vacation is almost over!

[serenitycm]

ok, not that anyone cares, but just in case anyone was worried that i died or something, i am still here. anyway, my fabulous christmas break is winding down - i fly back to st. louis on sunday. I am kind of anxious to get back, but it was sooo good to be home. I didn't realize how much I missed everybody until I got to see them all. Hanging out with my orchestra "posse" was so much fun....we went to dinner and then this weekend I'm going to go see the All-Region Orchestra concert...should have some good times after that. And then Tuesday i went back to my high school and saw all my favorite teachers and friends who are seniors or younger. I spent two class periods in the orchestra room just watching rehearsal and helping people with their ensembles...and talking to Mr. Tombosky....man, i miss him a lot..even though he's disorganized and everyone's not always happy with him, he is one of my favorite teachers ever. he is just the most awesome director and good to talk to...the only teacher that's seen me cry i think. and then he asks me if i'm happy when i tell him about school, and i knew what he meant was.."are you happy majoring in chemical engineering instead of music" even though he didn't say it. and to be honest, yes i am happy doing what i am doing, but deep down i still don't know if i will end up being an orchestra teacher. i am definitely going to finish my chem.e. degree, but later on...who knows..i just know that i haven't shut the door on a career in music yet. the dilemma that i wrestled with my entire senior year is still with me. so, i don't know about that. but anyway, it was so good to go back. and then wednesday, i went to a concert in the El Paso Chamber Music Festival. saw some new pieces being premiered, written by a professor at juilliard, and i just loved it! and the artistic director of El Paso Pro-Musica, who sponsors the festival, is a cellist..he's new and he played one of the pieces - it just made me realize how much i truly love music and playing, even though i would give anything to be better. hmm, oh, i also went bowling over vacation with yolanda and ekta - i miss being with them in high school...but none of us are good at bowling so it was just hilarious! and we talked like we just saw each other yesterday..totally cool best friends. some other random good stuff: i got to sing with my church choir again while i'm here...that was really great because i have grown up with these people i mean, i have known most of the girls since i was like seven...it just felt so comforting to be singing with them again. and especially because this one family might move to kansas. they have eleven kids and six of the girls are in choir, so this might be the last time i see them. also, my uncle came into town for christmas..he is awesome and i love him so much...he was a math major so he went through the entire calculus II course with me to help me review..since i didn't do so well this fall. but this brings me to the bad stuff...because i didn't do so well, my parents think that i am too busy and i didn't work hard enough. i know that they are just worried because i am 1200 miles away from them, but its like geez, what do they expect? just because i pulled off straight A's every single semester since kindergarten thru twelfth grade does not mean i can do it at college. and i told my mom about my grades way back in october and she seemed okay, just as long as i did my best. but now i know she wasn't really...and i disappointed my parents. and i can't do that. i mean, i am okay with my grades not being a's but somewhere in the middle of the lecture my mom was giving me i started crying...i get so mad when i do that because i thought i was over not being the best..and i am, but not when confronted by my mom. i mean i love her a lot and i know she loves me, but she puts a lot of pressure on my shoulders sometimes. she hears a lot about kids who slack off and fool around at college from her teacher friends...so she worries that i'll get like that. so anyway, after my mom leaves, my uncle talked with me for a long time and he made me feel a lot better.. i am glad he was there. so the whole issue of my parents not trusting me to work at college has another bad side - they think i am too busy and they want me to quit some stuff. but they want me to quit some music stuff because that is what takes the most time. they want me to quit my quintet and then, i told them that the cello professor said i could be in the chamber orchestra as well if i wanted and i was so excited but my parents vetoed that as well. they even suggested that i quit symphony orchestra. well this totally upsets me because, for one, i love this stuff, for two, i don't think it takes too much time, and three, i am worried that if i start getting rid of music activities i might end up senior year saying, oh, i haven't played my cello since i was a freshman. because i know that a lot of people let the music get away from them - if you don't make time for it then it's easy to say you don't have the time. but i don't know what i would do if i couldn't play my cello...that's infinitely important to me. so anyway, i think i will quit my quintet and not join chamber orch., but just take lessons and be in the regular orch. because maybe i need to cut back, but i just hate the implications i'm getting at home that i haven't done what i should do towards schoolwork. I KNOW I DIDN'T GET GRADES THAT WERE VERY GOOD AND I KNOW I WAS BUSY THIS SEMESTER BUT I THINK I AM OBJECTIVE AND LEVEL-HEADED ENOUGH TO SAY THAT I HONESTLY THINK I DID ALL I COULD WITH REGARDS TO MY CLASSES AND I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE PICKING ME APART FOR NOT MEASURING UP TO THEIR EXPECTATIONS OF ME....STOP PUTTING ME ON THIS PEDESTAL AND CUT ME SOME SLACK, AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE TRUST ME ENOUGH TO DO THE RIGHT THING..I DON'T THINK TWO A'S TWO B'S AND TWO C'S IN ALL MATH AND SCIENCE CLASSES AT A TOP TEN SCHOOL IS THAT BAD...AND I WILL DO BETTER, NOT BECAUSE ANYONE MADE ME REALIZE THE "ERROR OF MY WAYS" (I DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY IN THIS CASE) BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO DO BETTER, AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO SAY ABOUT IT!!!!
whew, i just had to get that out because i can't say it to the people that it's directed to..anyway, feel free to offer me advice, respond about absolutely nothing, tell me to put a sock in it, etc.