a little calmer now....
the meds make it hard to be stable. one second i'm laughing, the next, crying. knowing this, i'm trying to keep myself stable. i keep reminding myself. i'm happy. beyond the medications, i'm happy. it isn't me thats crying, it's the meds. it helps me to stay calm and not freak out. but any time something that could make me upset happens, it's a lot harder to stay focused, but i can still think clearly, even with the fight or flight kicked in. i just have to force myself not to react. i hate meds like this. hate them hate them hate them. but thats what the doctors perscribed me. so thats what i have to deal with. so right now i'm on migrainal to abort the migraines (so far it hasnt helped, but i've only tried once) Keppra, an anti seizure to prevent, and Amitriptaline (sp?) an anti-depressant, to try and prevent as well. oh, and vicodin to kill the migraines that none of the other meds get rid of or prevent.
i really think the botox treatment will help. people talk crap about how chiros arent real doctors, but my chiro has done more for me than any of these crap doctors that just keep throwing the same medications at it. granted, the amiwhatever has been helping, but only a little. it makes me sleep all day. like, all day. when i finally wake up if i try to stay up for longer than an hour at a time i get a migraine. that apparently even the vicodin cant kill. fantastic. so i have the choice of sleep all day, or wake up to a migraine that i cant get rid of. oh and theres that whole freaking out and wanting to kill myself and everyone else, but thats just a SIDE EFFECT. nothing to be concerned with.
i have to keep reminding myself. i'm happy. i know i am. yeah theres the stress of money, but there's also the fact that we're married. we're MARRIED. i want to jump around in circles and scream until i cant talk because i'm so happy. i always hated being a girlfriend. it seemed so lame. one day you're together, the next you're broke up.
Fiancee was better. people could see we were serious about each other. but now, we're married. i'm no longer Tanya Hanover. i'm Tanya Berengue. it's so beautiful. what i wanted to say at the wedding in my vows, but i got too choked up and couldn't spit out the words, was that it felt like my whole life before john was just waiting until i met him. and that if i went the rest of my life and did nothing more than stand by his side, i will have lived the best life i could've ever imagined. i am so incredibly happy that now i'm not just a girlfriend, i'm his wife. we're in this together for the rest of our lives. yeah, i know, divorce exists. but i dont think it'll happen for us. i can honestly say that i have never felt so calm, so peaceful, so excited and happy about a decision as the decision to become his wife. a single lifetime doesnt seem enough.i want to spend every second of a million lifetimes with him.
See? i am happy. it's these dumb medications that make me sad or upset. well, the meds, and a dumb brother who has the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.
i really think the botox treatment will help. people talk crap about how chiros arent real doctors, but my chiro has done more for me than any of these crap doctors that just keep throwing the same medications at it. granted, the amiwhatever has been helping, but only a little. it makes me sleep all day. like, all day. when i finally wake up if i try to stay up for longer than an hour at a time i get a migraine. that apparently even the vicodin cant kill. fantastic. so i have the choice of sleep all day, or wake up to a migraine that i cant get rid of. oh and theres that whole freaking out and wanting to kill myself and everyone else, but thats just a SIDE EFFECT. nothing to be concerned with.
i have to keep reminding myself. i'm happy. i know i am. yeah theres the stress of money, but there's also the fact that we're married. we're MARRIED. i want to jump around in circles and scream until i cant talk because i'm so happy. i always hated being a girlfriend. it seemed so lame. one day you're together, the next you're broke up.
Fiancee was better. people could see we were serious about each other. but now, we're married. i'm no longer Tanya Hanover. i'm Tanya Berengue. it's so beautiful. what i wanted to say at the wedding in my vows, but i got too choked up and couldn't spit out the words, was that it felt like my whole life before john was just waiting until i met him. and that if i went the rest of my life and did nothing more than stand by his side, i will have lived the best life i could've ever imagined. i am so incredibly happy that now i'm not just a girlfriend, i'm his wife. we're in this together for the rest of our lives. yeah, i know, divorce exists. but i dont think it'll happen for us. i can honestly say that i have never felt so calm, so peaceful, so excited and happy about a decision as the decision to become his wife. a single lifetime doesnt seem enough.i want to spend every second of a million lifetimes with him.
See? i am happy. it's these dumb medications that make me sad or upset. well, the meds, and a dumb brother who has the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.