I don't have much a choice. I'm running out of money, and obviously going on this trip isn't going to help with that. But you know what, I need it, Sen.
My parents help pay for college? How am I supposed to get to college when I still need to figure that entire part out? I understand you're furious with me, you have all the right to be. Look, this isn't something very easy for me, either, you know. My head is pretty well fucked up and I haven't been sleeping much at all lately.
Sure, I'd like to buy stuff for myself, but I probably won't. I only want to do those things for you, because I owe you that. We said that Cinder would get fixed a long time ago, and it never happened. I said that I'd help repair your computer, that didn't really work out too well.
If I stay here longer, things will just backfire even more. Words have already been said and emotions are raging. I did plan this out a little, but things have been constantly changing. I'm really fucked up, Sen. I've been doing nothing but going insane inside my head since this happened. I have to get healthy again. I need to find my conscious and stand up for what needs to get done. Trust me, I couldn't be any more sorry than I am. I feel like complete and utter shit. Nothing better than dirt. I screwed up everything. I know that.
For once in a long time, I'm just trying to figure out what is best for me. Am I not allowed to take a bit of a break from my duties? After busting my ass off working so much for nearly 2 years, am I not allowed to go and spend a small amount of time with my friends? If that is selfish, then so be it. I'm selfish. I'm a selfish person and I can't help that. I miss my friends, I miss a lot of things. But this situation has only gotten harder for me and this is a huge reason for me needing to figure my life out. I can't think straight right now, I'm trying, but it is getting progressively harder.
I should have thought it out better. I should have had a better plan. I should have done a lot of things. But I didn't. This is and most likely will be the hardest and most painful decision I have ever made. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, and I told you that. This is just a consequence I will have to carry on my shoulder.
I know you need it. I didn't mean they should be helping pay now, I meant they should have done that from the start. Like I have been sleeping?
I never said you didn't deserve a break. I'm just panicking because it's all happening so fast, and I don't know how to deal with it. If you told me this months ago, or weren't going to leave for a few more months I could deal with this better.
You're not selfish for wanting this, you NEED this. I know that, but I can't stop being the way I am because it's just the way I am. I'll be worrying about you while your on the road, and I'll be worrying about you until you do figure college out. I'm selfish because I don't want you to take a break, I want you to figure everything out NOW. I'm selfish because I want you to work everything out and come back to me as soon as possible. I'm selfish BECAUSE I want you to come back to me, when I was part of what made you like this in the first place.
There's just too much stuff going on at once for me to deal with it all. You're leaving me, I'm worried about paying for college because my dad just lost his fucking job, my uncle doesn't do shit. You were always the one I turned to when I was having a hard time, and now I don't know who to go to because no one else really gets it and I'm not strong enough to let myself break down in front of any one else.
My parents help pay for college? How am I supposed to get to college when I still need to figure that entire part out? I understand you're furious with me, you have all the right to be. Look, this isn't something very easy for me, either, you know. My head is pretty well fucked up and I haven't been sleeping much at all lately.
Sure, I'd like to buy stuff for myself, but I probably won't. I only want to do those things for you, because I owe you that. We said that Cinder would get fixed a long time ago, and it never happened. I said that I'd help repair your computer, that didn't really work out too well.
If I stay here longer, things will just backfire even more. Words have already been said and emotions are raging. I did plan this out a little, but things have been constantly changing. I'm really fucked up, Sen. I've been doing nothing but going insane inside my head since this happened. I have to get healthy again. I need to find my conscious and stand up for what needs to get done. Trust me, I couldn't be any more sorry than I am. I feel like complete and utter shit. Nothing better than dirt. I screwed up everything. I know that.
For once in a long time, I'm just trying to figure out what is best for me. Am I not allowed to take a bit of a break from my duties? After busting my ass off working so much for nearly 2 years, am I not allowed to go and spend a small amount of time with my friends? If that is selfish, then so be it. I'm selfish. I'm a selfish person and I can't help that. I miss my friends, I miss a lot of things. But this situation has only gotten harder for me and this is a huge reason for me needing to figure my life out. I can't think straight right now, I'm trying, but it is getting progressively harder.
I should have thought it out better. I should have had a better plan. I should have done a lot of things. But I didn't. This is and most likely will be the hardest and most painful decision I have ever made. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, and I told you that. This is just a consequence I will have to carry on my shoulder.
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I never said you didn't deserve a break. I'm just panicking because it's all happening so fast, and I don't know how to deal with it. If you told me this months ago, or weren't going to leave for a few more months I could deal with this better.
You're not selfish for wanting this, you NEED this. I know that, but I can't stop being the way I am because it's just the way I am. I'll be worrying about you while your on the road, and I'll be worrying about you until you do figure college out. I'm selfish because I don't want you to take a break, I want you to figure everything out NOW. I'm selfish because I want you to work everything out and come back to me as soon as possible. I'm selfish BECAUSE I want you to come back to me, when I was part of what made you like this in the first place.
There's just too much stuff going on at once for me to deal with it all. You're leaving me, I'm worried about paying for college because my dad just lost his fucking job, my uncle doesn't do shit. You were always the one I turned to when I was having a hard time, and now I don't know who to go to because no one else really gets it and I'm not strong enough to let myself break down in front of any one else.
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I'm not just selfish, I'm jealous.
You have some place else to go to get away and fix yourself.
I'm fucking stuck here with a family that's falling apart.
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