Spent a lot of my time trying to make this alright...
"So I waited patiently as long as I could. Fought so hard for a girl, that I loved but who later turned out to be someone I hardly knew."
I have no idea what's going on with people these days. One of my best friends I guess heard something about me or that I said something and chose to believe it from a person she hasn't even known for that long. She didin't even come to me to ask if it was true, no confrontation at all. She says that she has to stay away from me or w.e. That's fine with me. I just want to understand what happened and who said what. It's the least I deserve after 3yrs+ of friendship. I know were still friends, just that she's not talking to me for now. Alright. Go gain a boyfriend and once he makes you happy and one day when your bored and remember me, i'll be right where I always was. One of the things that bother me is also how you've changed though. You say change is good and yes it can be but what you've done is like...something that contradicts what you once said. You seem to contradict yourself a lot now =\ If you do end up reading this, you have no reason to get angry over what I'm writing because I recall back then you told me to tell you when I see you changing. I know this HUGE crush you have is the reason behind it because before that we we're good and talking and growing as friends once again. How would you feel in my shoes? How would you feel knowing a close friend of yours chose a crush over you, a trusted friend? This clouds my damn thoughts so much and I hate it. At least now I can say that I've tried fighting to keep our friendship and you kept pushing me away. If it's time you need that's what you'll get. Everyone tells me I'm stupid for this next part but I can't fight off my own nature. When you're over this and remember that I am still the person you've always known, i'll be around. I miss my friend.
Aside from all that...what the fuck is up with the weather? It feels like God is just right on cue every time I feel down ._. I'm gonna buy an umbrella. I mean that both as in a metaphor and in literal terms. I've been wii fit-ing for over a month now and I've gained so much muscle. I'm trying to lose more fat so I can regain muscle. At one point i'll go back to being vegeterian but I need chicken for muscle @_@ I've been growing closer to certain friends and I went back to being social and knowing everyone. It feels good having a huge IM window with like 7 people talking at once. Keeps my mind off things. Oh and I'm also gonna start recording my memories more often now. Pictures and video =] I'm gonna do snap shot stories again. One thing I realized I had back then that helped me a lot with things was having a band. It's like a hobby where I can let shit out and scream my lungs out which is my secret way of letting out what I have inside. Me and Justin have been looking for a drummer for a while now so that's the only thing stopping us. I forgot to use the secret this last month. Makes me sad because it makes sense of why everythings going this way for me. I'm back on top of it though. Positive thoughts will lead me the right way, I know it. Well this is the end of my random rant. I'll leave with this quote which I read that makes sense of how I use to and sorta still do think:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis
It's sort of a risk worth taking...a shelter away from pain.
I have no idea what's going on with people these days. One of my best friends I guess heard something about me or that I said something and chose to believe it from a person she hasn't even known for that long. She didin't even come to me to ask if it was true, no confrontation at all. She says that she has to stay away from me or w.e. That's fine with me. I just want to understand what happened and who said what. It's the least I deserve after 3yrs+ of friendship. I know were still friends, just that she's not talking to me for now. Alright. Go gain a boyfriend and once he makes you happy and one day when your bored and remember me, i'll be right where I always was. One of the things that bother me is also how you've changed though. You say change is good and yes it can be but what you've done is like...something that contradicts what you once said. You seem to contradict yourself a lot now =\ If you do end up reading this, you have no reason to get angry over what I'm writing because I recall back then you told me to tell you when I see you changing. I know this HUGE crush you have is the reason behind it because before that we we're good and talking and growing as friends once again. How would you feel in my shoes? How would you feel knowing a close friend of yours chose a crush over you, a trusted friend? This clouds my damn thoughts so much and I hate it. At least now I can say that I've tried fighting to keep our friendship and you kept pushing me away. If it's time you need that's what you'll get. Everyone tells me I'm stupid for this next part but I can't fight off my own nature. When you're over this and remember that I am still the person you've always known, i'll be around. I miss my friend.
Aside from all that...what the fuck is up with the weather? It feels like God is just right on cue every time I feel down ._. I'm gonna buy an umbrella. I mean that both as in a metaphor and in literal terms. I've been wii fit-ing for over a month now and I've gained so much muscle. I'm trying to lose more fat so I can regain muscle. At one point i'll go back to being vegeterian but I need chicken for muscle @_@ I've been growing closer to certain friends and I went back to being social and knowing everyone. It feels good having a huge IM window with like 7 people talking at once. Keeps my mind off things. Oh and I'm also gonna start recording my memories more often now. Pictures and video =] I'm gonna do snap shot stories again. One thing I realized I had back then that helped me a lot with things was having a band. It's like a hobby where I can let shit out and scream my lungs out which is my secret way of letting out what I have inside. Me and Justin have been looking for a drummer for a while now so that's the only thing stopping us. I forgot to use the secret this last month. Makes me sad because it makes sense of why everythings going this way for me. I'm back on top of it though. Positive thoughts will lead me the right way, I know it. Well this is the end of my random rant. I'll leave with this quote which I read that makes sense of how I use to and sorta still do think:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis
It's sort of a risk worth taking...a shelter away from pain.