You always keep me guessing, forever my wonder;
C H A O S : D E S I G N E D ™
Theories in Chaos:
Life and Time of Seph
Subject: You always keep me guessing, forever my wonder;
Current Date: Saturday, December 1st, 2012
Current Mood: Concemplative
Current Music Benny Benassi Feat. Skrillex - Cinema
Starting Time: 5:21 PM
Ending Time: 8:15 PM
(∑) It hurts to be a slave to ones emotions. The culmination of the past and present lumped into one cluster fuck of emotional stress and wonder. Its the mystery that traps us in to these thought patterns. You wonder about them, you wonder how they feel, what they are doing, what could be going through their mind. If they hurt as much as you do or are you the only one who feels like this. The truth is you will never know and its much harder to let go of the curiosity than it is to accept the answers that will come with it. All you can do is hope to move past the questions and the wonder. Put it behind you and let it die.. no good things come from dwelling in the past. If you stay there too long you could ruin the future.. hurt those around you now. I wish you'd just get over it. As they say, curiosity killed the cat, and you're running out of lives. (∑)
Its been a while since I updated. I've been meaning to give it a go and update you on where I have been and what has been going on with Avery and I. Work has kept me tied up most of this week, barely escaped Black Friday with my head about my shoulders. Working back to back 6 am shifts takes its toll on you as well after a few days. I've had trouble sleeping the past few days, its definitely been a long week. I thought I could use the time we decided to spend apart to sort out my thoughts but I have never really been good at thinking things through on my own. Especially when it comes to how I feel about someone, or something. Nonetheless.. a lot has happened since we last spoke, so I'll give you the run down and take us back to where we are now.
We started hanging out a lot after I last updated, so much so that I cant really keep track of all the things we went and did. We mostly started just driving around, hanging out at her place at lot as well. We go over to her house, watch movies, lay in bed and just smoke and talk. We talk about our past and our present our feelings on weird things, normal things, plans and random conversations. We went out driving on Nov 17th and ended up at the PCH, we found a nice spot on the rocks, and sat down and looked out over the ocean talking about the eventuality of Godzilla or other weird occurrences. Cuddled up in a blanket just enjoying the sounds of the ocean crashing against the rocks below us, until it started to get pretty late so we decided to head back to her place. On the way back I navigated us to the 24 Hour Sprinkles Cupcake machine. We stopped and got a Red Velvet cake and I managed to get a picture with her which is more of a challenge than you'd think. Actually, now that I think about it I cant remember what happened at the end of that night. If I went back home or if I went to her place. I guess it doesn't really matter.. I feel like things have gotten pretty serious between us. We act like a couple, do couple things, are close like a couple yet she's so haunted by her past that she just cant let things happen they way they should happen.
On the 19th, I had spent the night at her house, so that morning we woke up to go and return some of the props that she had rented from the set she was working on. We drove to Universal Studio Prop house and returned the items. I didn't get to look around much and see any really awesome stuff. We talked in the car on the way there, we were both pretty tired from staying up all night fooly coolying around. We didn't get to sleep until around 4 am. Which is pretty much how it always goes with us. We lay in bed, messing around, kissing, hugging, cuddling, rubbing, touching, caressing and before we know it its 4 or 5 AM. So after we dropped the props off we headed out to this Cuban Bakery Restaurant in Burbank. It was really nice, the line was really long and the food seemed pretty weird to me. I was pretty apprehensions about trying some of the things they had on the menu, knowing how picky I am. Avery took charge and ordered for us, even though the guy kept looking at me and asking me what I wanted. She made all the orders. Lol. We got this fried bread ball with potatoes and teriyaki inside. It was surprisingly delicious, and these cheese breadstick things that were really good too. For the main meal we had a steak and avocado club sandwich and it was fucking delicious as fuck. Even for me who doesn't like Avocado or Tomatoes which it was littered with. We spent the day hanging out for a bit and eventually I had to come back home cause she was heading to her Grandparents house to visit them and check on her dog.
On the 21st we went to the movies, we went to the Grove to see Life of Pi. The movie itself was great and I dont really care to talk about it, but it was a good movie. We bought tickets for that movie but afterwards Avery suggested we sneak into another movie. We wanted to sneak into Twilight but I hadn't seen the 3rd movie yet so I would be pretty confused as to what is going on. So we decided to sneak into Wreck it Ralph in 3D. But we had a problem, you needed 3D googles to see the movie and we didn't have any cause we didn't have a ticket that said we should get some! So.. I went and asked this random couple if we could use their tickets to get some specs and they said yes. So we got them and sat waaay in the front and watched the movie, turns out we were in someone else's seat but they didn't mind the theater wasn't too packed so we got lucky. Lol. The movie itself was pretty good for a children's movie and had lots of Cameos form Namco and Sega characters which was pretty cool even some Capcom cameos. We then decided to finish off the night by watching Lincoln which was kinda slow and boring, and not very exciting but.. I guess it was a good movie. We just cuddled up in the back of the theater and we had a good time. We then went to the roof and looked over the city from the 6th floor of the parking structure, it was really nice we cuddled and talked about the stars and the movies and the city itself. We have such a good time together, and I know we have fun. I just wish I knew if I was only a mere distraction to her or was I something else, something more. We headed back home, sat in the car for a moment. Hugging and cuddling and eventually we parted ways again. Her brother was on his way home from Oregon for Thanksgiving so she went to meet him at home. I was feeling kinda sick and wasn't really in the best position to stay and hang around so I didn't linger to long.
The next day I had Thanksgiving, it was uneventful and whatever. I slept most of the day away because I was sick and loaded up on medicine. I had to work starting at midnight for Black Friday and that was gunna be crazy. We ended up texting each other all night long back and fourth on Black Friday, in the style of a WWII solider writing to his girl back home. The text were actually really funny and well written. I wish I saved them. The day I got home I pretty much slept all day long. Lol. That was the end of that little event and I was happy to see it go. I need to take a smoke break. Brb.
On the 24th, I had to work late, but she came to pick me up after work. We went back to her place and we were gunna watch some movies. We did watch like 2 1/2 episodes of Game of Thrones. Eventually we got side tracked and ended up FLCL around all night long. By the end of the night, and very early in the morning we were just laying in bed talking about ourselves and past relationships, I guess this is what really sparked the thought patterns that lead us to where we are today. We talked about her relationship with Nate, how they use to do everything together. How all of her friends were mostly his friends, and now that they've broken up she's having trouble separating herself from his acquaintance. Every time someone she use to know talks to her they always ask about Nate, whenever she gets a job reference they always ask her if its because of Nate that she was able to get the job. I want that nigga to disappear forever. Its hard for us to move forward because he wont leave the picture. She cant shake her feelings about him, not that she still has them for him. She just cant help be feel hurt, angry, sad. I feel like I have become a distraction like her for her to take her mind off of him and the feelings that shes developed for me are merely because she needs something to fill the void. But.. is that all I am to her? Someone to fill the void. What happens if I am not enough to help her overcome her past. I wish she would let it go... I like her so much but she is afraid of making the same mistakes that happened when she was with him. Becoming so attached that if something were to happen she'd have trouble separating her life again from that person.
The next day, we headed out to Pasadena so she could go to a job interview at a Bakery. We headed out pretty early and got there on time, we couldn't find parking so she gave me the car and I drove around and put gas in the tank until she was finished and I went back to pick her up. We found a place to park, and then decided to walk around Pasedena. We went to the Art store and looked around and she mentioned she needed new supplies. I am still trying to figure out what I am going to get her for Christmas. I already know what I am getting Davion and Philip, I gotta figure out Rhiannon and Avery. We walked around holding hands, talking silly talk like we always do, enjoying the nice warm weather, and bright and sunny day. It was really nice. We woke up together that morning, and just hung out all day long. We ended up at Barneys Beanery, and ordered some Irish Nacho's and I got a nice Ale to wash it down with. She took a few sips of it and started to get a pretty decent buzz on, I was feeling fine. I got another one and by the time I finished it I was pretty buzzed as well. We both finished it to be more correct. haha, its funny because it doesnt take much for us to get drunk or high. Which I guess is nice and cheap. We walked around for a bit longer until our buzz wore off and then sat in the car planning on what we wanted to do next. We hugged and kissed and cuddled, then decided we should go back to her place and take a nap. So we get in the car and head back to her place, fall into bed get comfortable, cuddled up next to each other and just talk about whatever. Making out and cupcaking and all that smooth shit. Eventually we both fall asleep and wake up around 8 or 9 PM. The day was going nice and slow and we pretty much spent the entire day together. Which says something. We didnt get bored of each other we didnt get tired of each other and never ran out of things to talk about.
Around midnight that night she brought me back home, it could of been a bit later. I'm not sure. On the way back, we were standing outside of her car, and I had my arms wrapped around her and I just looked into her eyes, and she looked back into mine and at that moment I knew what she was thinking. She could see it too.. I like her too much. Shes afraid that I may be developing too much of an attraction for what she is ready for right now. She said she fears that she may like me too much too. So why are you afraid of that? Why is that a bad thing? I like you, you like me, what is the problem? She doesnt want to get attached like she was before, where you make that person your entire world. Where you wrap yourself up in that person so much that if they were to leave, or disappear then your world is over. You have nothing. I know the feeling. I know the fear or not wanting to lose your world and I know the pain of having it happen anyway. But.. its no way to go about life. Afraid that the things you care about will leave you. The things that you want will become unobtainable. She decided she needed to take some time off to think about things how she feels, how she wanted to go about things with us. I am afraid of what she will say. Maybe she realized that she does like me, but she realizes that these feelings are fueled mostly from the fact that she wants something to take her mind off of Nate. That she wants something to fill the void, maybe the feelings arent real at all just something she keeps telling herself she feels because it helps her not feel so alone? Not feel so empty..
But do I even care? I dont know. We decided to take a week off from talking all day and hanging out everyday. Radio Silence. It had been a long fucking week. I realized I like her so much, I like her so very much I am probably in love with her. Strategically I will keep that bit of information from her. Until I am able to sort it out better myself. It started off pretty rough for me, I wanted to text her and it wasnt going very well. By the second day I kinda broke and texted her a bit, and she said she was having the hardest time trying not to text me too, so she turned it into a contest in her head so she could stay motivated. Lol. We spoke for a bit but decided we really did need the time apart cause we both were pretty attached. Although.. I dont see the problem with it if it make us happy. But I guess we dont want to turn into really clingy dependent people. That'd kinda fuck things up right? Lol. So the week is almost up, its been hard. I've wanted to talk to her all week, and I cant wait to fucking see her tonight. She gets off at 11. I am gunna head over to her house and meet her there when she gets home. It should be a nice surprise. Maybe I'll bring some trees. I am just kinda waiting for the time to leave right now honestly. Lol. I feel like I was getting really clingy and I feel better about it right now. I understand that we need to just take things slow and I need to let time pass and we need to continue enjoying each others company. She'll forget about Nate and the pain he caused and realize I've been here right infront of her all along. She says that I am a really big help and I make her feel much better and I am helping her to become more confident, social and happy. So I guess.. things are working out. Why the fuck am I rushing things anyway? Its only been 30 days. Lol. In the end, things will work out I know they will.. Goodnight Live Journal. Til next time.
Theories in Chaos:
Life and Time of Seph
Subject: You always keep me guessing, forever my wonder;
Current Date: Saturday, December 1st, 2012
Current Mood: Concemplative
Current Music Benny Benassi Feat. Skrillex - Cinema
Starting Time: 5:21 PM
Ending Time: 8:15 PM
(∑) It hurts to be a slave to ones emotions. The culmination of the past and present lumped into one cluster fuck of emotional stress and wonder. Its the mystery that traps us in to these thought patterns. You wonder about them, you wonder how they feel, what they are doing, what could be going through their mind. If they hurt as much as you do or are you the only one who feels like this. The truth is you will never know and its much harder to let go of the curiosity than it is to accept the answers that will come with it. All you can do is hope to move past the questions and the wonder. Put it behind you and let it die.. no good things come from dwelling in the past. If you stay there too long you could ruin the future.. hurt those around you now. I wish you'd just get over it. As they say, curiosity killed the cat, and you're running out of lives. (∑)
Its been a while since I updated. I've been meaning to give it a go and update you on where I have been and what has been going on with Avery and I. Work has kept me tied up most of this week, barely escaped Black Friday with my head about my shoulders. Working back to back 6 am shifts takes its toll on you as well after a few days. I've had trouble sleeping the past few days, its definitely been a long week. I thought I could use the time we decided to spend apart to sort out my thoughts but I have never really been good at thinking things through on my own. Especially when it comes to how I feel about someone, or something. Nonetheless.. a lot has happened since we last spoke, so I'll give you the run down and take us back to where we are now.
We started hanging out a lot after I last updated, so much so that I cant really keep track of all the things we went and did. We mostly started just driving around, hanging out at her place at lot as well. We go over to her house, watch movies, lay in bed and just smoke and talk. We talk about our past and our present our feelings on weird things, normal things, plans and random conversations. We went out driving on Nov 17th and ended up at the PCH, we found a nice spot on the rocks, and sat down and looked out over the ocean talking about the eventuality of Godzilla or other weird occurrences. Cuddled up in a blanket just enjoying the sounds of the ocean crashing against the rocks below us, until it started to get pretty late so we decided to head back to her place. On the way back I navigated us to the 24 Hour Sprinkles Cupcake machine. We stopped and got a Red Velvet cake and I managed to get a picture with her which is more of a challenge than you'd think. Actually, now that I think about it I cant remember what happened at the end of that night. If I went back home or if I went to her place. I guess it doesn't really matter.. I feel like things have gotten pretty serious between us. We act like a couple, do couple things, are close like a couple yet she's so haunted by her past that she just cant let things happen they way they should happen.
On the 19th, I had spent the night at her house, so that morning we woke up to go and return some of the props that she had rented from the set she was working on. We drove to Universal Studio Prop house and returned the items. I didn't get to look around much and see any really awesome stuff. We talked in the car on the way there, we were both pretty tired from staying up all night fooly coolying around. We didn't get to sleep until around 4 am. Which is pretty much how it always goes with us. We lay in bed, messing around, kissing, hugging, cuddling, rubbing, touching, caressing and before we know it its 4 or 5 AM. So after we dropped the props off we headed out to this Cuban Bakery Restaurant in Burbank. It was really nice, the line was really long and the food seemed pretty weird to me. I was pretty apprehensions about trying some of the things they had on the menu, knowing how picky I am. Avery took charge and ordered for us, even though the guy kept looking at me and asking me what I wanted. She made all the orders. Lol. We got this fried bread ball with potatoes and teriyaki inside. It was surprisingly delicious, and these cheese breadstick things that were really good too. For the main meal we had a steak and avocado club sandwich and it was fucking delicious as fuck. Even for me who doesn't like Avocado or Tomatoes which it was littered with. We spent the day hanging out for a bit and eventually I had to come back home cause she was heading to her Grandparents house to visit them and check on her dog.
On the 21st we went to the movies, we went to the Grove to see Life of Pi. The movie itself was great and I dont really care to talk about it, but it was a good movie. We bought tickets for that movie but afterwards Avery suggested we sneak into another movie. We wanted to sneak into Twilight but I hadn't seen the 3rd movie yet so I would be pretty confused as to what is going on. So we decided to sneak into Wreck it Ralph in 3D. But we had a problem, you needed 3D googles to see the movie and we didn't have any cause we didn't have a ticket that said we should get some! So.. I went and asked this random couple if we could use their tickets to get some specs and they said yes. So we got them and sat waaay in the front and watched the movie, turns out we were in someone else's seat but they didn't mind the theater wasn't too packed so we got lucky. Lol. The movie itself was pretty good for a children's movie and had lots of Cameos form Namco and Sega characters which was pretty cool even some Capcom cameos. We then decided to finish off the night by watching Lincoln which was kinda slow and boring, and not very exciting but.. I guess it was a good movie. We just cuddled up in the back of the theater and we had a good time. We then went to the roof and looked over the city from the 6th floor of the parking structure, it was really nice we cuddled and talked about the stars and the movies and the city itself. We have such a good time together, and I know we have fun. I just wish I knew if I was only a mere distraction to her or was I something else, something more. We headed back home, sat in the car for a moment. Hugging and cuddling and eventually we parted ways again. Her brother was on his way home from Oregon for Thanksgiving so she went to meet him at home. I was feeling kinda sick and wasn't really in the best position to stay and hang around so I didn't linger to long.
The next day I had Thanksgiving, it was uneventful and whatever. I slept most of the day away because I was sick and loaded up on medicine. I had to work starting at midnight for Black Friday and that was gunna be crazy. We ended up texting each other all night long back and fourth on Black Friday, in the style of a WWII solider writing to his girl back home. The text were actually really funny and well written. I wish I saved them. The day I got home I pretty much slept all day long. Lol. That was the end of that little event and I was happy to see it go. I need to take a smoke break. Brb.
On the 24th, I had to work late, but she came to pick me up after work. We went back to her place and we were gunna watch some movies. We did watch like 2 1/2 episodes of Game of Thrones. Eventually we got side tracked and ended up FLCL around all night long. By the end of the night, and very early in the morning we were just laying in bed talking about ourselves and past relationships, I guess this is what really sparked the thought patterns that lead us to where we are today. We talked about her relationship with Nate, how they use to do everything together. How all of her friends were mostly his friends, and now that they've broken up she's having trouble separating herself from his acquaintance. Every time someone she use to know talks to her they always ask about Nate, whenever she gets a job reference they always ask her if its because of Nate that she was able to get the job. I want that nigga to disappear forever. Its hard for us to move forward because he wont leave the picture. She cant shake her feelings about him, not that she still has them for him. She just cant help be feel hurt, angry, sad. I feel like I have become a distraction like her for her to take her mind off of him and the feelings that shes developed for me are merely because she needs something to fill the void. But.. is that all I am to her? Someone to fill the void. What happens if I am not enough to help her overcome her past. I wish she would let it go... I like her so much but she is afraid of making the same mistakes that happened when she was with him. Becoming so attached that if something were to happen she'd have trouble separating her life again from that person.
The next day, we headed out to Pasadena so she could go to a job interview at a Bakery. We headed out pretty early and got there on time, we couldn't find parking so she gave me the car and I drove around and put gas in the tank until she was finished and I went back to pick her up. We found a place to park, and then decided to walk around Pasedena. We went to the Art store and looked around and she mentioned she needed new supplies. I am still trying to figure out what I am going to get her for Christmas. I already know what I am getting Davion and Philip, I gotta figure out Rhiannon and Avery. We walked around holding hands, talking silly talk like we always do, enjoying the nice warm weather, and bright and sunny day. It was really nice. We woke up together that morning, and just hung out all day long. We ended up at Barneys Beanery, and ordered some Irish Nacho's and I got a nice Ale to wash it down with. She took a few sips of it and started to get a pretty decent buzz on, I was feeling fine. I got another one and by the time I finished it I was pretty buzzed as well. We both finished it to be more correct. haha, its funny because it doesnt take much for us to get drunk or high. Which I guess is nice and cheap. We walked around for a bit longer until our buzz wore off and then sat in the car planning on what we wanted to do next. We hugged and kissed and cuddled, then decided we should go back to her place and take a nap. So we get in the car and head back to her place, fall into bed get comfortable, cuddled up next to each other and just talk about whatever. Making out and cupcaking and all that smooth shit. Eventually we both fall asleep and wake up around 8 or 9 PM. The day was going nice and slow and we pretty much spent the entire day together. Which says something. We didnt get bored of each other we didnt get tired of each other and never ran out of things to talk about.
Around midnight that night she brought me back home, it could of been a bit later. I'm not sure. On the way back, we were standing outside of her car, and I had my arms wrapped around her and I just looked into her eyes, and she looked back into mine and at that moment I knew what she was thinking. She could see it too.. I like her too much. Shes afraid that I may be developing too much of an attraction for what she is ready for right now. She said she fears that she may like me too much too. So why are you afraid of that? Why is that a bad thing? I like you, you like me, what is the problem? She doesnt want to get attached like she was before, where you make that person your entire world. Where you wrap yourself up in that person so much that if they were to leave, or disappear then your world is over. You have nothing. I know the feeling. I know the fear or not wanting to lose your world and I know the pain of having it happen anyway. But.. its no way to go about life. Afraid that the things you care about will leave you. The things that you want will become unobtainable. She decided she needed to take some time off to think about things how she feels, how she wanted to go about things with us. I am afraid of what she will say. Maybe she realized that she does like me, but she realizes that these feelings are fueled mostly from the fact that she wants something to take her mind off of Nate. That she wants something to fill the void, maybe the feelings arent real at all just something she keeps telling herself she feels because it helps her not feel so alone? Not feel so empty..
But do I even care? I dont know. We decided to take a week off from talking all day and hanging out everyday. Radio Silence. It had been a long fucking week. I realized I like her so much, I like her so very much I am probably in love with her. Strategically I will keep that bit of information from her. Until I am able to sort it out better myself. It started off pretty rough for me, I wanted to text her and it wasnt going very well. By the second day I kinda broke and texted her a bit, and she said she was having the hardest time trying not to text me too, so she turned it into a contest in her head so she could stay motivated. Lol. We spoke for a bit but decided we really did need the time apart cause we both were pretty attached. Although.. I dont see the problem with it if it make us happy. But I guess we dont want to turn into really clingy dependent people. That'd kinda fuck things up right? Lol. So the week is almost up, its been hard. I've wanted to talk to her all week, and I cant wait to fucking see her tonight. She gets off at 11. I am gunna head over to her house and meet her there when she gets home. It should be a nice surprise. Maybe I'll bring some trees. I am just kinda waiting for the time to leave right now honestly. Lol. I feel like I was getting really clingy and I feel better about it right now. I understand that we need to just take things slow and I need to let time pass and we need to continue enjoying each others company. She'll forget about Nate and the pain he caused and realize I've been here right infront of her all along. She says that I am a really big help and I make her feel much better and I am helping her to become more confident, social and happy. So I guess.. things are working out. Why the fuck am I rushing things anyway? Its only been 30 days. Lol. In the end, things will work out I know they will.. Goodnight Live Journal. Til next time.