oh me oh my
Will my life ever settle down and be normal?
A lot has changed since my last update, so I'll be quick and to the point.
Oct 16, Kevin and I broke up. For a lot of reasons that I understand now but at the same time I still see it as stupid. I've excepted our break up, took awhile since it seemed random and I was pregnant, but I ended up living at the house for about another month after we broke up. And the longer I stayed the more immature he got and the more I saw sides of him I didn't know exsisted.
Oct 29, I went in for my first prenatal and found out that the baby had no heart beat. I was devistated, and surprisingly, Kevin was too but we both considered it a fucked up blessing. The miscarriage was just meant to be.
Dec 1, I moved out of the house Kevin and I shared.
Dec 17, I was fired from the preschool. I called in sick (for the 2nd time) and an hour just before my shift. My boss said she needed someone reliable and that I was supposed to call in at least 2 hours before my scheduled start time. Well, I was up all night that night sick and had just woken up. So, oh well. I was ready to quit anyway since they had reduced my hours in half AND I still had not seen my wage increase like I was promised.
Anyway, I am happy and healthy and Lane is doing well. We're staying at my mom's for a little while until I can get things squared away and my feet under me again. I feel like a lame ass living here again, for the upteenth time, but it works for now. I'm not even unpacking our things so we don't stay too long lol
Kevin and I had a good talk last night. He invited me over to the old house, which I went, and he gave me a bear hug the second he saw me. Not the reaction I expected since 24 hours prior we were fighting...over text message. lol How high school. I told him I was dating someone (which I sorta am, his name is Shane, more on him if things get serious, which neither of us are ready for) and he said he's not. He said something about not having sex in awhile and I asked, how long is awhile, a few days? And he said, well, when's the last time we had sex? haha It's nice to know I'm doing better then him (in more ways then one) after he broke up with me. We agreed to try and be friends but I told him that will be hard to do right off the bat since he left my furniture I left at the house in the RAIN and since he refuses to give me back my ping pong table but apparently I owe him some money from some bills so I told him he can keep it til I pay of my debt. All in all, a good talk just hanging out and bullshitting with eachother. There were a few times we'd look at eachother and just know...we'd both hurt eachother a lot in the last couple months and it felt like our eyes were telling eachother sorry. Its sweet to know we still have our unspoken connection. We'd just be sitting there looking at each other in silence and one of us would nod. Like we knew. Knew what? I'm not really sure but we know it whatever it is lol That happened a couple times. I've always thought of Kevin as my soulmate. And after last night it still feels true and I'm pretty sure he realized that too...
I ended up having a dream last night that Kevin and I got married. It's weird, I can consider things but until I dream about them or have a vivid detail oriented mental picture I don't believe it to be true. For example, when Kev and I were together I considered, a lot in fact, is this the man I could grow old with...months later I had a day dream of us sitting on a porch together, with our grandkids. Or like the dream, up until last night I had considered marrying Kevin but never pictured it. Now the dream won't stop running through my head. It was a beautiful fall wedding (probably cause our first kiss is Nov 10 and our anniversary is Nov 25). Our colors were shades of browns and pink with splashes of oranges and yellow. Kev wore a carmel colored tux with a chocolate brown shirt and silk chocolate brown tie. I had on a light cream colored vintage wedding dress. The 3 bridesmaids wore chocolate brown dresses with pink sashes and the 3 groomsmen wore chocolate brown tuxes, complete with dark brown converse and pink hankies in their breast pockets......seriously the detail of this dream is bugging me. Here I thought I was completely moved on and over Kevin and now I'm having dreams about our wedding?! Ugh. Hopefully by writting all that out it will get it off my mind. I need to push whatever feelings might be resurfacing away and focus on getting my life back in order.
Well, I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving, Christmas and happy New Year lol