its only life after all
You know the feeling you get right after you finish a paper you just started the same day because it's due tommorrow (or the same day), where you are all relieved and happy with yourself because 4 hours ago you didn't know where the hell your paper was going and you managed to actually produce something rather intelligent, and maybe even somewhat original- that is totally my feeling right now. It is only times like that I realize I might miss school once I'm out of classes in a week. It's so wierd that my last official week of undergrad (crossing my fingers) is coming up and all I have been thinking the last month is GET ME OUT OF HERE so I won't ever have be in the idiotic situation of taking 6 classes and trying to do well in them all so I can graduate, ever again (at least til grad school).
I don't know if I will go to grad next fall or the fall afterwards. I think part of me is panicing inside because I don't know what to do if I'm not analyzing intellectual shit, but I know a break will be good for me. I need to be out in the non academic world for a while. I need to break myself from all my indulgent student habits, and find new indulgent worker habits. I've been so focused on graduating so I can get a handle on my horrible financial situation I haven't thought much about horizons beyond that. I would like to work somewhere cool like a neat internshipy thing, but that takes time and jumping through hoops and I just need a job to crank out the dough, quick-like, so I doubt I can anything like that for a while. I think a winter of working 40 hours at some random brainless job will go for me; I can spend my personal time like the rest of roommates, and not be stressed forever and broke, and self conscious of being both; and actually spend time drawing/maybe traveling down south, if I save some money, and spent time being a 22 year old that is not so preoccupied with the rat race.
I guess that is kind of a nice thing about being done with school. All these undergrads swarming around me are biting at the bit to try and make 6 digit salaries the moment they leave, and their anxiety and money-talk fucks with my vibes. I don't want that. I want enough money to pay rent and fulfill my obligations, and do fun things for sure, but I don't wanna go for that corporate job right away. I wanna do non profit work, low but steady pay, and then grad school with more suffering (but hopefully a fellowship/grant). I wanna go back out before the rain starts a fallin,'
where the people are many and their hands are all empty,
and I'll tell it and speak it and think and breathe it,
and reflect from the mountain so all souls can see it,
and I'll stand on the ocean til I start a sinkin'
and I'll know my song well before I start a singin'
I don't know if I will go to grad next fall or the fall afterwards. I think part of me is panicing inside because I don't know what to do if I'm not analyzing intellectual shit, but I know a break will be good for me. I need to be out in the non academic world for a while. I need to break myself from all my indulgent student habits, and find new indulgent worker habits. I've been so focused on graduating so I can get a handle on my horrible financial situation I haven't thought much about horizons beyond that. I would like to work somewhere cool like a neat internshipy thing, but that takes time and jumping through hoops and I just need a job to crank out the dough, quick-like, so I doubt I can anything like that for a while. I think a winter of working 40 hours at some random brainless job will go for me; I can spend my personal time like the rest of roommates, and not be stressed forever and broke, and self conscious of being both; and actually spend time drawing/maybe traveling down south, if I save some money, and spent time being a 22 year old that is not so preoccupied with the rat race.
I guess that is kind of a nice thing about being done with school. All these undergrads swarming around me are biting at the bit to try and make 6 digit salaries the moment they leave, and their anxiety and money-talk fucks with my vibes. I don't want that. I want enough money to pay rent and fulfill my obligations, and do fun things for sure, but I don't wanna go for that corporate job right away. I wanna do non profit work, low but steady pay, and then grad school with more suffering (but hopefully a fellowship/grant). I wanna go back out before the rain starts a fallin,'
where the people are many and their hands are all empty,
and I'll tell it and speak it and think and breathe it,
and reflect from the mountain so all souls can see it,
and I'll stand on the ocean til I start a sinkin'
and I'll know my song well before I start a singin'