Riding In Cars with Boys
I just got back from seeing Drew Barrymore's new movie. Erica, Chuck and I went. It was very upsetting. I miss stan a lot right now. I can't help but relate the movie in part to him though. His drinking scares me so much sometimes. Yet I love him. He's so good to me, yet he can be the most horrible thing that ever happened to me. I'm so confused over this.
The movie ends with a kind of dreaming is bad theme. Stan says there's no fairytale. I don't ever want to beileve that. What if he is right though? What if I really am in the direction of a deadbeat and Stan is trying to rescue me? Why can't people survive on love alone?
Worse even, what if I am pregnant? What the hell do I do then? Stan keeps acting like our break up is a big joke. Like we are still together in someway- with no security whatsoever. He says if I have sex with somebody else, he'll never look back.
On top of all this, I've given myself Justin. I really think I love him. I don't think I know him at all. Yet, I think I know him better than anyone ever will. Sometimes things seem so right, but I think I am fooling myself in some twisted desire for Stan to love me. Justin can be a great though. My head hurts thinking about this.
Erica, Chuck, Justin and I all getting a house together sounds so good. I'm not over Stan though. I can't abandon him or this idea of everything we went through being pointless or wrong. More so, I can't stand the idea of never holding his hand again.
That song, 'Tears in Heaven' by Eric Clapton is driving me insane! putting the idea in my head "would you hold my hand . . .if I saw you in heaven" or "would it be the same". I want to hold is hand. I want him. I want him to love me. To look out for me, and want me.
"I must be strong and carry on" (???)
You have no idea how much this idea bothers me. I cut myself today for the first time in months. Flashbacks kept comming at me. All I could think about was sex. All of the sex people have. How people share their bodies, dipping them into each others for a brief moment of passion. And, what does it all mean?? Stan is so pure and so right. Now he thinks I'm dirty.
The movie ends with a kind of dreaming is bad theme. Stan says there's no fairytale. I don't ever want to beileve that. What if he is right though? What if I really am in the direction of a deadbeat and Stan is trying to rescue me? Why can't people survive on love alone?
Worse even, what if I am pregnant? What the hell do I do then? Stan keeps acting like our break up is a big joke. Like we are still together in someway- with no security whatsoever. He says if I have sex with somebody else, he'll never look back.
On top of all this, I've given myself Justin. I really think I love him. I don't think I know him at all. Yet, I think I know him better than anyone ever will. Sometimes things seem so right, but I think I am fooling myself in some twisted desire for Stan to love me. Justin can be a great though. My head hurts thinking about this.
Erica, Chuck, Justin and I all getting a house together sounds so good. I'm not over Stan though. I can't abandon him or this idea of everything we went through being pointless or wrong. More so, I can't stand the idea of never holding his hand again.
That song, 'Tears in Heaven' by Eric Clapton is driving me insane! putting the idea in my head "would you hold my hand . . .if I saw you in heaven" or "would it be the same". I want to hold is hand. I want him. I want him to love me. To look out for me, and want me.
"I must be strong and carry on" (???)
You have no idea how much this idea bothers me. I cut myself today for the first time in months. Flashbacks kept comming at me. All I could think about was sex. All of the sex people have. How people share their bodies, dipping them into each others for a brief moment of passion. And, what does it all mean?? Stan is so pure and so right. Now he thinks I'm dirty.