in the end what are we but dead? or are me more then this?
my test for the written part of drivers ed is tomorrow at ten i think so i will call you leena at 1:00 am and tell you if i passed or not i will mostl likey have failed but i will call you anyways and feel really sad poor poor me how i am so sad and unhappy everything has gone to shibby i hate it when i feel like this and know i have my sister over for the weekend and shes no help only and annoyance and a bother i really hope i passed my chapter four math test if i didnt then im really screwed but what can i do. orchestra i have a test on tuesday i think im not sure exactually where it is but then its my fault i still have to fix the viola string and finish notes from chapter 25 in a.p euro and turn in my paper work for swim which starts on tuesday im really overwhelmed but its what i wanted to be busy and not to wasted time like i am know writing about my life im so selfish and self-centered because all i trully care about is myself and nothing else like nothing would matter anyways how nice is that it isnt its cruel and demeaning to those who trully suffer those that are dying by the second for lack of essentials that the body needs to survive. i am a pampered child who only takes and gives nothing back i am one of thousands that live in the suburbs of this town this city who all want the same thing and will stop at nothing to get it only im slightly different because i will go the the extremes. i will take what i want and not care for the one who suffers as i write this i know someone has just died could it be a simple child of three born into a world of poverty without hope of a better future relying on the aid of others to feed and cloth them there parents are dying from the exhaustion of trying to care for a family as well as themselves. these people have never seen a t.v or sat on a sofa they will never know the comforts i see and take for granted each day they will think of me as rich to there life there poor existence compared to them i am everything they could want yet it is not so. for i wish to be them to find what it is to look into the faces of those around me to those that come for the want the need to help and find hope in there eyes even though i myself have long lost my own. to have that i feel there pain and hunger i would give all i hold all i take. i think i will become a humanitarian and join the red cross in college, go off to some country in need of relief and be that person who no matter how little hope or chance of a better tomorrow look in there suffering eyes and hold the hope that is lost to them. i will be that person who will live foolishly and poorly no better then those i come to help and then i will catch a disease that is sweeping across that counrty and die only to be addedo onto the list of thousands who have already done so and are in the process as i speak. that is what i will do. my mother thinks im srupid for doing it but it doesnt matter its my life and if i choose to waste it to dedicate it on this then i will. for those that suffer to those who are born innocent in a world full of death and despair i wish to make what is dreary just a little less not for peace of mind in what i have done but for what it will mean to those that i come for. i know my cause is a dying one that many wish the same and the child i nurse tonight will only die tomorrow at least in the end i can say i was there and held his hand as his last breath was taken and his last thought was not of the death and the pain around him but of a calm serene feeling thought to make it o.k for his death his passing. let he that lived so ill to unlike me be more fufilled then mine will ever be. none of you who read this will ever understand any of what i say but at least i have said it and have made it plain of my intentions of my life of what i want to be when i am able to do as i please.