reflections
wow. so my meds dont generally bug me after about eight, so i figured i would write this while not on an emotional rollercoaster.
2004. april-ish. I met the man that would, after incredible strain and difficulty; become my husband. it all started with those fateful words...
"are you a god?"
"sure."
i was so loyal back then. loyal to a man i had to talk myself into loving. he had a future, i knew what i had with him, even if i wasn't happy. i was so damned determined to not be that type of girl who would break up with someone just to date someone else.
So determined. and as a reward, i got an extra two years of a dead relationship. a relationship that started out normally enough, but became mentally abusive. absolute hell, all because i didnt want to be That girl.
Finally, christmas time. i thank Freyja for giving me the strength back then. and Jennifer. Jennifer had home problems too. she'd done what she needed to do to be happy. if she could, surely so could i. the lie slid from my lips. he was planning on coming back soon, i'd just stay up for a little while, just to visit with my family. i missed them so much.
Once he was back in california, i told him i was staying. i was terrified, like that scene in indiana jones where he has to step out into the chasm. there might be something there to save my fall, there might not, and i might plummet to my death.
well, not to my death, but look where i was? back at home with my grandparents, no job, no car. i may has well have been seventeen again, fresh from Mississippi.
we spent so much time on the phone those first couple days. John and I. at first, my grandma didn't want me to see ANY males. not even Shanie Poo, who's just like a brother.
he admitted to me later that at first he didnt believe i was really back. after all, i'd said i was back days before, but still didn't see him.
finally, our first date. of course, i wrote all about it on lj. but a dreamy first date doesnt make for a solid relationship. what if things didn't work out?
well, they did. years later, we stood before our friends and family, and were made mr and mrs Tanya Hanover John Berengue. ;-) thank you Carson.
i'm so glad that i took that leap into emptiness. if i hadn't, i know where i would be now. i would probably still be living with that asshole, being acused of cheating with every man i met, and probably by now, women too. trying to live a lie and be happy with it. whats that saying? you made your bed now lay in it? thrive where you're planted?
Sometimes you can't thrive where you're planted. a cactus can't thrive in alaska.
but now, where i'm planted, where i chose to be planted, is a place i can thrive. i'm a lucky girl. and thankful.
2004. april-ish. I met the man that would, after incredible strain and difficulty; become my husband. it all started with those fateful words...
"are you a god?"
"sure."
i was so loyal back then. loyal to a man i had to talk myself into loving. he had a future, i knew what i had with him, even if i wasn't happy. i was so damned determined to not be that type of girl who would break up with someone just to date someone else.
So determined. and as a reward, i got an extra two years of a dead relationship. a relationship that started out normally enough, but became mentally abusive. absolute hell, all because i didnt want to be That girl.
Finally, christmas time. i thank Freyja for giving me the strength back then. and Jennifer. Jennifer had home problems too. she'd done what she needed to do to be happy. if she could, surely so could i. the lie slid from my lips. he was planning on coming back soon, i'd just stay up for a little while, just to visit with my family. i missed them so much.
Once he was back in california, i told him i was staying. i was terrified, like that scene in indiana jones where he has to step out into the chasm. there might be something there to save my fall, there might not, and i might plummet to my death.
well, not to my death, but look where i was? back at home with my grandparents, no job, no car. i may has well have been seventeen again, fresh from Mississippi.
we spent so much time on the phone those first couple days. John and I. at first, my grandma didn't want me to see ANY males. not even Shanie Poo, who's just like a brother.
he admitted to me later that at first he didnt believe i was really back. after all, i'd said i was back days before, but still didn't see him.
finally, our first date. of course, i wrote all about it on lj. but a dreamy first date doesnt make for a solid relationship. what if things didn't work out?
well, they did. years later, we stood before our friends and family, and were made mr and mrs Tanya Hanover John Berengue. ;-) thank you Carson.
i'm so glad that i took that leap into emptiness. if i hadn't, i know where i would be now. i would probably still be living with that asshole, being acused of cheating with every man i met, and probably by now, women too. trying to live a lie and be happy with it. whats that saying? you made your bed now lay in it? thrive where you're planted?
Sometimes you can't thrive where you're planted. a cactus can't thrive in alaska.
but now, where i'm planted, where i chose to be planted, is a place i can thrive. i'm a lucky girl. and thankful.