included, are going on a cruise. We will have the pleasure of visiting with relatives in Florida on the evening before we set sail. Harry has since moved to Florida, and lives with Larry's sister. Harry is invited to the dinner party. My mother-in-law, who has been divorced from Harry since Larry was like 8 years old, says that Harry said he will be nice, and that he might even "give Susan a hug". That's how all of this ties into the title of my entry, "changes". She knows me very well, and understands that if Harry gives me a hug, there is a chance that I might forcefully place my knee in his groin. Therein lies my possible enlightenment. Why on earth did I ever let him get away with any of this? This is not my nature. I am so not like that. I know that if I had given this guy his rightful tongue-lashing from the get go, I would have felt much better, and no one would have held it against me. I know that a lot of my restraint came from a desire to not make the other people in my life uncomfortable. But you know, I've let it rip with all of them.....my kids have endured many mini-tyrades, (deserved, mind you), my mother-in-law has seen my ass on more than one occasion, and my husband, well, let's just say he's in line for sainthood. So why? I don't know.
Monday night I went to a girl scout meeting with my daughter, something I did not look forward to at all. The moms were all sitting around discussing who was going to be in charge of what; and I sat there looking at the clock. At some point the troop leader asked if I had ever been in girl scouts, and I answered truthfully "Yes, but I was kicked out". Most of the moms laughed, but one of them who I have worked with on the playground and at lunch time said "I can't believe that! You?" And I just looked at her and said "Yes, it's true. I was asked to leave the troop". And she repeated how shocked she was to hear that. She said that she just couldn't believe that I could have ever been kicked out of something like the girl scouts. Is there anybody reading this who would be shocked to know that I had been kicked out of girl scouts? I'm guessing that one would rather be shocked to find out that I had ever been allowed to join. So what I'm getting at is: Who am I? Have I changed so much throughout the years that I am no longer recognizable to the people who know me? Or am I a different person around different people? I sure don't do anything consciously to act different. I'm just really concerned that people are not knowing who I really am. Or that I have devolved in some sense. I'm getting too careful, maybe. What's happening? On my next birthday I'll be 50. I've heard that the fifties are incredibly "freeing". By then, I'm hoping to be able to come to terms with who I really am, and not be controlled by some invisible duck tape over my mouth. I want my kids to know who I am, and everyone else for that matter. Well, that's the end of this entry. That should last for a few weeks or so.