The Torture of a Heart on the Mend
i just don't get it.
why is it that i get the one thing that i have been wishing for for months back and all i can do is shy away?
why am i letting this get to me so bad?
why can't i just trust in what he says and move forward?
why can't i shake this?
of course he doesn't want me to be like that. other wise he would have never asked me to take him back. so why am i letting this actually make me uncomfortable in my own skin to the point where i don't want him or anyone else to look at me?
he says that i'm perfect just the way that i am and he wouldn't have me any other way, but why can't i shake this feeling that maybe, just maybe deep down he wants me to send him things like that, look like that too....
he says he's made up his mind and i'm who he wants to be with for as long as i'll allow and i want that too, but she haunts me.
her words.....
those pictures.....
his words spoken to her by mistake......
the pictures of her and him....
constant reminders of my hell surround me
every where i turn there, it's there.
i'm forced to relive that anguish day in and day out
i can't escape it
i can't heal
this is torture and not by him. i'm torturing myself.
this is unfair.
i want to move forward and grow with him, but instead i'm so emotionally distant it's like things will never get better, like i'll never forgive him.
i want to shake the images seared into my brain.
i want to shake this parinoia.
i feel like i'm standing in a room full of people screaming at the top of my lungs and NO ONE hears me.
my heart cries out.
it bleeds for him, full of wounds made by him.
i just want PEACE.........