Schools of Fish
I had a day off, today.
It would have been blessedly nice to sleep in, except for the fact that my current sleeping schedule has me waking up every morning at or before eight o'clock am. Today was no different, save for the fact that my mother attempted to rouse me at four am, first. Luckily, the night before, I had passed out earlier than usual but I've been sick. So, the sleep only managed to even itself out and I got up feeling exhausted only to be visited by the Red Pest. Now, many females out there may be going: "why is she even bringing this up? That happens every month; she should be used to it by now." Unfortunately for me, it's NOT a monthly occurrence. Rather, I've inherited the bizarre hormonal patterns seen in my mother and therefore, it's sporadic and excruciating. I seriously woke up feeling like I was about to have an alien punch through the squishy layers of my flesh and come out chewing on one of my ovaries. Not a pleasant mental picture? Trust me; it was so much worse to experience.
I managed to survive the day by retaining a constant intake of fluids and painkillers. Every four hours I would take acetaminophen and every two I'd take IB prophen. It worked, mostly, but I chose to spend the morning rolling around in my bed groaning in pain like a child and reading manga to keep my mind off things. Pathetic, I know, but that's just the way things are, sometimes.
The really obnoxious part of my "visits" is that I get nauseous with the really bad ones and this was one of the worst. I spent far too much time revisiting my meals and it cut into all of my plans. I had intended to go hang out with Connor from work and then see Dennis to drop off his belated birthday cookies, but neither happened. Rather, I stopped by my sister's store to do her a couple of favors, then bought myself a pile of candy and turned into a vegetable for a few hours while watching the pre-release of Employee of the Month. It was a decently entertaining movie, and Dane cook is hilarious.
Well, enough of me recapping my luxuriously boring day. Getting to the point, like meditation, doing nothing gives you thinking time. So today I pondered my current position in life, my family, my friends, all sorts of stuff.
As most of you already know, I'm working at the Greenwood movie theater. It's a way to get some spending cash and it has its perks, but I definitely don't want it getting in the way of school. When you cut away all the fluff, it’s my goal in life to become a surgeon, make money, save money, open my own business so that I have a steady flow of cash without the necessity for hours of labor (like a restaurant or bakery), and be a mother. There, I said it. If I could have my way I’d work a ton, make the money I needed and then just focus on being a mommy. I could always go back to work, but I see NOTHING wrong with a house mother, especially in the early years. In fact, I have a lot of respect for women who make that choice.
Not that I particularly believe all of this is going to happen. I definitely want to become a surgical doctor, though, and I recognize that the only way to do that is forget about all the frills and kisses and focus on performance, grades and internships.
This is why I’m sticking to my decision to stay at home with my family. Although I originally felt like it was a step in the wrong direction, I now see it as a step in the right. My family may not always be a steady emotional environment, but they do care about me a lot, more than I often have the appreciation for. They’re also allowing me to live here almost entirely free of rent. I exchange some freedoms, some time and some hours of labor for a place to sleep, food on the table and full academic financial support which is - let me assure you - SOOOOOO much better than the way it was going last semester, where I was forking over around a grand a month in just living expenses. It’s hard to pay for med school when you’re already in the red. Being at home gives me a chance to reorient myself and pay attention to my studies.
This is why I feel that, even though I regret the distance (emotionally or physically) my friends and I share, at present, I’ve decided to just back off and give it time. I know that’s not very…”me.” Normally, I just charge forward and worry about the relationships I have and make them the focus of my attentions causing heaps of drama in the process. For now, though, I can’t do it. I have to put all that on the backburner or I’ll get scorched for sure, irreparably. I still love and care about all my friends and I miss all of you terribly. I just recognize that I need to continue to be someone that deserves the love that’d given to me.
I suppose all of this is the reason that I’ve been so happy about the circumstances of the “complicated” relationship I’m in. Both of us love one another and both of us know that, but for the time being we’re at two different stages in life. I think that, by standing a little further apart, we’re still able to stand together and I no longer look at the fact that we’re different as a bad thing. He has his future to worry about, especially after graduation. I have to worry about even getting to graduation! It’s so wonderful and beautiful to have love and be in love, but it’s also wonderful not to make love all that you live for. I feel okay being apart and I feel like I’m still my own person.
I feel like I’m growing up, haha, but in good ways! =^.^=
Love and Kisses