End of 2016 - 2017
After Christmas in 2016, I went up to MC with my boys to visit my parents and other family. While we were there, we found out my Gram's cancer was back. And everywhere. And she would not live much longer. When I got home I immediately fell into Darrell's arms and sobbed. For the first time I can remember, I wasn't looking forward to the coming year. Other things had been happening for me that messed a good deal with my emotional health and this blow sent me even further away from where I wanted to be. "This year I will have to say goodbye to my grandma." We spent New Year's Eve with some family friends, but I couldn't shake my cloudy mood at all. I had no desire to fill out the survey about the year 2016.
I contacted my NP and made an appointment to talk about my mental health. She was thorough and sympathetic and caring. She wrote me a prescription for Paxil. A couple weeks later we lowered the dose when I discovered that I couldn't have orgasms. The lower dose evened me out and I was able to function. I was able to go to work and take care of my family and spend time with my friends. I still wasn't the most plesant person to be around, but I could function, have orgasms, and not be a complete zombie.
A couple weeks later my whole family went to visit my grandma. She was still the same as she'd always been and it was a wonderful visit. But in the back of my mind I wondered if it was the last time we'd see her. I was living with dread of the future and terror of what was going to happen. She was at peace. She had lived her life. She was ready. But I wasn't. I know that's selfish, but I wasn't ready. I don't think any of us were.
She held on and we visited her a couple more times. Her decline was rapid. She died on April 24th. Her children and one of her sisters were with her.
Here is part of her obituary:
"Vivian graduated from Springfield Twp. High School in 1947 as class president and valedictorian. She was employed as the private secretary to the General Manager of Publishers Continental Sales until she left to be a stay-at-home mom to her 8 children. She later rejoined the workforce working at Montgomery Wards Catalog Center until it closed, eventually retiring from her position as cashier at Hooks Drug. She enjoyed cooking, baking, reading, travel and watching Jeopardy. She visited all 50 states plus Canada and Mexico. She loved babies and was happiest when surrounded by family."
She had an amazing and full life. But it still stings.
Our lives went on and I did the best I could do deal with my grief. Eventually we had a funeral for her. The boys helped bury the container with her ashes in it next to my grandpa. It was very sad, but beautiful. I continued taking the Paxil because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.
At the end of June I received a facebook message from an old family friend saying that my biological father was in the hospital. She said he had cancer and wasn't likely to survive much longer. I thanked her for letting me know and told my brothers. None of us wanted to see him. He was an alcoholic, drug user, and abused all of us. I had cut off contact several years previous, but it still gave me anxiety to even think about seeing him. On July 2nd, he died. The same family friend let me know. I messaged the ex-wife of a first cousin to ask her to tell my uncle. I let my brothers know. I let my mom know. I felt... free. Like a huge wind had come through and blown away all my worries. I actually stopped taking Paxil at this point.
July continued on and I began to feel relief of my grief and see joy in things again, even without the Paxil.
Darrell's uncle had been in and out of the hospital for a long time, but seemed to be on an upswing. However, on August 20th, he collapsed at his father's house. The paramedics tried their best, but he died. Our house was, again, in mourning.
2017 was an incredibly long year full of grief. Sometimes people discuss if it's better to have warning or have it happen suddenly. Having experienced both in the same year: neither. They both suck. Having months to dread what's going to happen is rough. But we get to say goodbye. Sudden death is shocking and without the chance to say a final goodbye, but there is no constant fear of what you're going to hear when you pick up the ringing phone.
I was so completely relieved to put 2017 behind me. I was joyful to welcome 2018. And, my friends, it's been an amazing, amazing year!
I contacted my NP and made an appointment to talk about my mental health. She was thorough and sympathetic and caring. She wrote me a prescription for Paxil. A couple weeks later we lowered the dose when I discovered that I couldn't have orgasms. The lower dose evened me out and I was able to function. I was able to go to work and take care of my family and spend time with my friends. I still wasn't the most plesant person to be around, but I could function, have orgasms, and not be a complete zombie.
A couple weeks later my whole family went to visit my grandma. She was still the same as she'd always been and it was a wonderful visit. But in the back of my mind I wondered if it was the last time we'd see her. I was living with dread of the future and terror of what was going to happen. She was at peace. She had lived her life. She was ready. But I wasn't. I know that's selfish, but I wasn't ready. I don't think any of us were.
She held on and we visited her a couple more times. Her decline was rapid. She died on April 24th. Her children and one of her sisters were with her.
Here is part of her obituary:
"Vivian graduated from Springfield Twp. High School in 1947 as class president and valedictorian. She was employed as the private secretary to the General Manager of Publishers Continental Sales until she left to be a stay-at-home mom to her 8 children. She later rejoined the workforce working at Montgomery Wards Catalog Center until it closed, eventually retiring from her position as cashier at Hooks Drug. She enjoyed cooking, baking, reading, travel and watching Jeopardy. She visited all 50 states plus Canada and Mexico. She loved babies and was happiest when surrounded by family."
She had an amazing and full life. But it still stings.
Our lives went on and I did the best I could do deal with my grief. Eventually we had a funeral for her. The boys helped bury the container with her ashes in it next to my grandpa. It was very sad, but beautiful. I continued taking the Paxil because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.
At the end of June I received a facebook message from an old family friend saying that my biological father was in the hospital. She said he had cancer and wasn't likely to survive much longer. I thanked her for letting me know and told my brothers. None of us wanted to see him. He was an alcoholic, drug user, and abused all of us. I had cut off contact several years previous, but it still gave me anxiety to even think about seeing him. On July 2nd, he died. The same family friend let me know. I messaged the ex-wife of a first cousin to ask her to tell my uncle. I let my brothers know. I let my mom know. I felt... free. Like a huge wind had come through and blown away all my worries. I actually stopped taking Paxil at this point.
July continued on and I began to feel relief of my grief and see joy in things again, even without the Paxil.
Darrell's uncle had been in and out of the hospital for a long time, but seemed to be on an upswing. However, on August 20th, he collapsed at his father's house. The paramedics tried their best, but he died. Our house was, again, in mourning.
2017 was an incredibly long year full of grief. Sometimes people discuss if it's better to have warning or have it happen suddenly. Having experienced both in the same year: neither. They both suck. Having months to dread what's going to happen is rough. But we get to say goodbye. Sudden death is shocking and without the chance to say a final goodbye, but there is no constant fear of what you're going to hear when you pick up the ringing phone.
I was so completely relieved to put 2017 behind me. I was joyful to welcome 2018. And, my friends, it's been an amazing, amazing year!