Valentines day- exquisite torture
Hmmm, well as predicted Valentines day was living hell....
although i had a brief period of thinkng it might work out again with the cricketer after we had talked and talked... over the weekend, came to realise that nothing had changed and he still didn't want to be in a full relationship... and i do....
so monday talked to him and told him would have to end things... again... i wanted to be part of his life...and for him to be part of mine... to have someone to chat to about our day... in short an adult supportive relationship, but one that involved being madly, deeply in love... but rapidly realised it was the same story... he wanted to continue his bachelor lifestyle and just fit me in when he felt like it...he certainly didn't crave my company.
i realised that i would never be happy with that... i'm a pretty passionate person when i love and wanted all or nothing love... not half someone's heart and even less of their attention... a big change from when we first got together... am currently deriving great comfort from the song- 'dry your eyes' by the streets... a song devoted to being strong enough to turn away from an ex who doesn't want you
So it's hard, so very very hard to end something when you do actually love and want to be with them... and my will power just isn't that strong... so did the sex with the ex thing out of a need for comfort on tuesday... (yeah i know... i'm incorrigible...and weak... but it dulled the pain for a little while)... but i wasn't fooling myself... i knew as i was doing it that it didn't change anything and it was still over... not cause i wanted it to be, but because he didn't NOT want it to be... he has done nothing, absolutely nothing to save things...the rejection of someone not wanting to be in a relationship with you...not handling that so well...
so wednesday, valentine's day... D- Day... day of living hell... knew it would be a bad one...possibly the worst one ever, as in the past whether with someone or not have not really felt such an impact on the day. I got up... had a tiny sniffle... went to work and got stuck in and was holding it together, till idiot cricketer sent me some cynical txt wishing me happy valentines/male guilt day... Fuck!!! i saw RED!!!! the reason why i couldn't stick it with him in a casual relationship is that i loved him... i wanted the intense passion, the magic, the romance... but he couldn't give it to me... then on the very day devoted to these things, he sends me that!!!! fucker! salt in wounds... it felt very cruel...
so yesterday was a day of living hell. I was feeling very vulnerable having just broken up with someone because they didn't love or want me enough... then having to live through a day devoted to love and passion... a whole day!!! devoted to the precise thing that i acutely feel is missing from my life... what exquisite and cruel pain! regardless of the banality of the holiday, i still want the magic, i want the romance, i want the passion and the obsession of being in love with someone who loves me back! I want it in my life! i want it every day! or at least occassionally! and boy is it hard to handle when you are reminded all day of other people who have that!!! other people receiving flowers, carrying them home on the bus, having picnics in the park, and a txt from the ex making a mockery of the concept!!! gods, if he had learnt even one thing about me it should have been that romanticism is a big part of me... i deeply believe in grand but useless gestures, in symbols and magic, in the importance of living life as it SHOULD be, and not how it really is, and in giving way to intense feelings... i'm a true romantic, not a soppy romantic, an intense passionate true romantic in the original sense of the word!!!
so bad day...i'm going to indulge my emotions tonight and cry myself to sleep...
although i had a brief period of thinkng it might work out again with the cricketer after we had talked and talked... over the weekend, came to realise that nothing had changed and he still didn't want to be in a full relationship... and i do....
so monday talked to him and told him would have to end things... again... i wanted to be part of his life...and for him to be part of mine... to have someone to chat to about our day... in short an adult supportive relationship, but one that involved being madly, deeply in love... but rapidly realised it was the same story... he wanted to continue his bachelor lifestyle and just fit me in when he felt like it...he certainly didn't crave my company.
i realised that i would never be happy with that... i'm a pretty passionate person when i love and wanted all or nothing love... not half someone's heart and even less of their attention... a big change from when we first got together... am currently deriving great comfort from the song- 'dry your eyes' by the streets... a song devoted to being strong enough to turn away from an ex who doesn't want you
So it's hard, so very very hard to end something when you do actually love and want to be with them... and my will power just isn't that strong... so did the sex with the ex thing out of a need for comfort on tuesday... (yeah i know... i'm incorrigible...and weak... but it dulled the pain for a little while)... but i wasn't fooling myself... i knew as i was doing it that it didn't change anything and it was still over... not cause i wanted it to be, but because he didn't NOT want it to be... he has done nothing, absolutely nothing to save things...the rejection of someone not wanting to be in a relationship with you...not handling that so well...
so wednesday, valentine's day... D- Day... day of living hell... knew it would be a bad one...possibly the worst one ever, as in the past whether with someone or not have not really felt such an impact on the day. I got up... had a tiny sniffle... went to work and got stuck in and was holding it together, till idiot cricketer sent me some cynical txt wishing me happy valentines/male guilt day... Fuck!!! i saw RED!!!! the reason why i couldn't stick it with him in a casual relationship is that i loved him... i wanted the intense passion, the magic, the romance... but he couldn't give it to me... then on the very day devoted to these things, he sends me that!!!! fucker! salt in wounds... it felt very cruel...
so yesterday was a day of living hell. I was feeling very vulnerable having just broken up with someone because they didn't love or want me enough... then having to live through a day devoted to love and passion... a whole day!!! devoted to the precise thing that i acutely feel is missing from my life... what exquisite and cruel pain! regardless of the banality of the holiday, i still want the magic, i want the romance, i want the passion and the obsession of being in love with someone who loves me back! I want it in my life! i want it every day! or at least occassionally! and boy is it hard to handle when you are reminded all day of other people who have that!!! other people receiving flowers, carrying them home on the bus, having picnics in the park, and a txt from the ex making a mockery of the concept!!! gods, if he had learnt even one thing about me it should have been that romanticism is a big part of me... i deeply believe in grand but useless gestures, in symbols and magic, in the importance of living life as it SHOULD be, and not how it really is, and in giving way to intense feelings... i'm a true romantic, not a soppy romantic, an intense passionate true romantic in the original sense of the word!!!
so bad day...i'm going to indulge my emotions tonight and cry myself to sleep...