Reanimated, Once Again
C H A O S : D E S I G N E D ™
The Chronicles of Midnight:
The Life and Times of Seph
Subject: Reanimated, Once again.
Current Date: Monday, September, 25th, 2017
Current Mood: Introspective
Current Music N/A
Starting Time: 11:25 PM
Ending Time: 12:00 AM
(∑) Hello Journal, my old friend. It has been a while, hasn't it? 5 years they say. Oh what things have changed in 5 years. Almost 17 years ago around this very time of year, I remember starting my first online journal. It was a way for me to free myself from the burden of heavy thoughts from the day. Over the years I began to learn myself more from my journal, delving deep into the parts of my personality that made me.. well, me. A journal is a way to keep a window into your thoughts at a certain point in your life. Being able to read these journals takes me back like a portal through time showing me who I am, and allowing me to reflect on who I was. So now here I am, same ol Seph, age 30. I dive back in ready to see who I have become, I officially declare this Livejournal, R-E-A-N-I-M-A-T-E-D. (∑)
Ahem. Give me some time as I get used to this stream of consciousness thing, it has been a while. Since I was young, I've always been an over-thinker, always questioning the world around me, looking for the best way to do anything, the most efficient way to do a task requiring the least amount of effort. I spend my days and nights thinking about many things, I think about people and the way the world works, I think about myself and my place in the world. I think about my role in families lives, in my social life, my work life. I'm always thinking deeply on some subject matter, breaking apart, analyzing, putting it all together, collecting data. My journal was always a good way to focus all that into a steam of thought, a flow, a purpose. It seems these days that's what I lack the most... a purpose.
Even though I'm writing this mostly for myself, I do imagine from time to time I might let a trusted friend read it or even a stranger might stumble upon it. I guess I don't mind an audience to my thoughts, I won't be putting anything to personal in here, but these are my thoughts and feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, worries, rants. Suck it up, its the internet, if I offend you suck a dick.
So, 2017 huh? Never thought I'd be thinking about this year back in 2012. It was just too far in the future to give a shit about. But here I am, I find myself looking back through time wondering where I will be 5 years from today. Who am I now? Obviously, if you know me, you know my name is Joseph, or Seph, as I prefer to be called. I'm 30 now, I didn't see that happening. I honestly thought I would get superpowers and stop aging once I turned 22, I'm pretty sure I wrote about it sometime ago. But the older I get I sadly realize that all the magical, hopeful, lucky shit that I hoped would happen to me over my life didn't happen. The soul-crushing reality that nothing in life is free, and nothing magical, or special ever happens eventually set in and now I am where I am now. It's not too bad, I've lead a pretty dope life, getting by on the skin of my teeth, and seeing the world, meeting interesting women and taking excellent drugs. I've made some amazingly wonderful friends along the way, friends I thought I would never lose or drift apart from, that I eventually did lose and drift apart from. The memories of the good times we shared, and the fondness that I hold for them in my heart will never fade, even if our friendships did. Especially when it comes to those people from the magical time in my past, The Realm. I'll never forget those assholes, even if they don't talk to me anymore. Power crazed sociopath. Pft. Whatever. Ahem. Anyway. (#Footnote1. A story for another time)
I live in Portland, OR. If you don't know where that is, it's on the Upper-West coast of United States of America. It's a small ass city of about 4 million people, that feels like 100,000. The city is psudo progressive, psudo intellectual, and psudo avant garde, the only gunuine thing about Portland is it's peoples general naïveté about how bone-crushingly average this place is. I moved here from Los Angeles about 2 years and some change ago, in order to flee from depression, financial disparity, and the pain of being in love with someone who you clearly don't derseve. (We'll come back to that. #footnote2) While I can't say I like the city, it is pretty sometimes. Especially on a clear sky, warm sunny day all the trees and green really makes you feel in nature. You can take a walk through a park that feels like a forest. They dont have any tall buildings and stuff so you get a pretty natural skyline with a giant mountain in the background which is pretty nice. Aside from being painfully stagnant culturally, or disverity wise (As compared to Los Angeles, Tokyo, Brisbane, Miami or any other major city) the bread and butter of portland people is "Being weird" which means basically means all having the exact same trends. Most people here reguardless of race or ethnicity tend to dress, act, and be interested in the same things as the general demographic in which they represent.
There are a good bunch of people here who are not the cookie cutter typical Portlander, but they're few and far between and often being worshiped by other Portlanders for being so cool and trendy, (by not being "cool and trendy" as according to PDX standards, ironic.) As much as I like to trash on this place because there is so much to trash on about this place, I have made my home here for the last two years. Maybe its through the lack of efforts on my part that I have not met the people who are worth meeting here, maybe I've set my standards too low and haven't really taken to the city like I should. I feel like I have been spending too much time trying to gain some imaginary foothold before I set off on these task, watching the days fall away to nothing like leaves on a tree in autumn. I also feel I have been too focused on finding that perfect person for me, too focused on trying to be in a relationship that I never really took the time to focus on what kind of person I want to be, what kind of person I am. With the end of my relationship with Miranda, I think I need to spend more time focusing on myself and improving myself before I can even broach the idea of being with someone else.
I know there's so much to catch my journal up on, it's been 5 years and a bit of stuff happened in those 5 years that I'll have to condense down to an entry or two. what happened to Avery? (See 2012), The Homeless Chapters, Portland Bound, Jake and Crystal, Miranda and Sprocket, Starbucks and the Airport, Savage Cat Entertainment! Don't worry, I'll get to all of it in due time.
For now, this will due. I'm back bitches and I'm sharing my mind and I don't give a F#$%!
The Chronicles of Midnight:
The Life and Times of Seph
Subject: Reanimated, Once again.
Current Date: Monday, September, 25th, 2017
Current Mood: Introspective
Current Music N/A
Starting Time: 11:25 PM
Ending Time: 12:00 AM
(∑) Hello Journal, my old friend. It has been a while, hasn't it? 5 years they say. Oh what things have changed in 5 years. Almost 17 years ago around this very time of year, I remember starting my first online journal. It was a way for me to free myself from the burden of heavy thoughts from the day. Over the years I began to learn myself more from my journal, delving deep into the parts of my personality that made me.. well, me. A journal is a way to keep a window into your thoughts at a certain point in your life. Being able to read these journals takes me back like a portal through time showing me who I am, and allowing me to reflect on who I was. So now here I am, same ol Seph, age 30. I dive back in ready to see who I have become, I officially declare this Livejournal, R-E-A-N-I-M-A-T-E-D. (∑)
Ahem. Give me some time as I get used to this stream of consciousness thing, it has been a while. Since I was young, I've always been an over-thinker, always questioning the world around me, looking for the best way to do anything, the most efficient way to do a task requiring the least amount of effort. I spend my days and nights thinking about many things, I think about people and the way the world works, I think about myself and my place in the world. I think about my role in families lives, in my social life, my work life. I'm always thinking deeply on some subject matter, breaking apart, analyzing, putting it all together, collecting data. My journal was always a good way to focus all that into a steam of thought, a flow, a purpose. It seems these days that's what I lack the most... a purpose.
Even though I'm writing this mostly for myself, I do imagine from time to time I might let a trusted friend read it or even a stranger might stumble upon it. I guess I don't mind an audience to my thoughts, I won't be putting anything to personal in here, but these are my thoughts and feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, worries, rants. Suck it up, its the internet, if I offend you suck a dick.
So, 2017 huh? Never thought I'd be thinking about this year back in 2012. It was just too far in the future to give a shit about. But here I am, I find myself looking back through time wondering where I will be 5 years from today. Who am I now? Obviously, if you know me, you know my name is Joseph, or Seph, as I prefer to be called. I'm 30 now, I didn't see that happening. I honestly thought I would get superpowers and stop aging once I turned 22, I'm pretty sure I wrote about it sometime ago. But the older I get I sadly realize that all the magical, hopeful, lucky shit that I hoped would happen to me over my life didn't happen. The soul-crushing reality that nothing in life is free, and nothing magical, or special ever happens eventually set in and now I am where I am now. It's not too bad, I've lead a pretty dope life, getting by on the skin of my teeth, and seeing the world, meeting interesting women and taking excellent drugs. I've made some amazingly wonderful friends along the way, friends I thought I would never lose or drift apart from, that I eventually did lose and drift apart from. The memories of the good times we shared, and the fondness that I hold for them in my heart will never fade, even if our friendships did. Especially when it comes to those people from the magical time in my past, The Realm. I'll never forget those assholes, even if they don't talk to me anymore. Power crazed sociopath. Pft. Whatever. Ahem. Anyway. (#Footnote1. A story for another time)
I live in Portland, OR. If you don't know where that is, it's on the Upper-West coast of United States of America. It's a small ass city of about 4 million people, that feels like 100,000. The city is psudo progressive, psudo intellectual, and psudo avant garde, the only gunuine thing about Portland is it's peoples general naïveté about how bone-crushingly average this place is. I moved here from Los Angeles about 2 years and some change ago, in order to flee from depression, financial disparity, and the pain of being in love with someone who you clearly don't derseve. (We'll come back to that. #footnote2) While I can't say I like the city, it is pretty sometimes. Especially on a clear sky, warm sunny day all the trees and green really makes you feel in nature. You can take a walk through a park that feels like a forest. They dont have any tall buildings and stuff so you get a pretty natural skyline with a giant mountain in the background which is pretty nice. Aside from being painfully stagnant culturally, or disverity wise (As compared to Los Angeles, Tokyo, Brisbane, Miami or any other major city) the bread and butter of portland people is "Being weird" which means basically means all having the exact same trends. Most people here reguardless of race or ethnicity tend to dress, act, and be interested in the same things as the general demographic in which they represent.
There are a good bunch of people here who are not the cookie cutter typical Portlander, but they're few and far between and often being worshiped by other Portlanders for being so cool and trendy, (by not being "cool and trendy" as according to PDX standards, ironic.) As much as I like to trash on this place because there is so much to trash on about this place, I have made my home here for the last two years. Maybe its through the lack of efforts on my part that I have not met the people who are worth meeting here, maybe I've set my standards too low and haven't really taken to the city like I should. I feel like I have been spending too much time trying to gain some imaginary foothold before I set off on these task, watching the days fall away to nothing like leaves on a tree in autumn. I also feel I have been too focused on finding that perfect person for me, too focused on trying to be in a relationship that I never really took the time to focus on what kind of person I want to be, what kind of person I am. With the end of my relationship with Miranda, I think I need to spend more time focusing on myself and improving myself before I can even broach the idea of being with someone else.
I know there's so much to catch my journal up on, it's been 5 years and a bit of stuff happened in those 5 years that I'll have to condense down to an entry or two. what happened to Avery? (See 2012), The Homeless Chapters, Portland Bound, Jake and Crystal, Miranda and Sprocket, Starbucks and the Airport, Savage Cat Entertainment! Don't worry, I'll get to all of it in due time.
For now, this will due. I'm back bitches and I'm sharing my mind and I don't give a F#$%!