all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i just went and read through all the posts on my private livejournal- from today's entry all the way back to the first in nov 2008. the space i started back then when it began to get so overwhelming and i began to struggle.
its amazing how much has happened. amazing how much people change.
and its also amazing how many people you can end up losing altogether.
i realise more and more that i dont know who you are anymore. or rather, i have no idea who you've become.
sometimes i wonder if i could have grown up differently, under different circumstances.
i wonder how much of a person is shaped by external circumstances.
lately, its been really getting to me how superficial everything is. how superficial relationships all seem to be right now. its all touch-and-go, its all hello-goodbye. the best-quality conversations i've been having have all been on msn. on the one hand while i am thankful for that wonderful technological innovation and thankful for the few awesome people who always keep me entertained, i still miss face-to-face heart-to-hearts (i suppose the closest i've come to those recently was last thursday's mugging session with the fg-sister. which was a very fruitful time- studying wise and good conversation and fellowship wise). and long phone conversations. which i havent had since the crescent days when i was always on the phone at random intervals with people like y and c. and i also miss long long long series of text messages. i used to be so attached to my phone, couldnt bear to be away from it at all; but these days, i cant be bothered anymore especially since now that there's no more lessons and no more school, there's no one i actually Need to contact.
honestly, i think i had a much more active social life when i was younger. now, its so much easier to just retreat into the hermit shell, so much easier to increase the levels of misanthropy and anti-sociality.
back then, it was easy to be naive, easy to believe in forever, easy to let yourself fall, easy to be Young.
now, you arent even Allowed to be a child anymore. growing up, growing distant, growing cynical, growing cold.
i hate how its always inevitable that there will be some degree of drifting apart the moment people part ways.
everyone just disappears into the 'too busy' pit hole. hell, even i myself do.
i guess at every stage, you'll still look back with regrets no matter what's happened.
you'll always wonder if it had been different had you made a different decision, a different choice.
and as for me, i always wonder if it'll ever be enough.
but perfectionist-idealist of an INFP that i am, nothing will ever be enough.
really, i need to learn to simply be content.
its amazing how much has happened. amazing how much people change.
and its also amazing how many people you can end up losing altogether.
i realise more and more that i dont know who you are anymore. or rather, i have no idea who you've become.
sometimes i wonder if i could have grown up differently, under different circumstances.
i wonder how much of a person is shaped by external circumstances.
lately, its been really getting to me how superficial everything is. how superficial relationships all seem to be right now. its all touch-and-go, its all hello-goodbye. the best-quality conversations i've been having have all been on msn. on the one hand while i am thankful for that wonderful technological innovation and thankful for the few awesome people who always keep me entertained, i still miss face-to-face heart-to-hearts (i suppose the closest i've come to those recently was last thursday's mugging session with the fg-sister. which was a very fruitful time- studying wise and good conversation and fellowship wise). and long phone conversations. which i havent had since the crescent days when i was always on the phone at random intervals with people like y and c. and i also miss long long long series of text messages. i used to be so attached to my phone, couldnt bear to be away from it at all; but these days, i cant be bothered anymore especially since now that there's no more lessons and no more school, there's no one i actually Need to contact.
honestly, i think i had a much more active social life when i was younger. now, its so much easier to just retreat into the hermit shell, so much easier to increase the levels of misanthropy and anti-sociality.
back then, it was easy to be naive, easy to believe in forever, easy to let yourself fall, easy to be Young.
now, you arent even Allowed to be a child anymore. growing up, growing distant, growing cynical, growing cold.
i hate how its always inevitable that there will be some degree of drifting apart the moment people part ways.
everyone just disappears into the 'too busy' pit hole. hell, even i myself do.
i guess at every stage, you'll still look back with regrets no matter what's happened.
you'll always wonder if it had been different had you made a different decision, a different choice.
and as for me, i always wonder if it'll ever be enough.
but perfectionist-idealist of an INFP that i am, nothing will ever be enough.
really, i need to learn to simply be content.