(no subject)
Captain's Log, Star Date: Six-Four-Eight-Ampersand-Schwa.
Happy Thursday,
As you are aware, I called this meeting on account of the spiders. We are still working hard to stop them and will have control of the childrens' day care centers by noon. Rest assured: Bamburgers and refreshments will be available for the survivors shortly thereafter.
Now for some really honkin' good news. We've discovered the source of the spiders' power and will destroy it as soon as their bee shield is down. This may take weeks. The disco ball did nothing, and the bees appear resistant to butter spray. Hope is still alive. Our top scientists believe that a breakthrough is imminent, and will have a modified spray by Sunday. Now, there is a chance the spray will mutate the bees and make them stronger. We are using an untested spray made of rare butter churned from the milk of a three-toed sloth that's blended with torn up bits of expired hot dogs. I proudly say, America, we are willing to take that chance.
I know. Certainly, this is a difficult time for everyone. Last week I lost my mother, who was carrying my sister's retard baby, when she slipped on a half-eaten Bamburger I discarded, and didn't make it to the elevator in time. Believe me when I say I know how it is. We've all had personal tragedies, but we can't beat ourselves up. No. We have to move on. And we have to keep up our strength. That's why, as your President, I officially declare that extra Bamburgers and refreshments are on the way!
Furthermore, I authorize the use of baby decoys to be used as explosive devices. We believe this will be a brilliant strategy. 70% of the nation's baby population has been reported missing, leading us to believe that there was either a mass exodus of babies, or that spiders took the babies. When your Bamburgers and refreshments arrive, you will be issued two decoys. To activate the explosive, simply shake a decoy and throw. To be clear: do not shake or throw real babies. This may cause them harm, and we do not believe they are explosive.
Brighter days are ahead, my friends. My Vice President, Mr. Cosby, will begin a tour throughout the mid-west next week, to scream anti-spider propaganda through a megaphone, which will surely demoralize them. You are encouraged to applaud him, and please, wear kilts.
Only when the spider menace has snuffed it can we...
[End Transmission]
Happy Thursday,
As you are aware, I called this meeting on account of the spiders. We are still working hard to stop them and will have control of the childrens' day care centers by noon. Rest assured: Bamburgers and refreshments will be available for the survivors shortly thereafter.
Now for some really honkin' good news. We've discovered the source of the spiders' power and will destroy it as soon as their bee shield is down. This may take weeks. The disco ball did nothing, and the bees appear resistant to butter spray. Hope is still alive. Our top scientists believe that a breakthrough is imminent, and will have a modified spray by Sunday. Now, there is a chance the spray will mutate the bees and make them stronger. We are using an untested spray made of rare butter churned from the milk of a three-toed sloth that's blended with torn up bits of expired hot dogs. I proudly say, America, we are willing to take that chance.
I know. Certainly, this is a difficult time for everyone. Last week I lost my mother, who was carrying my sister's retard baby, when she slipped on a half-eaten Bamburger I discarded, and didn't make it to the elevator in time. Believe me when I say I know how it is. We've all had personal tragedies, but we can't beat ourselves up. No. We have to move on. And we have to keep up our strength. That's why, as your President, I officially declare that extra Bamburgers and refreshments are on the way!
Furthermore, I authorize the use of baby decoys to be used as explosive devices. We believe this will be a brilliant strategy. 70% of the nation's baby population has been reported missing, leading us to believe that there was either a mass exodus of babies, or that spiders took the babies. When your Bamburgers and refreshments arrive, you will be issued two decoys. To activate the explosive, simply shake a decoy and throw. To be clear: do not shake or throw real babies. This may cause them harm, and we do not believe they are explosive.
Brighter days are ahead, my friends. My Vice President, Mr. Cosby, will begin a tour throughout the mid-west next week, to scream anti-spider propaganda through a megaphone, which will surely demoralize them. You are encouraged to applaud him, and please, wear kilts.
Only when the spider menace has snuffed it can we...
[End Transmission]