to whom it may conern
well i didnt call leena like i said i would or anyone else but i did pass my test luckily. so know i have to start taking classes and i still havent finished my swim paper work im falling behind but how can i complain? this is what i wanted i wanted to be busy and i cant and wont quit or half-ass it if when i do it. my sister is here still she is not what i remember or what i want her to be there is still comflict and grudges, memories heated discussions left unfinished and will remain that way. for what? peace of mind for the thought that all is well that nothing can touch or break what is there in the picture that we are as shallow and fake as the pictures make us seem only we have never been portayed as that we are apart from that need to be so perfect. we are as we are and i am not ashamed of my mistakes nor of that of my family. if you could live anywhere in the world where would you live? why? i have a thought that no one will answer that for no one reads what i write how simple i could bear my soul and no one would care to stop and read what i have to say what i feel and felt. a suicide note hidden among those who rant of there day of their over expressed and exagerated emotions that are only lies. those that talk of love and preach of peace and unity a note of reasons and of ansewers, questions and of course explanations shout outs to those they deem worthy to be written about when it is the last thing one will write before their fingers grow cold with death and the body stiffens the fuilds disperse onto the floor of which the hollow body know lies. how is it that they find so many as i have described dead alone with a confession of reasons broadcasted for all and any to access to view and criticize to watch and to think of there own miseries and there own opinions come to mind. were i to take what i hold so carelessly i would write to the internet to those that live upon technology and say this: for what you live as to what i have no joy no peace no life no death for what we send our sons and daughters out to there deaths for what we allow a man to overule our voices for society to take and procceed to rule over public that all obey without question. for what am i worth a mind a voice? i am told i will be heard yet when i speak i am ignored to the world i am nothing and no one for i do not exist nor do i live living is for those that can afford to pay the price afterwards and i am not one to do so too cautious i am too worrying of that what if's that i never lived at all. even as i write i do not live i merely am here. but what is here? is it death is it darkness of nothingenss i cannot decide i can only wish and see others as they soar with there own lives. too many years have passes and i have watched the living live as i further cast a protective shell over me to castaside of which i can no longer see nor believe. stories of santa claus have never fasinated my mind nor held any thought of his life. a myth a tale told to children to make them behave a trick of the world to scare the young to do as they are bide. i am no longer a child i am an adolesent waiting for death yet death has chosen to be fickle and cruel to take its time in claiming me as i should so long ago been taken so i claim my soul as i stand to myself and take what is mine. death is a path that few wish to take. so i shall willingly take it to suffice what has in my mind been lost lost to the world to there minds and souls. to those that call themselves my friends i knew you not for you are and i have never talked not really not close for anything to really matter at my death my funeral you will come and weep for me as will others but for what? i did not really know you nor your soul or character who am i to you? and what? a pest a another person to see and say hi everyday? nothing more, yet still they will come feeling guilty of a life passed, wasted so young. but i think not of this or the pain i shall cause to those that care without question i know will weep, weep with tears of sorrow and despair with anger and remorse of my decision my stupid choice someone will say she had so much going for her to waste it all on this to just let it all fall away. but what is worse one to live and watch all fall away or one to die in a quick fix a one time plight leaving no questions of what i would have done had i the chance to do so? so tell me now that you see me as i am that you have read my thoughts my memoirs is you will what am i know? a child lost in a cruel world she cannot understand? a fellow peer confused and lost never to be found again a child a daughter too weak to live for living was worse then death? have your opinions but remember they will not matter for i will be dead encased in the ground to rot and waste while my soul i do not know what is to come only that i pray and hope it will be better then what i have lived. do not feel sorry for me nor wish me back to life this is what i want for i am death and death has come to claim me as i am. it is mine to choose and make so make i shall in time and death. that is what i would write to those who would care to read to whom it would concern to those that have no life of to read and think that is it trully worth it to live as they do is it really worth all the pain the sufffering and killing of who you are to be what they want of you? is it? it was too much for me so i leave and i live away from this life but in another one without death to cause such fixation and worry. to be free, to live....................