snap back to reality (oh, there goes rabbit...)
oh no oh no oh no oh no
oh no.
alright, so, (without caps) here i am again, trying to figure it all out. i don't want to pretend i have it all together and i certainly know i don't. today i feel far worse than i have in the past month or so and it may be a cumulative feeling.
the sickness is getting my morale down. i'm still sick because i want to do so much and i can't focus on anything because i'm sick. it's not that i don't want to get well, it's that i haven't had the patience to really do it properly. and i actually can't afford it right now. like...at all. i'm just so worried that if i dedicate another two days to actually recovering i'll fall behind so much more than i have since last friday. (not this past friday, i mean the one that i woke up sick and worked through the weekend and then had fits all week until i finally got to a clinic.) i mean, i guess it hasn't been as long as i thought, but if i let it go on much longer, it will be.
so, that's one: i'm sick and haven't been treating my body right.
next on the complaint list is the actual shit i have to get done. i'm lost on my resume, just as confused with my cover letter, want to submit my appeal and all i can do is play sudoku. and wonder how to write songs. i'm in the worst fog and depression i've ever been in...well, since high school...but i think even then, i was producing some kind of art(....i think?) life minus convenience helps, but this makes me feel worse sometimes. i wonder if i need to be feeling worse or feeling sorry for myself. (who am i kidding, i know it's the former.) but it's a solace i can't afford to look for. that make any sense.
it seems that all this is making me very serious. CORRECTION: i though i could take it easy, but all of this is actually more of a stress and is making me take everything seriously. i'm stuck feeling insecure and questioning every action of my friends. i can't take a joke. it's disgusting! i end up wondering almost every second i'm talking with anyone, "do they hate me for this? do i get on their nerves?" and that hasn't been a concern of mine for a long time. i just got back from anastasia's where i was with her, hayley and kyle and the whole situation was, while entertaining and fun, very grating and hard to swallow. plus i knew i had to get back here to do stuff before sleep, but still. i kept thinking, "wow, do they really think i'm a bitch?" and it's not like they're new friends or something, i've known stasia and hayley for years and kyle and i are pretty close friends.
i don't want people to know i'm going back to school. or that i'm even trying to. i'm worried that i'll get feedback. or worse, that i won't. i don't want to tell people where i'm going to be working. i don't want to tell people what i'll be doing. for some reason, i just want to keep my life very private right now (irony??) and i think it's because when i let people know my business, they get all involved in ways that don't even matter at all. i've been very open about my life and my choices in the past, and i feel like i deserve to keep some of it closed off, at least for a little while. i don't want to be on facebook every day, i don't want to text people 24/7, i don't want to keep making all the bad decisions that fucked me over in the first place. i need a personal curfew, personal restrictions on the internet, prioritized phone usage. but if i were to do any of that, it would corner me. i know that it needs to be an unsaid, mentally-tracked process. there are things that just need to be done that way. endless lists don't really help unless it's a reorganization of those thoughts, but even then, you don't use the list as a directory, you just use it for visualization.
i guess this means that i also want to stop spending so much time with people in general. it has nothing to do with anyone personally, just that i need to really work and build on me. it's going to be tough and lonely at points, but i'll work through it. i also know that i can't cut off everyone entirely, i'm too social for that. i'll die if i don't see the people i care about at least twice a month (those two times better be seriously extended periods of time. like a full day each or something.) or at least that's how i feel. i mean, if i were forced to, i think i could survive on my own for a full two months by myself, but beyond that i'd have to never return to society again.
anyway, i have dishes to do and then i have to get to sleep.
mom and i have come to an agreement that until i am employed (and even when i am) i should wake up in the morning with the rest of the world to accomplish something. i call it, "the return to the high school schedule"
tonight i went through a relapse of my recent bad behavior. i have to keep myself in check a little, i think.
-sigh- being a "good girl" is annoying.
-maggie
oh no.
alright, so, (without caps) here i am again, trying to figure it all out. i don't want to pretend i have it all together and i certainly know i don't. today i feel far worse than i have in the past month or so and it may be a cumulative feeling.
the sickness is getting my morale down. i'm still sick because i want to do so much and i can't focus on anything because i'm sick. it's not that i don't want to get well, it's that i haven't had the patience to really do it properly. and i actually can't afford it right now. like...at all. i'm just so worried that if i dedicate another two days to actually recovering i'll fall behind so much more than i have since last friday. (not this past friday, i mean the one that i woke up sick and worked through the weekend and then had fits all week until i finally got to a clinic.) i mean, i guess it hasn't been as long as i thought, but if i let it go on much longer, it will be.
so, that's one: i'm sick and haven't been treating my body right.
next on the complaint list is the actual shit i have to get done. i'm lost on my resume, just as confused with my cover letter, want to submit my appeal and all i can do is play sudoku. and wonder how to write songs. i'm in the worst fog and depression i've ever been in...well, since high school...but i think even then, i was producing some kind of art(....i think?) life minus convenience helps, but this makes me feel worse sometimes. i wonder if i need to be feeling worse or feeling sorry for myself. (who am i kidding, i know it's the former.) but it's a solace i can't afford to look for. that make any sense.
it seems that all this is making me very serious. CORRECTION: i though i could take it easy, but all of this is actually more of a stress and is making me take everything seriously. i'm stuck feeling insecure and questioning every action of my friends. i can't take a joke. it's disgusting! i end up wondering almost every second i'm talking with anyone, "do they hate me for this? do i get on their nerves?" and that hasn't been a concern of mine for a long time. i just got back from anastasia's where i was with her, hayley and kyle and the whole situation was, while entertaining and fun, very grating and hard to swallow. plus i knew i had to get back here to do stuff before sleep, but still. i kept thinking, "wow, do they really think i'm a bitch?" and it's not like they're new friends or something, i've known stasia and hayley for years and kyle and i are pretty close friends.
i don't want people to know i'm going back to school. or that i'm even trying to. i'm worried that i'll get feedback. or worse, that i won't. i don't want to tell people where i'm going to be working. i don't want to tell people what i'll be doing. for some reason, i just want to keep my life very private right now (irony??) and i think it's because when i let people know my business, they get all involved in ways that don't even matter at all. i've been very open about my life and my choices in the past, and i feel like i deserve to keep some of it closed off, at least for a little while. i don't want to be on facebook every day, i don't want to text people 24/7, i don't want to keep making all the bad decisions that fucked me over in the first place. i need a personal curfew, personal restrictions on the internet, prioritized phone usage. but if i were to do any of that, it would corner me. i know that it needs to be an unsaid, mentally-tracked process. there are things that just need to be done that way. endless lists don't really help unless it's a reorganization of those thoughts, but even then, you don't use the list as a directory, you just use it for visualization.
i guess this means that i also want to stop spending so much time with people in general. it has nothing to do with anyone personally, just that i need to really work and build on me. it's going to be tough and lonely at points, but i'll work through it. i also know that i can't cut off everyone entirely, i'm too social for that. i'll die if i don't see the people i care about at least twice a month (those two times better be seriously extended periods of time. like a full day each or something.) or at least that's how i feel. i mean, if i were forced to, i think i could survive on my own for a full two months by myself, but beyond that i'd have to never return to society again.
anyway, i have dishes to do and then i have to get to sleep.
mom and i have come to an agreement that until i am employed (and even when i am) i should wake up in the morning with the rest of the world to accomplish something. i call it, "the return to the high school schedule"
tonight i went through a relapse of my recent bad behavior. i have to keep myself in check a little, i think.
-sigh- being a "good girl" is annoying.
-maggie